Staying overnight when kids involved

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Staying overnight when kids involved
18
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:14pm

My BF has 2 boys and they and I get along great. When he doesn't have his boys he stays over at my place 90% of the time. I was at his place last night to have dinner with them all and he ended up asking me to stay the night. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. It just doesn't feel like that is the right thing to do when the boys are around.

I am just wondering what other people's opinions are on this subject.

The boys' mother has a live-in boyfriend who has a couple kids too so I don't think they would be bothered in the least but it still feels wrong to me.

Pages

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:27pm
My boyfriend stays the night when my kids are spending the night at their dad's house, but he won't be spending the night with us in my home unless we decide to marry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 4:18am

I think you summed it up yourself when you said "It just doesn't feel like that is the right thing to do when the boys are around".

If it doesn't feel right or comfortable yet, then don't do it. I think everybody has different views on this, and there is no "right and wrong" - it depends entirely on how you feel, how you feel it would affect the kids, and whether you are ready. I think it also depends on the age of the child. I think my son is now old enough to realise that "sleeping together" doesn't mean just cuddling up and falling asleep, but dd is still at the age if blissful innocence.

Personally, I held off for a long time with my bf before letting him stay over. It was what we both wanted. I think he started to stay over from time to time once we had decided to move in together, and then it just seemed like a natural progression. I wanted to be sure that this one was sticking around, so my kids wouldn't grow up knowing their mum was sleeping with "some guy she was dating", but rather that my bf was someone who was part of all of our lives, and cared about us all.

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 8:50am

I agree with Clem that when you said that you weren't comfortable with doing so, then there was your answer. Don't do it if you don't feel like it's right. Just because their mom has a BF spend the night with her- doesn't mean you should (or could) do the same.

You never know- maybe the boys AREN'T okay with it, but they just don't say anything to anyone.

For me personally? I think the boys would be picking up messages about right/wrong by watching- and if she is allowing a BF to sleep over, then she will have to deal with her sons and their wanting to sleep over with girls when they are older, IMO. I'm not just talking teens... but later, should by chance they date a single mom- they're going to think there is nothing wrong with it. And to that mom and her kids... it might be wrong enough that she kicks him to the curb for trying!

I'm just sayin'. I know nothing is ever this clear-cut, but I'm just sayin'. But not to turn anything into any discussion on morals in any direction... if YOU are not sure about it, then don't do it.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:35am

You have to know what feels right for you. When I was engaged, I was ok with staying at my XF house and so were his kids and my kids. However, I have also stayed with someone at their place when their kids were around, but on the couch and with my clothes on. I have also had someone stay at my place but I would make sure the girls assumed he was in my room and I was on the couch. They would go to bed and see us watch TV and they would wake up in the morning and see me sleeping on the couch. That was only in the extreme case of long distance relationship or an early road trip someplace.

If I could change things their would be a few situations I would have changed and kept my children clear of. But I think in 7 years the most important is that I don't have men walking in and out of my home. I have had 3 people that my children knew were staying with mom and two I was engaged with and the 3rd was a mistake of trying to make a second go with my DD's father years ago.

I can only hope that my oldest was too young to not remember and I know my youngest definitely doesn't remember.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:57am

I agree with the others that you have to do what feels comfortable for you. It is very honorable that you would put his kids first. And I think that will go a long way in the end.

I like Cat's idea that if you do spend the night it would be infrequent and it would not look like you are physically sleeping together. That was a pretty good solution for someone who has their kids 24/7. Otherwise you can wait til the other parent has visitation - that is always the easiest route.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 4:19pm

This is something that is as individual as we are.

My current SO and I did sleepovers before we moved in together. Naturally, we started slowly (well, slowly for us), and worked our way up to nearly every night.

I think this depends on you, your guy, and the ideals you've both been raised with, as well as the children's ages and their relationship with their dad and with you.

Some people will bring guys over after the children are in bed, or the SO stays in another room for the evening, or they simply don't do sleepovers at all.

It is completely dependent on you and your relationship. However, I think you did the right thing for you since you weren't comfortable with the idea.

Moody, whose worng-o-meter is jsut slightly off kilter.


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 6:48pm

I agree with Shrimps, especially in terms of what this can mean later on in parenting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:28pm
I agree that it's best to play it safe and limit any kind of overnight visits. Maybe the kids mind, maybe they don't. I know when I was younger my dad's girlfriend would stay over sometimes after he and my mom got divorced and it made me uncomfortable, but I don't really know why. Maybe I was a little jealous, because it was our house and she was infringing on special time with my dad. Like other posters have said, I guess it really depends on the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 5:08am
I have VERY strong opinions on overnite guests (or the romantic kind) in front of kids. I will NOT do it, & havent yet, & dont see it happening for a long long time - until someone is in my life, very seriusly, for a very long time. At LEAST 6-8 months, minimum.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:52am

I totally agree with the effect on kids TMI can have.


Plus, there's a double standard still in effect.

Pages