Stopping by to say hi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Stopping by to say hi
22
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 11:38am

Hi everybody. It has been months since I have written or even lurked here on the board but I thought I would come by and say hi today! Lots of new people which is great!

I don't know if you remember (some of you may) that I have been dating E since around June/July of last year. It has definitely been a rocky relationship. I am trying to understand how he works and he is so unpredictable, sometimes in a good way and sometimes not. I have issues with some of the things he does or says and I have expressed my feelings but it doesn't work with all of the issues. He can be very sweet at times but even after 7 months of dating, it seems like we have been together for 7 years not 7 months.

It seems that some things have come out of hiding since dating him and I really worry about them. For one thing, his financial situation is terrible. His credit is screwed and he blames it on the ex because she couldn't handle money so he is being bull-headed by not paying the bills they had together because he wants half from her. Well that is a joke because she doesn't have a job and is supposed to be paying child support but that is sporadic. I told him he could have paid those debts with the money he made on the selling of his house but he blew that money away. Well now the credit collectors are starting to garnish his wages and this really bothers me. He has no faith that his ex will help pay for the damage she did but he doesn't realize that he screwed himself by not paying those bills. I will admit that he is getting a good sum of money from his tax returns and plans on paying off most of the bills. There are 3 that he wants her to pay him half for. Good luck with that!

Another thing that bothers me, and I have expressed this before on this board back in the beginning of the relationship, is that he cusses at his kids and has even told them to shut up on occasion. I DO NOT want him talking to my son that way and will not tolerate it. He has 2 little girls and I just feel like he shouldn't talk to them that way or even cuss in front of them. I don't cuss in front of my son or to him and if I do, it would be by accident. I'm no goody two-shoes but there are certain ways I act with my son. He knows this bothers me but smiles when he does it and says "I know you don't like what I did." So why do it?????

Now the ex is showing up more in the picture and it frustrates me. It frustrates him too because she had left him and their children for another man and has now married this man. When we were first dating, I never heard him say she had called and she never really had contact with the kids or him until it was her time to get the girls. Then when he took her back to court for 4 counts of contempt back in September, she started calling once or twice a week. Then after Christmas, she started calling every day and now for the past month she calls 3-4 times a day. They have had issues to deal with as far as their girls for the past month so I understand that they want to make sure everything is okay but she would call up for stupid stuff. She doesn't bother me that much but just the fact that the contact has increased bothers me. He told her to stop calling him all day long and that if she wanted to call to talk to the girls then that was fine. While all of this has been going on, I have been put on the back burner. It is okay but it got to a point where he was talking to his ex more than he was talking to me in a day. All we had been talking about his is ex and what she was doing to get on his nerves. He never asked how my day had been or how my physical therapy or classes went. I was tired of talking about his ex all of the time.

There have been issues with an ex-wife (not the mother of his children) and other females since we have been dating but I am NOT going to go there. He didn't sleep with any of them but they kept contacting him and he wouldn't tell the ex-wife that he had a girlfriend because he said it was none of her business. blah blah...he wanted ME to handle telling these women off but I didn't feel like it was my place since they were calling HIM. He could have put a stop to it but he likes people asking him for advice and he likes the attention. Anyway...

Another thing that bothers me is that E wants me to initiate sex or anything intimate, like a hug or kiss, all of the time. Now if I mention that it seems like we have lost touch or that I don't feel like I'm wanted by him, he will step up to the plate but then something else in his life will pop up and that goes to pot for a while. I want to feel like any woman wants to feel...like her man just cannot keep his hands off of her and wants her, not just sexually but intimately and mentally too. It's very discouraging to me to have to initiate all of the time.

