Stuck in an age warp
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| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 2:47am |
This isn't a vent necessarily but more of an observation/deep thought.
Have any of you felt stuck in between groups? I am 25, a college grad, and a mother of a 7 year old. I don't quite fit in with those my age (mostly) and yet, I don't fit in with the other parents with children my dd's age. I'm not into clubbing and getting drunk all the time and yet, I like going out to good restaurants for dinner and drinks, movies, whatever. Most of the moms where I live are in their mid-30's to 40's and rarely get away from their families. On the rare day that I meet someone my age with a child in the same age range, we tend to be vastly different. They often still live with their parents and don't know/care much about events, food, etc. To top it off, I look like I'm 19 so the beginning of a lot of conversations goes something like "Yes, this really is my daughter. No, I didn't have her when I was 12. Yes, I realize I'm still very young."
It's very frustrating sometimes. I guess this did turn more into a vent, huh? Really, I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. I do have a few friends but it seem exponentially harder to find friends to relate to. I live 2000 miles away from my family and while I do have a great boyfriend, he's not a husband. I have joined 20/30 club which is great.
Ah, the life of a single mom. :-)
Jennifer

"Ah, the life of a single mom. :-)"
I think that sums it up for any single mom no matter the age. I am 44 and feel the same way. Many my age are married and into their families. I have found friends through mutual activities rather than through my child. Still, it is not easy when you have children.
Stick around - we are glad to see you here and would love to have you particpate in our discussions.
Tell us more about your bf.
Jennifer, I'm in much the same position as you. I'm also 25, with 7 and 5 year old children. Nearly all of my friends are in their late 30s or early 40s. It simply works for me. I have little to nothing in common with people my age except the age, and we're at vastly different places in our lives. I have a career versus a job, drive a car that I bought and am responsible for rather than my parents, maintain a home rather than an apartment, and I simply don't have the time nor the inclination to "party all the time". While I enjoy going out and having a great time, I also would rather spend time doing family friendly things on most occassions.
Because of all of this, I have found an excellent core group of friends with whom I have a lot in common, but they aren't my age. It really doesn't seem to matter, though, since we have a lot of common interests, and our children enjoy spending time together, even though they are slightly older than mine. In fact, I find I learn a lot from my friends, and they say the same about me.
I think the key is to not worry so much about age, and instead focus on finding people you can relate to. I know making new friends isn't as easy as that, but when we come into a new situation, there is always the possibility.
Hang in there, and know that there are a lot of people in your situation! It's great that you've joined a club with other people, and I would continue to do things that interest you- you never know who you'll meet!
Moody- who's never fit in, or wanted to.
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I totally agree that age doesn't matter. I realized this morning that I have almost always been the youngest in a group. I tend to relate with people older than myself better.(I grew up very quickly-abusive home, etc.) I think that my age does matter to a lot of people that I meet, though. I think that people assume because I am young, that I behave that way, KWIM? I feel like I've got to prove myself and then I might be accepted. To tell the truth, it's comical to see people faces when they realize that I'm not just some poor, single mom and that I'm educated, have stong opinions, and that I can teach them something. Remember though, I live in an upper-middle to upper class neighborhood full of people who had their children later in life. Plus, I live in an apartment and it plays into the stereotype a little more. (There's no option of buying a house right now, the median home price is $389,000.)
Overall, life is really great and I know what brought these thoughts to the forefront. I recently became a temporary stay-at-home mom and in most ways I love it. I thought it would be a great way to meet some of the other parents at my dd's school and expand our social circle. Wrongo. Some of these people are so over protective, in my opinion. Two of my dd's friend have never had a playdate without one of their parents present and they are *7*. Another mother and I tried to start a carpool for the afternoon and one mom was scared to let her child ride in my car! Might I add, that I am a huge carseat/booster advocate and her children are not protected properly, at all. So that totally plays into perception and not reality.
One more thought. I know that not everyone feels the same way. Some people are simply busy. They do not have time to play "get to know you" when they have 4 kids and a house to take care of along with tons of family obligations.
My boyfriend says I have a complex about my age and I agree. Well, it's not my age but the age I appear even when I'm wearing a well tailored suit. It's frustrating. I have to explain at least once a week that my child is, in fact, mine. They always smile and tell me I'm soooo lucky that I look so young and while it will be really nice to be the hot mom ;-) it get's old.
Enough of my whining. :-) Life isn't perfect for anyone, especially not moms.
Jennifer
I know what you mean about the stay at home mom thing. As a work at home mom, I felt like I could belong both to the work at home mom group and the stay at home mom group yet I was still very unique in my situation.
Now that I am a single mom, I am REALLY different.
I used to relate to older people when I was your age, but now I enjoy younger people because they have a lot of fun things to talk about - like music and movies and their careers and classes and dating - and they have real hip taste on clothes and are just a lot of fun to be around. Taught me to shop and fix my hair better and put different ring tones on my phone and to use text messaging and all sorts of great things. But I don't like the clubbing group. Not at all.
When I see the moms my age at school now I feel different - because I really care about how I look and have more of a life than just my husband (don't have one!) and child. I think I would be different even if I was married because I have learned to have my own life outside of being a mom.
I was out walking the puppies yesterday and ran into one of the moms (married with 3 kids) from our school who lives near us. I sort of felt sorry for her - she just really seems to be in a robot mode to keep everyone in her life happy except herself. And she only works part time so it is not like she HAS to be that way - just chooses to.
Also talked to my sister this week. Her best friend is contemplating divorce. I was shocked - this lady has THE LIFE. Her hubby is a successful attorney and she doesn't work - has a nanny, expensive hobby, 3 kids in private school. The works. But it turns out he has more than one psychiatric condition and is on meds and is having anger outbursts. And this is all after he had an affair. She doesn't know what to do. I don't think she has worked in more than 2 decades and she was a teacher. Hopefully they can sort it out.
All that "glitters" is not gold.
Hi Jennifer,
Welcome to the board.
I understand where you're coming from- I am 29 but get told I don't look 29- more like early 20's (hey, won't complain there!)