A state of confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
A state of confusion
8
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 9:09pm

I’ve been seeing the same guy, B, for almost 2 years now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 9:21pm

Oh dear. I don't know what to say - maybe the others will help on this one. Because while you type a lot of good and you care about him - you also type things that would bother me as well. And the age difference would bother me - that is 20 years. But I do know that has never bothered you before - you have always typed nice things about him.

Okay - my only advise is to make a list of the things you don't like - and then decide on the most important and see if you can find a positive way to communicate what you would like him to change? Mark is always so good at this stuff - Mark - where are you? Maybe something like 'I would love for us to find some shows that we both like to watch' or 'it would be great if you would let me pick the music sometimes'?

I am also wondering if this is a case of just not enough time together? I know that when you are away from someone and then they come back in the picture after a week away you sort of have to reshuffle everything because you are used to your way and they are not on the same page and being tired from work and travel - maybe he is not at his best? How long will his job away last?

I guess my thoughts are that your feelings are very warranted from what you type - and that you have to find a way to communicate them and try to fix it. Because that in a way makes you have more information to decide what is best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 9:43pm
His job away will last pretty much forever. He does ISO auditing and consulting and even if he made it to upper management in the company he's with he'd always have to travel. The problem is that he gets home friday night after non stop travel (some weeks he's in a different state everyday) and leaves again on Sunday evening so he's a homebody through and through. I understand why but it's a bummer to never do anything but sit around in his apartment and play games on my computer or watch tv and have amazing sex sometimes. I'm not complaing about the sex, but for the rest of the time I'm pretty much bored. We don't really interact, if that makes sense. I think that is the biggest problem - lack of interaction. When we do go out he doesn't like to hold hands or really walk next to me either, which bothers me a lot. He's never liked to hold hands, and according to him he didn't hold hands with any of his ex's (not even his wife.) Plus with his age I'm afraid he won't ever want to have kids and I definately want at least one or two more. Ugh, on paper it just sounds so simple but in the real world my feelings make it so complicated.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:24pm

Oh dear - your last thoughts here do make it sound like you have grown tired of him and you do not see him fitting you for long term. But then I do understand about the good and that is why you are confused. I guess you have to talk to him about how he makes you feel or try to work on one thing at a time? But since today is Monday - that means you have the week to think about it, right? Plus I hope everyone here will pipe in with more. The whole troop will collectively give you a lot of thoughts and experiences - much more than me for sure.

Are you going to be able to live on your own okay? Because if you don't think this is going to go, you know you have to think about that for you and your boy and maybe don't do anything too rash - work on that during the week??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:33pm
oh he and I don't live together. I live with my parents still, (moved back in after the divorce. my parents have a big house and offered my a rent free place to stay) so there's no worries there. I won't live with someone unless we are married. I'm not really religious, but because of my son I want to be very cautious.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:41pm

Sorry things are not so good these days.
But from the outside......
1. He's wayyyyyy older than you and that in itself is bound to cause major life choice differences
2. He seems to be making value judgements on how you choose to spend your free time. This is your time, if you choose to watch Oprah 24/7 it still is your life, not his. Yes, you should expect the guy in your life to be interested in you, in why you like the shows/music that you like- not make a judgement that you are wrong or your choices have no merit. That is a big red flag for me and a deal ender if it were me. But its not me, it's you. Only you can decide if this is a sign of a larger issue.
3. Only available weekends. Hmmmmm. Not good.Never going to change. Can you really thrive in that kind of relationship?

Are you in love with him or are you in love with the idea of what he might someday be to you? He's not going to change at all. In fact, at 46 he's about to enter the icky midlife crisis years. So everything will come into question for him.

Only you can say whether or not the positive aspects of this relationship outweigh the negative. Believe me, at 26 you have plenty of other options out there. Not just men, but your whole life. Take some time to really think about what YOU want out of life. What is important to you? Will being with this man be a help in attaining those goals? Or will this relationship create situations for you to sacrifice your goals?

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:45pm

Aye - you better listen to QB - she has 3 great points!!

I am so glad you are living with your parents!!!!! Sounds like you are on the right track - good luck with your decision and keep us posted! I bet more girls will chime in and give you more good advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 8:59am

I think Q made some really good points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 12:00pm

Hi Amanda,