stay or go?-5yrs & 1 kids later
Find a Conversation
stay or go?-5yrs & 1 kids later
| Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:48pm |
I have been friends with this guy for about 10 years, we met in college. We have been friends ever since and have seen each other go through other relationships. (I was married when we met). Heck, I had even set him up with someone he dated for 3 years. ANYWAY. About 6 years ago, I got divorced. Shortly after, we started hanging out more, but still as friends. Then it turned into something more. We have been going out for the past 5 years, more seriously so the last 3, and about 10 months ago, we had a baby. My boyfriend is comforting, compassionate, and a great guy. We have never really argued. But our relationship has pretty much stayed the same. We see each other one or two nights a week. We don't live in the same town, but we're only about 30 minutes away. He works 3 jobs, I only work one but have 2 children, other than the baby, to chauffeur around. We are both really busy as far as the amount of time we have to see each other.
The problem is, this is as far as the relationship has gone. He is 15 years my senior, so he's the mature intellectual type. Knowing as long as I have, I have seen a drastic change in him. He's a very private, secretive person by nature. But he has opened up to me A LOT over the last 3 years, as compared to before. And he says he enjoys spending family time together and how much he enjoys being a family...but there's no ring...we aren't even sharing the same address....when is long enough, long enough? How many more years am I to spend waiting around to see if this relationship goes any further? He's happy with the way things are, and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "maybe someday he'll be ready for marriage." Those have come from him....but how long am I suppose to stick around to find out? It's been 5 years already....like I said though....our relationship has advanced in that time, but just not quite enough for me. I'm tired of being lonely and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I am lonely when I have him....I'm fine when we are together, it's just the other 5 or 6 days in the week. Having a baby to chase after just makes it that much more exasperating. How do you know when to stay and when to move on? I can play devil's advocate for both sides and it's tearing me up inside. When I have brought it up in the past, he is completely amazed about my unhappiness because he is quite comfortable with our family unit as it is right now. He does hate that he is so busy and it keeps him away...and he cares about my other two children so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!?!?
The problem is, this is as far as the relationship has gone. He is 15 years my senior, so he's the mature intellectual type. Knowing as long as I have, I have seen a drastic change in him. He's a very private, secretive person by nature. But he has opened up to me A LOT over the last 3 years, as compared to before. And he says he enjoys spending family time together and how much he enjoys being a family...but there's no ring...we aren't even sharing the same address....when is long enough, long enough? How many more years am I to spend waiting around to see if this relationship goes any further? He's happy with the way things are, and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "maybe someday he'll be ready for marriage." Those have come from him....but how long am I suppose to stick around to find out? It's been 5 years already....like I said though....our relationship has advanced in that time, but just not quite enough for me. I'm tired of being lonely and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I am lonely when I have him....I'm fine when we are together, it's just the other 5 or 6 days in the week. Having a baby to chase after just makes it that much more exasperating. How do you know when to stay and when to move on? I can play devil's advocate for both sides and it's tearing me up inside. When I have brought it up in the past, he is completely amazed about my unhappiness because he is quite comfortable with our family unit as it is right now. He does hate that he is so busy and it keeps him away...and he cares about my other two children so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!?!?

Pages
Before I was ready for a commitment, I used to wonder all the time if the point of the relationship was to get married, or was the point of the relationship to have a boyfriend, a date on Saturday night and someone to 'be there'. Remember Woody Allen's line about relationships? They have to keep moving forward or they die. That's where you are, isn't it? Having him around once in awhile was nice for awhile, but you want to move ahead.
The guy has known you for long enough as a buddy and as a lover...he knows what he needs to know about how things would be between you as cohabitators or spouses. Have you asked him if he ever sees you two marrying?? Tell him what you dream for, to set up a home with him and be a family and see what he says. BEtter to lay it on the line than to play games (have a secret timeline) and then leave.
A friend of mine tried to set me up with someone once, who was just out of a 10 year live in relationship. The woman in the situation had gone BACK to the father of her children.
My friend tried to say "well, it proves he can be in a long term relationship" I said "no, it proves he can go 10 years without making a commitment to someone he shares a life with"...
