Strange....what does it mean???....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Strange....what does it mean???....
3
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:40am

Me and my deployed pen pals! LOL They are getting less and less lately, because they make an awful lot of work. I love to write and I love to let them know I care, but I am really starting to wonder if I just don't put it on a back burner.

So, I have this one pen pal. VERY VERY nice guy, really sweet, very interesting, fascinating job and background, etc etc etc. I have been writing him for almost 3 months while he was in Afghanistan, but he just now returned from Afghanistan 10 days ago to the states. He tells me what's going on and how things are and stuff about himself whenever I ask or don't ask. He's a great letter writer.

I ask him lot's of questions. He answers all of them, but in almost 3 months never asked me more then two questions. Not even: "How are you?", He will write: I hope this finds you well.
But to me, that is two different ways and it's not asking is it?

He knows I have children, but he's never asked how old, their names or otherwise, yet he said once he loves children, he once mentioned he feels to old to start having some of his own, but otherwise he's ok with meeting a woman who has children.

He has never asked me a question at all about me. Like likes or dislikes, my job, where exactly I live or anything.

YET! Now this is what confuses me. If I don't write him, he will write me and write me and write and tell me that he misses getting my mail. That he thinks about me. That he really likes me as a person and thinks I am a super terrific lady. He's a great letter writer. He often says he would so like to just be able to meet me in person that he thinks a fate or carma brought us together because we seem so much alike, our interests are so much alike and he's so happy we've become friends and he hopes to think that it might become more one day.

OKkkkkkkkkkkk! So, why no questions? We have written 38 letters back and forth and he's only asked me 2 questions in the first two letters.

Seeing that I seem to have really bad luck this week with all my pen pals, I decided, because he is now back home, to finally tell him that I find our correspondence a one way street. That he can't possibly identify me with a pen pal, because that means you learn from one another by asking and showing interest. He can't identify as a friend, because that would mean he were their for me as a friend and would ask how I was doing. And to identify me any other way above that, is just plain out of the window. So who am I? What does he want from me?

Anyway, I guess I'll find out sooner or later to what he'll respond, but I would like to hear from you all. What do you think it is? I think it could be he's emotionally unavailable. He lost his mother from cancer at his pre-teen age, he has a super hard and difficult job that has made him stay in the war for almost the whole 3 yrs pendeling between Afghan and Iraq. He goes back to Iraq in June for another 18 months. He's been deployed 5 years out of 9yrs in the military, so he told me, he hasn't been able to have a relationship with anyone and he wouldn't want to put anyone through that until his life got more settled.

Totally confused. What should I do? I did put it in his court so I guess not much to do, but wait for his response, but what your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 8:19am

What have you told him about you?

I am not sure how to read this. I always give people the benefit of the doubt - sometimes to a fault. Maybe he is only this way in a writing style - but maybe he is this way in real life. I would probably feel the same way as you.

My online dating experiences would show that email/phone/real life are three different things.

I guess you could ask him your question - but on a positive note - like, is there anything you do want to know about me? You have told me a lot about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 4:40pm

"He often says he would so like to just be able to meet me in person that he thinks a fate or carma brought us together because we seem so much alike, our interests are so much alike"

How does he know your interests are alike??

I'm just curious, what are your goals with your correspondence? Are you looking for a relationship or just trying to be a friend to a soldier who may need one? I only ask because if this is a "support the troops" kind of relationship then it may very well be one-sided as he may see you as being there for him. I'm thinking of sort of a parent-child relationship. I could be way way off base but that's what jumped into my head. You put the ball in his court now so all you can do is wait and see how he responds. I'll bet he is totally shocked and never realized how you felt.

Also, he's probably been writing you under very stressful conditions.

Anyway, I hope his answer is one you want.

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 5:41pm
I agree with the previous poster. It seems like a one-sided relationship. He probably enjoys your letters, but he seems socially backwards if he never asks about you. He most likely thinks that you like him and that's good enough for him.