Started dating - some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Started dating - some advice
6
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:56pm
I am new to this board, but not new to single parenting or dating. I have a few bad relationships in my past and I seem to have a history of picking the ones who make me laugh but aren't the most dependable. I met a guy through Match who seems like a really nice guy. We have met twice, once for coffee, once for dinner, exchanged some emails and some phone conversations. The only problem I have so far is there are no sparks. Why this concerns me is that I don't trust myself. I am worried that the ones that I see fireworks and shooting stars with are usually not the long term dependable type. I am really ready for a good man in my life. I seem to have things in common with this new guy, we don't have any awkward pauses in conversation, he seems to be reasonably interested in me, but I find it all a little boring. There is none of that "wow, I really like this guy" feeling. I find him very average.

I feel like I should give it a chance to play out before I rush to the decision that it won't work. My question is, at what point would I be leading him on... 3 dates, 4, past the first kiss... ? Any ideas?

Thanks,

Lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:12pm
I have mixed emotions about this - perhaps for the same reasons you do. Chemistry is such a messy thing.

I think it is okay to be fond of chemistry and those sparks, but you must hold back your heart to see if the person is really what you want and if both of your intentions are the same and if you are the one for him. You cannot assume any of that.

I do also believe that it is possible for chemistry to develop over time when it wasn't there initially. However, I don't believe, at least from my experiences and those of my friends, that this is LIKELY when you are doing the online thing. There are just too many expectations and the situation is not allowed to develop naturally.

I think you should give this one a chance to play out - you should explain that you want to go slow. Don't put a time limit on it - but listen to your inner voice - you will know when it is right or not right. He will either start to interest you and turn you on or he will turn you off. You will know.

Welcome to our board and keep us posted. Tell us more about him. Why are you bored? Can you try doing some fun activities together? Maybe he is just nervous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:44am
Good Morning!!!!

When I first met my boyfriend, about a year ago (we've been dating now for three months), he was introduced to me by my friend Jon. At the end of the evening, Jon had asked me what I thought of him. I said "He's very nice, but I'm not attracted to him. Are you sure he's not gay?" Yep. That was my initial thought about him. That he wasn't attractive to me and that he was gay. In fact, for the first few months I was convinced he was gay! Everytime we hung out, I had nice conversations with him, always had a good time, and I always kind of felt that he was interested in me...but I wasn't...at all. Then, one night, he and I made plans to have dinner and then go watch our friend Jon race at the track. In my mind, this was just two friends hanging out. I had no preconceived notions of what the night would be like. Halfway through the night, I looked at him, and I thought, "hmm..." And so it began. Later that week, we shared our first kiss, and now, three months later, we're so in love it's disgusting! (And I'm more attracted to him than I have ever been to another man)

My point is...give it a little time. Sparks can fly at any time. It doesn't always happen right away. On your next date this guy could say something, look at you a certain way, or do something really sweet that'll send your heart flip flopping all over the place. I think you should definitely give it another date or two before deciding anything.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Hugs,

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:10am
After a few dates, you should know already if you want to keep seeing him. If there aren't any sparks, then don't force the issue. I made this mistake with my first boyfriend following my divorce. On paper, he was perfect, but there were no sparks. I forced myself to like him because he was such a catch....but, it was awful for me and I ended up breaking up with him and he got pretty hurt.

We all have a history of picking guys who aren't right for us, otherwise we'd be happily married. Staying with someone when there are no sparks is still a bad choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:45am

I think you got some great advice already. My advice is not to rush yourself just because you want a man right now. You will end up settling just to be with SOMEONE.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:52pm
Welcome to the board Lynn!

I am more of the opinion that there have to be sparks or chemistry right away. They don't even have to be sexual but if you feel no connection, there's probably not going to all of a sudden be one. If you're already "bored", what's there to stay with him for? If you're looking for a nice guy to hang out with once in awhile, I guess that is one thing. But if you're looking for a boyfriend you can fall in love with, I don't think he's the one.

i hope you will stick around and let us get to know you.

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:58pm

I think if you've already had the first kiss and you continue to see him on "dates" you will be leading him on. That's just my opinion.

I made this mistake once. I met a really nice guy, made me laugh, we got along famously and had alot of fun, talked for a long time on the phone, but I just didn't feel any chemistry or sparks with him. When we went out, I did not feel the urge to kiss him or get romantic. I thought I was being a bit superficial so I continued to see him hoping I would warm up. On our third date we finally kissed, made out,etc...and it just didn't happen for me. I had to break it to him that I only wanted to be friends shortly after that.

He did not take it well. He didn't want to be my friend. He asked me to remove all evidence of his existence and not contact him again. I think he was very upset with me and felt that I had led him on. About six months later I got an email from him apologizing for the way he reacted and asking if I'd like to continue the friendship. By then I was dating my SO and thought it best not to continue to be friends with him.

Anyway, I know that may have been too much info, but that is why I think you need to follow your instincts and not pursue a romance with him. If you are not dying to kiss the guy after a couple of dates, then don't lead him on by doing it just to see if things might change.

JMHO ;)
good luck finding true love!