STALLING????
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| Sun, 09-02-2007 - 2:01pm |
Hi Ladies,
I've been dating a man exclusively for the past 10 months and I'm really starting to wonder as I haven't met his kids ages 11 and 14 yet. While he has met mine, ages 2 and 3 1/2, my kids adore him and I think he's quite fond of mine.
I am pretty sure our relationship is headed in the long-term department and we had a conversation last night as we've been "talking" about meeting his kids for at least 3 months. My kids and I spend a lot of time with him and my kids have things at his house. My daughter has a Dora the Explore bubble blower and last night he told me one of his kids asked "dad, why do you have a Dora bubble thing?" I think he failed to give them a response and brushed it off. His daughter has also found my daughter's swimsuit and asked her dad the same question. Ok, he tells me his kids know something is up but he has never come out with it. I asked him, when are you going to tell the kids about me and he responded "when the time is right?" Now isn't that vague??? When the time is right??? What 10 years from now when the time is right???
As of right now, none of his family, friends, co-workers, nor his kids know about me........you get the picture. I basically don't exist. So the question remains, do I stay with the man and keep wondering "if" and when I'll ever meet his kids? I certainly do not want to invest all this time to find out, I meant nothing more to him and his intentions were never true on me meeting his kids. OR do I set a time with him, lets say Christmas of this year which gives us 3 months and tell him if it doesn't happen by then, I'm walking??? Wouldn't that be harsh? I really can't have him keep "talking" about it and never following through. It's becoming quite annoying to be sitting around and waiting!!!
Any help ladies? Suggestions??? Don't be afraid to tell it to me like it is!! Is he just full of crap???
-Vanessa

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Well, as for the money, at this point I guess I have to say that it isn't your concern. I know how you feel- my SO was still paying for the house his ex wife lives in when I met him. We were planning on moving forward, and I simply told him it couldn't happen while he was doing that. I said my piece and left it at that, and it was up to him to decide what to do. Luckily for us, she's now paying for the house, and I feel comfortable moving forward with him.
As for the rest of it, I don't know how to tell someone you're reaching the end of your rope without it coming off as an ultimatum. I do believe that simply having a straighforward discussion where you make it clear that meeting the people in his life is important to you is the way to go.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have been patient for nearly as long as you have. I think at this point, I'd probably invite him and his children over for a simple barbeque or board games or something on a night you knew he'd have them. Keep the event and the invite low key, let him know it's important to you but will be fun.
Good luck, I hope this will all work out for you.
Moody, who's pretty good at making her wishes clear
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Acks - him still being in the middle of his second divorce explains it. Of course he doesn't want his soon to be exwife to know about you if they are not done with the settlement and the divorce yet. That just couldn't be a good thing for him.
I don't know - if it was me, I would want someone who is excited to have me in their life and to whom I don't have to deal with 2 different exwives, 1 of whom is still in a divorce settlement. It just sounds like the timing is not with you on this one. Dating in midlife is so tricky because not only do you have to have a good mutual match but the timing and situations are critical.
I just wonder if he is really ready for the same thing as you if he is getting out of a second bad marriage and is not really divorced yet? Maybe you should take the time to think if he is really ready and capable of giving you what you want and to have a heart to heart talk about this.
I guess if you want to stick it out, the "deadline" for meeting the kids and others in his life could be soon after his ink is dry on the divorce settlement? I can understand why he has kept you a secret - because he is probably afraid of the repercussions of his soon to be exwife and other friends and family members. And his son is probably not even close to being adjusted to his parents being separated. If you think about all the other players, his actions make total sense for what he needs in his life right now. But what you have to think of - is how does all of this shake out for you?
You can ask him how does he know when the "time is right?" What exactly does that look like? If he cannot define that (which I'm guessing he cannot) then you have your answer.
You can ask him about his fears, hidden or otherwise that is driving his behavior. He may not be self aware enough to know or he may not want to share that.
Insofar as setting a mental deadline, I wonder why bother waiting that much more time when you already have your answer (see above)?
Mark
This has been a question I have been struggling to answer - How does all of this shake out for me???
Here I am, I'm only 28, he's 40 and I really wasn't looking to date someone much older than me but yet we found each other. Yes, you're right, the timing isn't with me on this one. My divorce papers were already filed and the settlement was on it's way when I met him. We started going out Nov. of 2006 and it really wasn't until 4 months later, his was served with his divorce papers.
I've dated a lot before I met him and seriously, I won't say he's the "one" but he sure fits into my mold of my "ideal" man. We complement each other, we get each other and we are compatible. We have a connection like no other and the chemistry between us is amazing!!!
I gave him the benefit of the doubt all the time and say every thing's ok when sometimes it really isn't. I do need to have another heart to heart with him as I think this time, it will really give me clarity on what I want to do.
Yes, I think as soon as his divorce is settled, which is soon, things will become more clearer for him and I think things will change for us and we will probably move forward with clarity this time knowing which direction we will be taking. In our situation, it is all about timing. I just have to wait until he gets to where I am.
I see him tonight and I'll have a heart to heart with him tonight and depending on the answer he gives me, I'll have my answer and I will be prepared to walk away from him completely. If he can't give me an answer to "when is the right time" then, you're right, I'll know.
We don't see each other that much because our kid's schedules are opposites of each other so there isn't much opportunity to spend quality time together. For instance tonight will be our quality time together, how do I enjoy my time with him when I have all these important questions that need to be answered? I don't want to ruin our time together but I'm afraid I may as well turn a good night into a bad night. He's very defensive when we have these talks even when my intentions are not to hurt his feelings. I feel, he feels I'm attacking him all the time complaining he's not good enough and for a man, he probably feels I'm attacking his pride???
Vanessa
When communication is done using the "I" word rather than "you" then it is not attacking. When you use "I feel ..." and "I would like/want ..." then it is not attacking.
You can enjoy your time with him if you never want that question answered and be kept in the closet and draw out this relationship OR you can find out.
Good luck.
Mark
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