I know that I am griping and groaning about E and that this should tell me something. I have found that I have been doing this for a while now. This relationship has had so many ups and downs and my trust in him is not 100%. I just don't know what to do to get out of this rut with the way I think about our relationship. He has definitely changed since we first started dating. He told me something the other day that hit me like a ton of bricks because he was right...he told me that I didn't love him for the way he is. He is so right. I HAVE been trying to change him (getting him to quit smoking, his spending habits, saving money, how he talks to his girls, etc.). I think I am doing this because I am finding out about all of these things that I didn't know in the first few months we were dating. My gut tells me that I should end this relationship but my heart doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I'm talking about the kids. E and I are grown folks so we can get over this. I know the kids would get over it but it is still hard knowing that I was the one that caused the hurt but I cannot keep going like this in our relationship. It's not fair to him to be treated like he is by me (not trusting him completely and questioning why he does some of the things he does) and it's not fair to me to hang in there to try and change him to my standards. Does any of this make sense?

Well, sorry to come back to the board with all of this. lol I have been talking to a couple of good friends about everything that goes on and they aren't thrilled with his actions but they have given me advice as to how to handle some of the things that pop up too. Thanks for any advice or suggestions you can give!

Glad to have stopped in! It's good reading all of the updates on everyone. :)

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 3:42pm

Hey Jenn, I am chiming in late - good to see you back - sorry to hear you have so much distress. But good to see you ARE asking these questions and seeing things as they are.

My .02 - you can't change him - it is as easy as accept and embrace or dumpola - especially with cussing in front of the kids and money problems. I would not want to sign up for either one. I mean, this is not a matter of wants to hog the remote or socks on the floor - this is stuff that would impact the quality of your life on many dimensions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 3:43pm

Jennifer,


I don't think I see a point to confronting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 3:57pm
It took me so many years to learn this golden tidbit! And a few bruises from punching men I wanted to change who were incapable of it. I am shopping better now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 4:18pm

Hey! You are right that this is not about little nit-picky things. This could affect me and my son on down the road and I can't let that happen.

Glad you are shopping better. :)

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 4:27pm

I am shopping better now!


You are shopping smarter :o)


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 4:27pm

Well I definitely don't put up and shut up as far as relationships are concerned. I think that is why we have arguments about the things that bother me. I think you have a good idea about writing down everything that I value and list them in relevance to importance and see if he matches what I want. I kind of did that with Mark's post but just informally.

Thanks Soonee!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 6:13pm

((((((Jennifer))))) That bites...


But when you said "I already know that he will put the blame on me or he will feel bad about himself which I don't want him to do. I just know that something's gotta give."- that just struck a chord with me. If you already know that if you do or say something he won't like- and he will react that way (by blaming you for HIS feelings).. then what kind of relationship are you hanging on to? You already know that he doesn't match up to what you know you want and deserve. And he's not even TRYING to improve on himself. I think you already know what you need to do- but just posted to us- to get some cyber-support and validation. Did we validate in flying colors or what?!? ;-)


I agree with the comments you already received, and many of those things I would consider deal-busters, too. Bad with money is a deal-breaker. And to keep on letting his own credit go down the tubes, just to make some POINT about his ex not paying for half?!? Deal breaker!


Cussing in front of the kids? And then to make a comment to YOU about it, knowing you don't like it- but he keeps on doing it anyway?? That is simply a lack of respect. Lack of respect for you- to keep doing it when he knows you don't like it. And a lack of respect for the kids too- to be cussing at them. Deal breaker!


So many things that just aren't right in building a good foundation for a relationship. I'm glad you have your head together. Just make sure you know what you want to say- and then get it done- and stop worrying about his feelings on it- because he isn't taking responsiblity of anything he is doing anyway. (It sounds like my dealings with my own ex, many times over...)


~shrimpy, who knows a good relationship just isn't this hard

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 7:37pm

a good relationship just isn't this hard


That's the crux of it, isn't it?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 7:57pm

I agree that a good relationship just isn't this hard.


I never had such an easy relationship as with CNDG.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 9:07pm
Hi - I am no relationship expert at all but why do you want to complicate your life? You seem to have things together and he's a bag of problems. I am in the middle of a divorce from someone sort of like your guy. I'm sad, but wow, life got much less complicated. I think you will just be facing more of the same stuff, over and over. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be aggravated. Find your inner peace.