stay or go?-5yrs & 1 kids later

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
stay or go?-5yrs & 1 kids later
11
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:48pm
I have been friends with this guy for about 10 years, we met in college. We have been friends ever since and have seen each other go through other relationships. (I was married when we met). Heck, I had even set him up with someone he dated for 3 years. ANYWAY. About 6 years ago, I got divorced. Shortly after, we started hanging out more, but still as friends. Then it turned into something more. We have been going out for the past 5 years, more seriously so the last 3, and about 10 months ago, we had a baby. My boyfriend is comforting, compassionate, and a great guy. We have never really argued. But our relationship has pretty much stayed the same. We see each other one or two nights a week. We don't live in the same town, but we're only about 30 minutes away. He works 3 jobs, I only work one but have 2 children, other than the baby, to chauffeur around. We are both really busy as far as the amount of time we have to see each other.

The problem is, this is as far as the relationship has gone. He is 15 years my senior, so he's the mature intellectual type. Knowing as long as I have, I have seen a drastic change in him. He's a very private, secretive person by nature. But he has opened up to me A LOT over the last 3 years, as compared to before. And he says he enjoys spending family time together and how much he enjoys being a family...but there's no ring...we aren't even sharing the same address....when is long enough, long enough? How many more years am I to spend waiting around to see if this relationship goes any further? He's happy with the way things are, and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "maybe someday he'll be ready for marriage." Those have come from him....but how long am I suppose to stick around to find out? It's been 5 years already....like I said though....our relationship has advanced in that time, but just not quite enough for me. I'm tired of being lonely and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I am lonely when I have him....I'm fine when we are together, it's just the other 5 or 6 days in the week. Having a baby to chase after just makes it that much more exasperating. How do you know when to stay and when to move on? I can play devil's advocate for both sides and it's tearing me up inside. When I have brought it up in the past, he is completely amazed about my unhappiness because he is quite comfortable with our family unit as it is right now. He does hate that he is so busy and it keeps him away...and he cares about my other two children so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!?!?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:28am
I can understand where you are coming from. My son's father and I were together for 8 years and he is 14 years my senior. We met when my oldest boy was about 6 months old and he was a great father figure to him and we became very close. His family and I knew each other well before we met and that just made it easier. 5 years later we had a son together and I looked at things from day one and they hadn't changed. We were in the same place as far as the realtionship went. He was more open but didn't want to commit yet in the fullest sense. We still lived apart (most of the time) and after a while I realized I had 2 boys who needed their mom to take the bull by the horns and get herself together. I told him how I felt and he kind of blew me off and from there I told him we either needed to be together or apart but no more part time. I deserved someone who was in it 100% and not just when it was convenient for him. It sounds like you love him alot and I am sure it is not easy but think of what you want for yourself and your children and then stick to it. Eventually you will be better for it in the end. DES

Free Blinkies

Pages