Sounds like your bf is showing the same lack of ability to commit. If you want more, find someone who is willing to do that. Don't sell yourself short.
Hi, and welcome to this board!
I know Maggie said he MUST be aware of your unhappiness, despite him saying he's not. I would disagree. I would say if you brought it up in the past, discussed it, and then two days later went back to same old same old, he thought, "that must have been hormones, because she's hunky doorey with the arrangment now!" You are living like everything is fine, allowing this to continue, it's PERFECT as far as he is concerned, and your actions ARE NOT saying otherwise, so OF COURSE he thinks you are happy! I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan - but he says something I TOTALLY agree with. We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him to treat you this way, because you've never asked for or demanded otherwise.
And my husband is 11 years my senior. Just because this man is older, doesn't mean he's more mature or an intellectual. I would argue that there is nothing all that intellectual about a man who has 3 jobs, and nothing at ALL mature about a man who is happy to "play family" with his OWN CHILD one or two nights a week. That is immaturity at its finest, and I'll never believe otherwise. Chronological age has NOTHING to do with intellect OR emotional/social maturity.
I've never once suggested this, but issue him an ultimatum. I want a husband, I want a full time life together, husband and wife mommy and daddy 24/7/365 day a week REAL relationship. I want a FULL time partner, lover and friend. None of this one or two times a week bull. And I wouldn't give him a timeline. He's had 5 years. The time is NOW! Either yes to now or goodbye, and I'd contact my lawyer ASAP about setting up a custody/parental support order. I got pregnant 6 months into my relationship and INSISTED on having one, even though I immediately moved in with him and marriage was on the table. And he agreed, whole heartedly.
An old saying comes to mind, that I have to clean up, "either poop or get off the pot." Period. You know what you want, you know what you DESERVE (at least I HOPE you do!) and this isn't it. This isn't meeting your desires or your needs. Next.
Edited 10/11/2004 6:45 pm ET ET by sunshinemin
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
And congrats on your little baby.
I think you're letting your boyfriend use you. It doesn't sound like you're getting what you want, but he sure is getting what he wants. A family doesn't mean you see each other 2 or 3 nights a week. A family certainly doesn't mean you see your baby 2 or 3 nights a week. This guy is an idiot. But I'm sorry to say, you've let this situation happen and now you're stuck. You have two choices. Dump him or keep things the way they are and be unhappy. You COULD issue the ultimatum like Min suggested but I think you may as well just dump him, he's not going to give you what you want.
It's time to take care of you and your 3 kids and find yourself a man who will be there 100% not when he feels like it.
Hugs
Tara
One time I tried taking a stand and just saying it's over because he just was never going to be able to give me what I needed. Yeah, it lasted about a week. He was really persistant on trying to make me happy and trying to tell me how much he wants to be with me and so on. But nothing has changed. And he's still going to have to be around to see the baby. So, I can't blow him off completely and be done cold turkey. And he is a good daddy, so he wouldn't stand not to see his son. Not that I would keep him away from him, but how do I move on still seeing him? And he's my best friend too...it hurts so much thinking about not being with him.
In the end, I know I must move on, I just don't know if I can.
I did start to end things "before" I was pregnant with Alex. I was entertaining the idea of dating someone else, and my boyfriend knew it because the guy kept calling. (My eldest child's basketball coach) My bf and I were out on a date and I was all upset on the inside knowing that it was going to be over, I drank myself silly so to speak. Not the smartest move I ever made, I don't usually get THAT drunk because I hardly drink. Anyway, my bf and I ended up in bed, nothing different there. I told one my female friends the next morning that something was different about the night before, I guess it was the fact I knew it was over....well...that wasn't it....I found out 12 days later that I was pregnant (thought I had the flu). The night I told him I was pregnant, he thought I was going to break up with him because of the coach, he figured it was one of the two things. And I told him that I did think about going out with that coach, but not now. (I tend to be pretty honest). He did ask me if I wanted to get married...but he didn't ask it as if he were asking me TO get married, he just ask if that was what I wanted. I said, "no." Because I didn't want to get married BECAUSE of the baby, I wanted to get married because we want to get married. I was all confused at the time with the turn of events. I do love him and I never really wanted to go out with the coach, that was more about the fact the current relationship was going no where than it was about the coach. And I told my bf that.
