Stereotypes
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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 5:38pm |
Hi Everyone:
I just want to vent a little bit. Where I live (in a medium-size city) it seems that people just look at me as a Single Mother and NOT as an individual. They also seem to look at me like I have no education, no money, no goals and am just looking for a "daddy for my baby." I have SO MUCH ANGER right now about this. I have tried to date, only to have the men immediately run away when they hear about my daughter. Yet, in most cases, I am more successful career-wise than they are! (I have a masters degree and am currently working on a Ph.D) And, moreover, who says I want to have a relationship with THEM? I am merely dating. Yet, they always dump me and make me feel so bad about myself. I know that I shouldn't let these stereotypes about get me down, but it just feels like I am going out into the "singles" world with a big strike against me. It really does affect my self-esteem. What, may I ask, is WRONG with people?
I reality, I am so much more of a "real" person because of my child. She has given me a depth of feeling and understanding that gives me an advantage, hardly a "strike". People would be lucky to date me - I am not self-centered (as much as I was), giving, and have much love to give. Children are good at helping people realize that!
Sorry and thanks for allowing me to vent. Good luck to you all.

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HI,
Well, people can be Steeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid!!!
I live in the Midwest and stereotypes abound, about race, religion, gender, etc...
People who can't see a person for who they are rather than their status in any of those areas, you are better off without them anyway. Hang in there.
Hang In There. I've only started dating but I am so up for the same challenge and I know it. Well, I don't know what to say but I promise you won't be the only one going through it and that's why we come here ... to commiserate and support each other until our MR MAN comes along. Right?
I've only been on one date so far and lucked out that he understood that I wasn't looking for my baby's daddy. So I've been trying to come up with ways to make my status as a dating single mother the first conversation I will have (HOPEFULLY) other men (HOPEFULLY). Let's fight those stereotypes.
YOUR VERY TRULY,
SONYA mommy to beloved son,"K".
Unfortunetly it IS harder when you're out there dating again when you have a child. Where you once had to just set up a date and worry about what you will wear, now you have to add in the mix of "I need a sitter".
I always made a point to bring up my son in conversation when I met someone who seemed interested in me. A few times I actually heard the brakes squeal on in their heads and they couldn't get away fast enough LOL! But when I did talk about dating, I did make the guy understand that he was there for my entertainment and my son didn't need a father- he has one.
I split with my son's dad when he was 20 mos old and dated a few guys here and there, but didn't have anything serious because I didn't want to. It was 3 years before I met my current guy, and I must say, EVERYTHING fell into place from the very beginning.
So have fun and relax, the right guy will come along. Any guy who doesn't bother giving you a chance because of your child doesn't deserve a chance. The right guy will embrace you as a woman AND you as a mother. He will embrace your life as it is, you're a package deal now and he will be happy to fit that mold into his life and make it work.
Alison
Thanks, Alison:
Right now, I am not quite ready for a long-term relationship, but I am so tired of not even being able to date...and, well, while at first I was sad about it, now I am angry.
My daughter does have a very loving father, who has made some mistakes in the past with me and her and is getting his life back in order (slowly). So, after going through that mess, I just want to have some fun. But, what happens? These guys actually act like they are MAD at me or something for have given birth. Suddenly, it's like the tables are turned, they have the "hand" in the relationship and I am lucky to be with them for the rest of the night until they hit the ground running.
At any rate, I think I am going to focus on myself for awhile and, in the meantime, if the MIRACLE of an understanding man comes along, then fine.
I am glad that you have found one, by the way :)
Thanks! - TPJ
P.s. are there any MEN out there who would like to discuss this? What do you REALLY think of us single mothers? Do you stereotype us being particularly needy (in terms of economics AND emotional support)? Guess what? Most of us are doing just fine without You! (although I am angry, of course....)
I've never had a man think that I was looking for a dad for my kid. How old are the men that you are dating? They sound like immature, never-been married, no kids.
For many, many men (especially never-been married), they do view single moms as damaged goods (in a way). Too much complexity for them. You might cancel a date because your kid is sick. Or, they can't lay up at your house whenever they want to. Also, you have more important things to think about than just them. Men can be selfish babies.
But, I think, we as single moms are overly sensitive about our status. We run the risk of thinking that the grass is greener for the single women who don't have kids. This is not true. Many men are selfish and do not treat a woman any better if she doesn't have kids.
Dating is just out and out difficult....for everyone.
