still beating MY head against the wall

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
still beating MY head against the wall
8
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:12am

Im sorry-- I need to post today about some of the same things...and a confession


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:32am
Oh MB,

HUGS for you today. This is surely a tsunami of bad feelings for you. I can only relate to some of it, but can just imagine that much would have me really down and out.

My opinion is that you need to pull back and take a break. Take a break from the house - it will get sorted out and you will find another or be able to put this on hold.

And surely take a break from Jerry. A big break from him. He should make you feel good about yourself and he has pushed you to an abortion and become emotionally withdrawn. No one would be better than someone in this instance. And I am betting that if you give it a big break you will detach and not want him back. Just my opinion - it is hard for me to really say since I am not there but I have been reading your posts and you seem so sweet and pretty that you deserve a lot more than he can offer you.

Just cuddle up with your beautiful boys and take care of them. You all won't die from having to stay in the same house for now. Everything will blow by. Really it will. You will have sunshine around the corner before you know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:12pm
I'm sorry life is throwing you such curve balls, Mary Beth.

But you didn't have to have an abortion. You chose to. And - I'm really sorry if this offends - but I have to say it - any man that reacted to an unexpected pregnancy by telling me to have an abortion would be kicked out the door. I don't care how attentive he is, I certainly don't care about his prowess in bed, because he would never have the pleasure to lay beside me ever again in his lifetime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:22pm

Im not offended--


I know I chose to.. Jerry never told me to have an abortion... he told me that I should do what I should do-- that he wasnt happy about it-- he didnt know how to feel about it....told me he would be there of course-- but it would only be because he felt the obligation to be.


So with that I was left to feel lost--- to feel pregnant with a unwanted child -- when I already am mothering 2 children who have a father who isnt taking care of them anymore. I felt bringing another child into that situation was not the best choice. I didnt want my child to feel as if its father felt only "obligation"


I realize that I had 2 other options


To have it


To give up for adoption


Whats done is done...


AS the protester yelled at me as I ran out the door of the abortion clinic


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:31pm
I'm sorry you are hurting, Mary Beth.

I'm not judging your having an abortion. I am pro-choice, and I feel very strongly if a woman WANTS to have an abortion, she should have the legal right to do so, and she should certainly not be harassed by people outside of the clinic.

The key word is WANT TO. It saddens me greatly to know that you had an abortion you did not want to have. And, you told us in previous posts that Jerry did suggest an abortion to you, and made it clear that although it was your choice, he wasn't interested in fathering a child. I have no time for a man who views an unexpected pregnancy as nothing more than an obligation to begrudgingly fulfill.

Hugs to you. You will make it through this time - and if you can't - do what I did. Seek help. I'm on day 2 of Zoloft, and I went to yoga Saturday morning.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:53pm

MB, I am sorry and sending the biggest possible cyber hugs your way. I am sorry you feel overwhelmed and out of control.


There are several things here that you CAN take control of.


A) your relationship with Jerry continues to be unfulfilling and not what you want. It is in your power to no longer cater to him and to simply let him go and work on YOUR life. (read my post in Candi's thread about my dating relationship with Jas. It was extremely difficult, but he was willing to continue furthering our commitment and our future together was constantly discussed. That was the only reason I continued to work through it with him. If I hadn't had that, why would I have stayed? I woudn't)


B) You can definitely continue therapy.


C) You can get some additonal outside help for the boys in schooling. I know what a stress that is. I deal with it too, and I've only ONE ten year old. I can't imagine


With regards to you and Jer. You said: still its not enough and Im thinking the problem lies with me ... I don't think so. The ONLY reason the problem would lie with you is your inaction to change something you don't like. You can't change him. But you can change your association with him. I think you need to quit being "logical" that he's such a nice guy, and such a great lover, and sometimes he says the right things, and blah blah blah and you have to make the right choice.


JMHO.


Hugs again.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:23pm
Mary Beth:

Huge hugs to you. My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time, and I can relate to several things you posted about.

"I killed my baby and I will need to ask god for forgiveness" And once you have asked for that foregiveness (if you haven't already done so), it will be given and "cast into the sea of forgetfulness". God will forgive you; you need to forgive yourself and not beat yourself up about it. I'm not trying to be preachy, I just want to make you feel better. People tend to hang onto and hurt themselves with their past mistakes, long after God had forgiven them. I'm real guilty of that. But once you let it go, you can begin to heal.

"Life is just throwing me too much -- I am single mom to twin ACTIVE 9 year old boys who are having a hard time in school- they are in special ed for reading" As a fellow mom of twins, I can totally relate to what you are saying. Even though my twins are boy/girl, my daughter has ADHD, is in second grade, but reads at a kindergarten level; so I can relate to your struggles with special ed for reading. Where that is concerned, all we can do is our best to help where we can, and seek help from other where we can also. What helps me deal with that kind of stress is that after the kids are in bed, I do something to relax myself, even if it's only a half hour; I work on my hobby, which is crafts. It unwinds me and makes we feel good.

"Im not sure what the answers are to happiness at this point anymore.

I wake up each morning doing what I always do-- go through the motions of seeming happy but underneath-- Im lost." Man, can I relate to that. I felt "lost" for about a year back three years ago and I also felt like I was going through the motions. I started going to therapy once a week and started taking medication also. I also did things for me to improve me, like going to church and volunteering. I'm still a single mom of 7-year-old twins; I haven't found my prince yet and have kissed a lot of frogs; but I can honestly say that I'm happier today than I was 3 years ago. For sure, happiness is hard to attain. But working on yourself is a good way to start. Right now I'm at a good place in my life, but it took ALOT of hard work and therapy to get me here. Always remember that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And a year from now you will look back at this time in your life and you will not be able to believe the improvements that you have made. Absorbing yourself in your children is a good thing. If I hadn't had my twins when my exh left, or when my exbf dumped me, I probably wouldn't be here today, because that's all I had, but it was enough to keep me going. Children provide unconditional love, and that's what you need right now.

I'm not going to give you advice about Jerry, because I'm way to guilty of staying in relationships that weren't good for me because I didn't want to give up. Just keep working on yourself. Because when you are strong enough, you will know exactly what to do in that situation. I actually dumped my last bf because I wasn't happy with the relationship. Three years ago I would have stayed no matter how miserable I was. When you are feeling overwhelmed with everything in life, it may seem easier to stay in a relationship, even if you're not happy. That's why I say, work on yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

Best of luck to you and post whenever things get tough and you feel down.

Donna







iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:42pm
This is SUCH a great post! MB I hadn’t replied to your post, because I was at a loss for words, but this post has really said everything I was hoping to convey…so I will just say I agree. Take care of you first…then you will be strong to tackle everything else that comes your way.

Take care of you. You deserve happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:45pm

MB, I also wanted to give you hugs, prayers and positive thoughts.