Some people asked about the 3 jobs, they are all pretty much part time. One is a day job for a few hours during the day (while I'm a work) and one is at night a couple of nights a week...and then the other is his own freelance business. He's a videographer. So he films, edits, etc. on his "spare" time. Things aren't going well with that and has had some conflicts at his other jobs with co-workers (he does have an "everyone is out to get me" thing going on). He thinks his jobs are so unstable, how can he think about providing and stable future "RIGHT NOW." He strings me along with anticipation of things to change.
He has been hurt alot in the past. I know that, I've even seen some of it in our time of knowing each other. He thinks he has too much baggage. But I know him, and an ultimatum would not work....he would go just because there was an ultimatum. About a month ago, I finally blew up and let it all out. He said that he didn't know that my clock was ticking and that I was so anxious for things to change...and in the end, I think that he does think it was hormonal...it was....because it had built up and it hurt. So, I decided to wait past our birthdays then see what happens. Well, mine was two weeks ago, and his is today. Now I keep thinking, do I want to do this before the holidays? I'm just stalling!!! One kids' b-day is before Thanksgiving, and the other two kids'(the baby's 1st) b-days are at Christmas time. BUT WHAT THE HECK AM I WAITING FOR?
I keep finding ways to put it off. At the end of the month, I find out if I get approved for a Habitat house. We both live with family. I live with my grandmother, and he takes care of his elderly mother. If I had my own place, would we see each other more because he would be able to stay the night....do I even want to wait that long to find out?
I so don't want to let go, but I don't want to be lonely either! Either way, I'll be alone. See my delimna? And, I'm rambling!
He says things about "maybe one day we'll get married" because he just needs to work through some things in his professional life. ... That's the proverbial carrot in front of your nose. He can keep you walking in the direction HE wants you to walk, and you'll never get the prize.
I so don't want to let go, but I don't want to be lonely either! Either way, I'll be alone. See my delimna?
I think you're more afraid of being alone than you are with losing this particular man.
He is just such "a smooth talker." Ya know how politicians can turn things around, that's him. Shouldn't you be with someone because you want to be instead of because you HAVE to be. That sounds like something he would say. And well, yes, would be the answer. Hence, that is what he is doing. UGH! He knows where I stand. I pretty much put it all out there about 2 months ago. I didn't expect an immediate response, so now what, how long do I wait after that conversation?
I don't want to "demand" a proposal, or "demand" we move in...I want it to happen because he wants it too. But that just isn't happening...
It really is killing my character, because I know him "SO WELL." When he dated this girl I had set him up with (this was 9 or 8 years ago, when I was married.), when he dated her, they dated for about 2 years, maybe 3. But they did get engaged (she broke things off). Why could he propose to her, and not me!?!? Things like that race through my head. That why it just needs to be over. I am driving myself crazy. Really!
I do put the kids' need ahead of mine. My kids are so wrapped up with him. My daughter calls him her "half-dad." Since he isn't her step-dad, but he is her half-brother's dad. So she tells everyone he's her halfdad. My older kids' dad doesn't see them hardly at all. I worry about the desertion of men in their lives. It is really hard for me to let myself get close to someone. Heck, we kept the kids from realizing we were dating until the past 2 years, because I didn't want them getting there hopes up.
WHAT A MESS! I can't believe I have let it go on for so long! At first it was workin' for me. I'm the one that changed. My needs have changed. 5 years ago, I didn't want anything serious. I hadn't been divorced that long. We would see each other for about a month and then not talk for a few months, then about 3 years ago, we saw each other EVERY week, so that was an advancement forward from where we were. We vacation together, we take my kids to the beach during the summer. We stay the night together when we house sit for one of my friends. He CAN'T stay over at my house because I live with my grandmother, we can't stay at his because he takes care of his elderly mother. I am HOPEFULLY getting a house soon! A part of me wants to wait and see if things change then, but I don't want to wait that long, I feel like I am just putting it off. And if I don't get that house, I am still in the same boat!
I just need to get strong and end it. Easier said than done!
Just wondering how you're doing and whether you have ended things with your boyfriend or not?
Hugs
Tara
Pages