Stopping by to say hi
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| Mon, 02-04-2008 - 11:38am |
Hi everybody. It has been months since I have written or even lurked here on the board but I thought I would come by and say hi today! Lots of new people which is great!
I don't know if you remember (some of you may) that I have been dating E since around June/July of last year. It has definitely been a rocky relationship. I am trying to understand how he works and he is so unpredictable, sometimes in a good way and sometimes not. I have issues with some of the things he does or says and I have expressed my feelings but it doesn't work with all of the issues. He can be very sweet at times but even after 7 months of dating, it seems like we have been together for 7 years not 7 months.
It seems that some things have come out of hiding since dating him and I really worry about them. For one thing, his financial situation is terrible. His credit is screwed and he blames it on the ex because she couldn't handle money so he is being bull-headed by not paying the bills they had together because he wants half from her. Well that is a joke because she doesn't have a job and is supposed to be paying child support but that is sporadic. I told him he could have paid those debts with the money he made on the selling of his house but he blew that money away. Well now the credit collectors are starting to garnish his wages and this really bothers me. He has no faith that his ex will help pay for the damage she did but he doesn't realize that he screwed himself by not paying those bills. I will admit that he is getting a good sum of money from his tax returns and plans on paying off most of the bills. There are 3 that he wants her to pay him half for. Good luck with that!
Another thing that bothers me, and I have expressed this before on this board back in the beginning of the relationship, is that he cusses at his kids and has even told them to shut up on occasion. I DO NOT want him talking to my son that way and will not tolerate it. He has 2 little girls and I just feel like he shouldn't talk to them that way or even cuss in front of them. I don't cuss in front of my son or to him and if I do, it would be by accident. I'm no goody two-shoes but there are certain ways I act with my son. He knows this bothers me but smiles when he does it and says "I know you don't like what I did." So why do it?????
Now the ex is showing up more in the picture and it frustrates me. It frustrates him too because she had left him and their children for another man and has now married this man. When we were first dating, I never heard him say she had called and she never really had contact with the kids or him until it was her time to get the girls. Then when he took her back to court for 4 counts of contempt back in September, she started calling once or twice a week. Then after Christmas, she started calling every day and now for the past month she calls 3-4 times a day. They have had issues to deal with as far as their girls for the past month so I understand that they want to make sure everything is okay but she would call up for stupid stuff. She doesn't bother me that much but just the fact that the contact has increased bothers me. He told her to stop calling him all day long and that if she wanted to call to talk to the girls then that was fine. While all of this has been going on, I have been put on the back burner. It is okay but it got to a point where he was talking to his ex more than he was talking to me in a day. All we had been talking about his is ex and what she was doing to get on his nerves. He never asked how my day had been or how my physical therapy or classes went. I was tired of talking about his ex all of the time.
There have been issues with an ex-wife (not the mother of his children) and other females since we have been dating but I am NOT going to go there. He didn't sleep with any of them but they kept contacting him and he wouldn't tell the ex-wife that he had a girlfriend because he said it was none of her business. blah blah...he wanted ME to handle telling these women off but I didn't feel like it was my place since they were calling HIM. He could have put a stop to it but he likes people asking him for advice and he likes the attention. Anyway...
Another thing that bothers me is that E wants me to initiate sex or anything intimate, like a hug or kiss, all of the time. Now if I mention that it seems like we have lost touch or that I don't feel like I'm wanted by him, he will step up to the plate but then something else in his life will pop up and that goes to pot for a while. I want to feel like any woman wants to feel...like her man just cannot keep his hands off of her and wants her, not just sexually but intimately and mentally too. It's very discouraging to me to have to initiate all of the time.
I know that I am griping and groaning about E and that this should tell me something. I have found that I have been doing this for a while now. This relationship has had so many ups and downs and my trust in him is not 100%. I just don't know what to do to get out of this rut with the way I think about our relationship. He has definitely changed since we first started dating. He told me something the other day that hit me like a ton of bricks because he was right...he told me that I didn't love him for the way he is. He is so right. I HAVE been trying to change him (getting him to quit smoking, his spending habits, saving money, how he talks to his girls, etc.). I think I am doing this because I am finding out about all of these things that I didn't know in the first few months we were dating. My gut tells me that I should end this relationship but my heart doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I'm talking about the kids. E and I are grown folks so we can get over this. I know the kids would get over it but it is still hard knowing that I was the one that caused the hurt but I cannot keep going like this in our relationship. It's not fair to him to be treated like he is by me (not trusting him completely and questioning why he does some of the things he does) and it's not fair to me to hang in there to try and change him to my standards. Does any of this make sense?
Well, sorry to come back to the board with all of this. lol I have been talking to a couple of good friends about everything that goes on and they aren't thrilled with his actions but they have given me advice as to how to handle some of the things that pop up too. Thanks for any advice or suggestions you can give!
