still, still, still wants to be friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
still, still, still wants to be friends
7
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:29am
My ex sent me an email letting me know what a great, sweet woman I am. He doesn't want to date me. He says he knows that one day my heart will be content and he's confident that we can remain friends through all of this.

Why?? I don't understand why. The whole experience hurts me and makes me think less of people, in general. I fell in love with him and he ran. I could have kept him at arm's length, been a fun party girl, and all-round cool chick...and he would have stayed with me, but there wouldn't have been any love in the relationship. I'm guilty of cutting and running too. The guys who probably would never leave me are the ones that turn my stomach and seem so clingy to me.

I don't know why he would want to be friends. I did reply to his email. I don't remember what I said though. I was pleasant, but I'm a great deal of pain over this break-up...even with the facts staring me in the face that this guy was not good for me. I think these cycles will repeat themselves. I will fall in love and the guy will run. Or, the guy will fall in love and I'll run.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:40am

Why? In my opinion he likes you just enough to keep you around as a backup.


Don't worry about what he wants. If you WANT to continue the friendship (For my part, I wouldn't. If you're hurting, contact with him will not be helpful) then continue to respond. If you don't, then just hit DELETE the net time you get a message or email, and be done with it.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:57am
Hi

Like Bec said, he probably wants one on the backburner at all times, I have seen guys like that. I wouldn't worry too much about what he wants, just either ignnore him til he gets it or tell him to stop bothering you if you don't want the friendship.

Hugs

Tara

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:05am
Why does he want to be friends? That's an easy, one word answer: ego. He doesn't want to think of himself as the bad guy in all of this, so if you agree to be friends with him, he can look at himself and say, "see? I'm not so bad...she's willing to be friends with me".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:08pm
I agree with all of these posts. Pooey to him - it is what YOU want that matters. I agree that you cannot continue to be friends when he caused you such pain. You must stick to your guns, heal, and then find someone better.

And I notice what you say here:

"I'm guilty of cutting and running too."

THAT is not true!! You just wanted a relationship where you can be loved!! AND don't feel guilty for that for one minute. You have to have your needs met.

Enough time and emotion wasted on him. Do not answer any more emails or phone calls. Time to move on and find someone who will like you. I always like your posts, fivesense, and think you are a great person that will find a special person to love.

Isn't it Tara who said there is someone for everyone?? Just this morning I saw a frumpy looking woman in the grocery store with a husband who adored her. I don't mean to be shallow - but if there is someone for her then there is someone for everyone!!

Heads up - no time to look at toads who got thrown in the pond!! Onward.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:41pm
Hey thanks for all the responses. I've decided that I'm going to stick to no contact with him. I sent him one last email and explained that I need to find happiness on my own without having any contact with him. I said if he decided that he really has feelings for me and misses me as a woman, then he can call me. If not, I don't want to be his friend. I know he'll never call, but I said that anyway. That kind of makes it easier for me because it shows to me that he's not a man who would step up to the plate for me. Everyday he doesn't call, I won't be sad. I'll just lose a little more respect for him until I don't miss him anymore.

The no contact thing is actually kind of hard, even when you know the guy is a jerk. If emails back again, I'll have to ignore it because I already said everything (again).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:02pm
Why not block him from emailing you?

Sheri

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 8:49pm
OMG! I know exactly how you feel. But you can do this. We are here to help. Every time you want to write back to him, come vent to us instead. I swear, it'll help.

big hugs

Tara