I agree that it can be just as difficult for a single gal- but I've also had the misfortune of having a guy say to me, "well, you'd be such a great girlfriend if you didn't have a kid..." Of course, the guy was a jerk but it still hurt.
I think that some guys don't realize that most single moms are doing just fine on their own and just looking for a companion to spend time with. Maybe they have some notion that the women are just lying around the house all day pining away for a man, not working and just waiting for a saviour.
When I left ds' dad I made minimum wage at a gas station, yet it was more than enough to cover everything I needed. When we had been together, I was constantly having to cover "his half" of things, so I figured out that I COULD do it on my own and did. Not having to cover for another adult left me with more money- go figure.
Alison
Alison,
The kind of guy who said this "well, you'd be such a great girlfriend if you didn't have a kid..." is a jerk. And, he'd pick something, anything about you that you couldn't change.
If you didn't have a kid, he'd say something like "you'd be perfect if you were 3 inches taller" or some other stupid thing that there's no way you could change about yourself.
Guys like that don't like relationships and will say anything to get out of one and still make it seem like it's your fault.
Tricia
Yeah, this was the same guy who basically broke up with me right before my bday (Valentine's day) because he met this other girl and wanted to take her out for dinner instead.
Talk about a low blow.
But, my friends and HIS best friend actually came through for me and took me out to dinner at the restaurant WE had planned to go to and had a great time!
FYI- he did ask the girl out, but she declined- so he spent that night alone. LOL!
Alison
I get the sense that women get screwed in the whole dating/find a man thing either way. If you don't make much money, then you're a gold digger. If you do make a lot of money, then you're intimidating. If you don't have kids they keep you waiting forever while your clock ticks because they don't want kids intruding on their life. If you do have kids, you're burdening them. Not all men are like this but TOO MANY are. I'm not saying that it is all our fault, but I do think that men have too much permission to do this from women. If women didn't tolerate this behavior then men wouldn't get away with it to the degree they do. I'll say this at the risk of sounding like a terrible prude (which I am) but I think women have sex with men way too quickly and easily and this is part of the problem. Men are not inspired to grow up, be responsible, be reasonable because if teir main priority is sex (with the exception of my ex, who is still living in conjugal bliss with his computer) and they can get that with no problems then they don't seem to aspire to much more. I'd like to say that men who are cruel to us will find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. But you know what, they wont. They will go to a bar and find a skinny blonde in her 20s to lay within the hour. I wish that women would be more supportive of each other. But they arent. They sleep with each other's husbands and boyfriends. They brag about themselves to men and distort men's reasonable expectations (I'm thinking right now of when I was a haggard completely sleep deprrived nursing mother of twin babies and my husband would come home and yell at me that the house wasn't clean enough. He told me that he worked with women who had 2 kids and HELD DOWN FULL TIME JOBS TOO and they told him that the housework was always done and their husbands never had to do any of it. They would be ashamed if their husbands had to do anything. They stayed up late at night cleaning if they had to. Thanks ladies. Like my husband needed help criticizing me. )
Let's see, have I said all the angry things I wanted to? That isn't even what I was going to post, but I guess I have a lot of emotions swirling around that needed to get out. Felt good. Anyway, as to the original post, you got my sympathy.
Amy
Amy,
When my ds was first born, both me and his father were off of work (he was on disability). I felt that because we were both off we could share the duties of parenting at night. WRONG! He didn't want to get up at all- even though he didn't have to work in the morning. A few times I let ds cry for a while before getting up to see if my ex would- nope, he'd just poke me and say, "the baby's crying". Couldn't even go and get him for me to nurse him.
GRR
So then when I went back to work, he was at home with ds. I would get home and the house would be a total disaster- he would have eaten all day and used every dish in the house, let ds play with all his toys in the living room and laid on the couch all day. I would get home and he'd ask me what was for dinner, and I'd have to spend an hour just doing dishes to get dinner started- plus ds would be clamoring all over me for attention, but my ex wouldn't even entertain him while I was handling a hot stove. The last straw for me was when I came home from work one day to find a disaster and him and ds gone. He then stayed away until I had had enough time to clean up, and said when he got home, "I knew that you'd come home, get mad, and clean, so I left it for you." I ripped a strip off him and said if I ever came home to that again, I would lock him out of the house.
And he used to pull the same thing with me, "so and so raised 5 kids and always had everything done and worked full time..." blah blah blah...
Alison
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