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| Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:35pm |
Five scary signs to watch for before committing
By Dennie Hughes You shared first-date greatness. (msn article)
Second and third dates followed… suddenly, you and your new potential significant other are celebrating three months together, and you’re beginning to think that you’re on the road to a real relationship.
The first three months of any relationship journey is, essentially, a magical mystery tour full of fun and excitement. It’s when you’re heading into the fourth month of dating — and out of the “best behavior zone,” that area we all wander into to impress the heck out of each other enough to get that next few dates — when we start to see signs of the real person emerging.
Some of these “real person indicators” may be quite endearing (i.e., her habit of writing “I love you” on the mirror with her lipstick). Others can be downright annoying (his tendency to come up with power-ballad lyrics for every romantic moment). Not exactly roadblocks, but certainly bumps in the road one must navigate.
However, beyond the bumps lie behaviors that are not only inexcusable, any signs of them need to be taken seriously to avoid finding yourself in a dating dead-end. Before you cross commitment county lines, be sure to watch out for the following scary signposts:
Scary Signpost #1: LIES. We’re not talking about slight exaggerations; we’re talking full-blown, look-you-in-the-eye, detailed whoppers told to make himself look better or more important, or provide him with excuses why things don’t go his way.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: Trust is the foundation of every relationship; without it, there is nothing on which to build a relationship.
Scary Signpost #2: CHEATING. Technically, it’s too early for someone to be “cheating” on you (after all, you’ve just started dating, and neither one of you should be promising fidelity this early). However, he can be cheating on someone ELSE — with you as the (hopefully) unwitting partner. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that he is with you because you are so much “better” than the other person. Actually, what WOULD make you the better person — and better off, at that — is if you dump this cheating chump immediately.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you.
Scary Signpost #3: NEGLECT. Everyone gets busy, and sometimes it’s really hard to schedule time with someone you care about. But if your sweetie went from major availability to never returning your phone calls — and when you DO talk, he makes you feel like you’re selfish for wanting a slot in his now super-busy schedule — it’s time to take him off your speed dial. A person who truly cares about you will always find a way to get in touch and times to get together.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: If someone makes you feel like a bother because you want his attention, he’s not worth the bother.
Scary Signpost #4: ABUSE. I know that you know that there is never, ever any reason for someone to physically assault you and that the only one allowed to say “You drove me to it” is you — to describe why you had to call the cops to take him away. Abuse, however, is more than just physical: It’s being criticized and put down to the point where your self-esteem crumbles; it’s being called names and being made to feel lucky to be in ANY relationship.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: No one worth having makes you feel worthless.
Scary Signpost #5: ADDICTION. He’s addicted to Court TV or keeps the sports channel on 24/7? Annoying, yes, but not scary. However, if the addiction is to drugs, alcohol or gambling — addictions that definitely affects the day-to-day life routine — you should move on immediately. It’s imperative to keep in mind that you have to be more invested in yourself and your future than in someone who has so little investment in himself that he hasn’t tried to get help. Skip the guilt.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: You don’t want a man or a woman who can only manage being dateworthy on a “when I’m not incapacitated” basis.
If you’ve kept a watchful eye and haven’t seen any of these scary signposts along the way… continue on your journey towards commitment and don’t forget to enjoy the ride!
Second and third dates followed… suddenly, you and your new potential significant other are celebrating three months together, and you’re beginning to think that you’re on the road to a real relationship.
The first three months of any relationship journey is, essentially, a magical mystery tour full of fun and excitement. It’s when you’re heading into the fourth month of dating — and out of the “best behavior zone,” that area we all wander into to impress the heck out of each other enough to get that next few dates — when we start to see signs of the real person emerging.
Some of these “real person indicators” may be quite endearing (i.e., her habit of writing “I love you” on the mirror with her lipstick). Others can be downright annoying (his tendency to come up with power-ballad lyrics for every romantic moment). Not exactly roadblocks, but certainly bumps in the road one must navigate.
However, beyond the bumps lie behaviors that are not only inexcusable, any signs of them need to be taken seriously to avoid finding yourself in a dating dead-end. Before you cross commitment county lines, be sure to watch out for the following scary signposts:
Scary Signpost #1: LIES. We’re not talking about slight exaggerations; we’re talking full-blown, look-you-in-the-eye, detailed whoppers told to make himself look better or more important, or provide him with excuses why things don’t go his way.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: Trust is the foundation of every relationship; without it, there is nothing on which to build a relationship.
Scary Signpost #2: CHEATING. Technically, it’s too early for someone to be “cheating” on you (after all, you’ve just started dating, and neither one of you should be promising fidelity this early). However, he can be cheating on someone ELSE — with you as the (hopefully) unwitting partner. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that he is with you because you are so much “better” than the other person. Actually, what WOULD make you the better person — and better off, at that — is if you dump this cheating chump immediately.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you.
Scary Signpost #3: NEGLECT. Everyone gets busy, and sometimes it’s really hard to schedule time with someone you care about. But if your sweetie went from major availability to never returning your phone calls — and when you DO talk, he makes you feel like you’re selfish for wanting a slot in his now super-busy schedule — it’s time to take him off your speed dial. A person who truly cares about you will always find a way to get in touch and times to get together.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: If someone makes you feel like a bother because you want his attention, he’s not worth the bother.
Scary Signpost #4: ABUSE. I know that you know that there is never, ever any reason for someone to physically assault you and that the only one allowed to say “You drove me to it” is you — to describe why you had to call the cops to take him away. Abuse, however, is more than just physical: It’s being criticized and put down to the point where your self-esteem crumbles; it’s being called names and being made to feel lucky to be in ANY relationship.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: No one worth having makes you feel worthless.
Scary Signpost #5: ADDICTION. He’s addicted to Court TV or keeps the sports channel on 24/7? Annoying, yes, but not scary. However, if the addiction is to drugs, alcohol or gambling — addictions that definitely affects the day-to-day life routine — you should move on immediately. It’s imperative to keep in mind that you have to be more invested in yourself and your future than in someone who has so little investment in himself that he hasn’t tried to get help. Skip the guilt.
PULL OVER BECAUSE: You don’t want a man or a woman who can only manage being dateworthy on a “when I’m not incapacitated” basis.
If you’ve kept a watchful eye and haven’t seen any of these scary signposts along the way… continue on your journey towards commitment and don’t forget to enjoy the ride!

I thought all was great and looking back, I should have seen numbers 1-3, but we were "in love" and I guess I kept making excuses (so my friends tell me) to reason them out. Towards the end: number three * needs space, alone time...which lead to number two *emotional cheating, ie phone calls, emails basically taking himself out of our relationship to "be" with her (she lives two hours away) which lead to number one* alls great, I'm trying to make us stronger blah blah..Numbers 1-3 were there in the beginning before her as he was trying to figure out if I was the one also. So much for the note "somebody loves you very much" he wrote and left in my truck around the 7 month mark! I want to trust again, but will be very wary of the signs of a player the next go 'round.
I'm printing this out and keeping it close so I don't get blindsided again!
Thanks!
Candi,
You are so hip and so right on with these five scary signs. Thank you for finding and posting these for us.
I can think of quite a few guys I have had to boot for one or more of these reasons.
No slack, no mercy, no regrets!!
No slack, no mercy, no regrets!!
Amen Sister!