Glad to have stopped in! It's good reading all of the updates on everyone. :)
Jennifer

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It is hard when there are kids involved but you have to do what is best for you.
April
I have to agree with Lonely on this one.
Hey April. I too thought about him resenting me for trying to change him. Yes, it would be for the better as far as his outlook on his life but I don't want him to think that he isn't up to my standards and he has already expressed that to me.
Something has got to give so I guess it will have to be me to push the issue so to speak.
Thanks for your input! :)
Jennifer
I feel the same way you do Moon about having someone that I don't have to change and that it doesn't mean they have to be perfect, but perfect for ME. I thought I could deal with his smoking and how he handled some things with his life but it is really getting old. I feel like if I could SHOW him how to handle situations better or talk to his kids without using cuss words then he could see that he doesn't have to be so harsh or rude. I do realize that he could eventually talk to my son that way and it just tears my stomach up.
Yes, I am not happy that he did not tell me how much of a financial bind he was in. That just shows me that he can be irresponsible. I forgot to mention in my original post that I had a talk with his stepmother who is a wonderful lady. Very classy. Get this now...SHE told ME that she thought I was right for E but to ask myself if E was right for me? She said that she didn't want to see E and I break up but that I had to be true to myself. I guess since she is his stepmom and not his biological mom, she can see how he acts without being biased. She has been married to his dad for 14 years now so I think she has seen his ups and downs over the years.
Moon, a lot of things that he has done or said has been crass so I know what you mean.
Thanks Moon!
Jennifer
Thanks Cat. :) You're honesty is what I need.
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer
Common wisdom says not to be in a relationship with the intent on changing your partner and if you cannot accept him/her (i.e. you change or let go) or get out.
You know, Mark, at the beginning of the relationship everything was okay. It has only been the past month and a half that I have found out about the debts he has collected together with his ex. Now I feel like trying to teach him how to be smart with his money and not to be so bullheaded about paying them because she is attached to them. I consider this changing a person. However, this is not the only time he has gone into debt with a SO and THAT worries me. It's like a pattern and I don't won't to be sucked up into that pattern. Sometimes I think that his behavior is immature but I don't say anything.
Yes, integrity is very important to me as well. He tells me he has morals and values BUT I think he is referring to cheating on a SO because he has been put through that and doesn't want to do that to someone else. I want fairness, he wants fairness. Besides integrity and fairness, I value trust, honesty (something that he hasn't been), respect (another thing he has a problem with)...basically treating people how I would want to be treated. He is not like that. He can be selfish at times which, in all honesty, we all can be at one point or another. This type of selfish though is that it is okay for him to do something but not me. Double standards...THAT gets on my nerves. Now, it doesn't happen very often but when it does, it gets my blood boiling.
I am finding out more and more that I don't think I could live with him if we ever decided to take the next step in our relationship. THAT to me should be a red flag in my brain. lol I guess I am just trying to find the good out of the bad but the bad seems to be taking over.
Thanks for your opinions Mark!
Jennifer
It seems that some things have come out of hiding since dating him and I really worry about them. For one thing, his financial situation is terrible. His credit is screwed and he blames it on the ex because she couldn't handle money
That's a huge red flag for me. My ex was in the EXACT SAME BOAT and you know what? He took me down with him. He told me that his ex wife had put him through the wringer financially but what I discovered was that he was just plain BAD with money.
The cussing in front of the kids sounds awful and I could not tolerate that. I would bail for that reason alone.
If your gut is telling you to break up, I would. You can use the financial issues as a good reason. It's simply logistically necessary for you to detangel yourself from someone who does not have a good foothold on spending and money. Not that he has to be rich. But he does have to be accountable and responsible.
I'm sorry you have to make that kind of break,. No one likes to hurt anyone but in the long run you will be helping yourself and your kids and they are the one to protect more than his heart. I know it sucks-
Keep us posted,
Edited 2/4/2008 3:08 pm ET by pacific_sun
Thanks Pacific. The situation that you were in is exactly what I DON'T want to find myself in. He is not good with money either and his dad gets on him about that. He KNOWS that he should be better with it but he doesn't carry anything through to help himself. When he was talking about the tax return money before he talked about paying off some of his bills, he said that he wanted to buy a laptop. He has a freaking desktop that is only a year old! He said he could use it for work but it is a second job (part-time) that he is not sure will go full-time and he wants to buy a laptop for it. The part-time job going full-time would be a great thing because it is a dream job for him BUT it is not a guarantee. THAT told me right there that he is not going to be saving that money anytime soon which is sad.
I am reeeeally trying to get my head together and make all of these things come together because I know that if I confront him, my mind will go 50 million directions. I already know that he will put the blame on me or he will feel bad about himself which I don't want him to do. I just know that something's gotta give.
Thanks again!
Jennifer
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