Staying overnight when kids involved

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Staying overnight when kids involved
18
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:14pm

My BF has 2 boys and they and I get along great. When he doesn't have his boys he stays over at my place 90% of the time. I was at his place last night to have dinner with them all and he ended up asking me to stay the night. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. It just doesn't feel like that is the right thing to do when the boys are around.

I am just wondering what other people's opinions are on this subject.

The boys' mother has a live-in boyfriend who has a couple kids too so I don't think they would be bothered in the least but it still feels wrong to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:50pm

I agree with the teen thing. I think more what i was trying to say was if you are seeing a man for a year, teens KNOW what sex is & that obviously, sex IS a part of your relationship. Where as even if i were seeing somoene now, for a year, i wouldnt want my 7 yr old to see him sleeping over & figuring OUT what "sex" is.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 10:22am
I very much agree with soonee on this. I used to be a little more relaxed and sneaky when my children were smaller, but now that my oldest is 13 I am very different. I haven't even talked about dating or seeing anyone since she saw M last May. She asks and I tell her I'm not dating. I'm not really anyway, but even if she asked over the summer, I said I wasn't. Things are going to be MUCH different now. My oldest is and was very naive about the fact when someone was with me, but I won't risk that anymore. She has had her eyes bulge when I've held hands or a quick kiss from M goodbye, so I know she doesn't think anything else. I am definitely going to ensure that I have no more long distances, but very close proximity of a man that has his own place all by himself or the every other weekend. No more 24/7 Dads, because I have already have the 24/7 situation and with both having that situation it is EXTREMELY tough and very frustrating. Only in the event that my SO had the chance to take his kids someplace, but mine can't go anywhere because I know no one. M was 45 minutes away and that was already way to far. I don't want anyone staying at my place for any reason anymore because the distance is too far. Not with a teenager in my house now. I know that if I continued Alex will eventually put two and two together and think "OH, she was really doing that...!" Now she will never see it happen anymore, so she won't think about it. Anyway... point is, as my oldest is now at that sexual age, I want to do whatever I can to hide my personal life from her. I don't want her thinking it's ok, because Mom is doing it, or even thinking I might be, because it's not. She won't know about anyone I'm dating anymore. Only that I have a girlfriend to meet. My mom would tell me she was going to see her boyfriend and as a teenager I could put two and two together. I don't want my daughter thinking I'm doing the same, so I rather just tell her that I'm with a girlfriend and that she can call me on my cell if she needs something. And anyone I date will know it will never be spend the nights or late nights either. I don't want to leave my children at home late at night by themselves. That would just be irresponsible and again, setting a bad example.


Edited 9/10/2007 10:24 am ET by myprecioustwo
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 10:35am

I agree on NOT having anyone overnight with the kids in the house. Teens especially for they are beginning to find their own way sexually - feelings, identity, etc. and to have a parent "show" them it's OK to sleep with someone who is not your mate then that sends the wrong message to my teen.

I would not live with someone or sleep with someone with my kid in the house unless we are married. This is from a guy who lived with his wife for 3 yrs before we were married for 19 yrs. I have been through too many relationships where I thought it was the last.

The message I do want send my children that hugging/physical affection and showing love in other ways such as with words, deeds of kindness, gifts, etc. I do that with them, with my friends, and with the women I have been with.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 3:10pm

Well said, Mark:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 4:48pm

You are such a sweet dad and a great guy!!

I would NOT live with someone before getting married whether I had kids or not but especially with DS and after all the stuff he went through with his dad. And since his dad takes him plenty of days during the week I have no temptation. So I guess I am lucky. Plus I really value my freedom and independence and do not see myself stepping into the "living together situation" any time soon. This is all new to me and I sense from the time I went into the convent and got really comfortable being on my own. I did have the experience of living with a few boyfriends in my 20s - so I can also understand that it is very convenient and that some people like to do it. I just think it is different now that I have my own house and love my SPACE and also since I work a lot of hours out of my house - I like my peace and quiet too!!

But I am not so sure I am going to ride a hard line of "no sex til marriage" with my son - I want him to understand that is an optimal choice. But since most of the kids today do not really follow that, I want him to understand that sex is something serious with serious consequences and that he has to be prepared to protect himself against those and that casual sex is something that can come at a very dear price. I want him to understand all the angles and to know my opinion and then to make the right choice himself. I know that when he is in his 20s I will have very little say on such matters anyway. What parent really does at that age?

My own mom told me that no good girl has sex before marriage and that was the end of the discussion. But that did not prepare me for the time in which I grew up which was in the 70s/80s where birth control was easily accessible and the diseases were not as serious as what they are today and there was no worries of "are we in a relationship and is he going to call and is this really a booty call". EVERYONE was having sex and I had no idea about how to handle a guy's advances or what to expect or how to set boundaries or why it is best to wait or what impact sex has on relationships. We know so much more today and I am going to teach as much as I can to my DS. And then I know he will make the right choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:50pm
I agree completely Soonee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:48pm

Liz, I tried to respond to this, but all I could do was sputter incomplete phrases,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:44am
Your mom is obviously not giving you the credit and support that you deserve. What a thing to say to someone who obviously works very hard and struggles to be a good mom. She is too busy looking at the past and pointing a finger instead of helping you and your DD, her own daughter and grand daughter. Sometimes I wonder who is the parent and the child when you hear a story like that!

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