Swapping weeks: joint custody question
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| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:06am |
Here's the situation: my ex had been working as a consultant for the last year, out of town during the week and at home on the weekends. Because of that he'd been taking the boys (7 & 12) almost every weekend. Well, he just got a job in town again, and I thought we were going to go back to our regular schedule - every other weekend plus one night a week. But then he suggested doing it one week at a time instead - one week the kids stay with me, one week with him. We did it last year during the summer, and it worked well, but there was no homework, after-school activities etc.
He thinks it would work better and be less disruptive than the usual schedule. I am not so sure. It's not that I object to the boys spending time with him, he is a good dad and they are very close to him, but he is not the most organized person in the world, and I worry that things will be falling through the cracks on his weeks on and then I'd have to pick up the slack. Also, he lives further away from their schools and his new office is further away too, so they'd have to re-adjust to a different routine every week.
So, if any of you ladies had tried that arrangement, I'd love to hear your thoughts. He asked me to think about it, and we usually can discuss things in a reasonable manner, so I think if I offer my objections with valid arguments, he will understand. I told him we could try for a week or two and see how it goes, he's ok with that too.
Thanks,
Galina

If you are able to communicate with your ex, if he is a good dad, I think it can work. There IS going to be an adjustment period, and I firmly believe a "couple week" trial period isn't enough. There ARE going to be bumps that will have to be worked out, and they will NOT be worked out in two or three weeks. Period. There is going to be a period of separation and anxiety that you are going to experience, because you are giving up full time control. You are trusting dad to drop them off, pick them up, feed them appropriate meals, assist them with homework, etc., and that transition is frightening. The boys are going to have to adjust to having two totally separate households, with possibly two different sets of rules. And your ex is going to have a MASSIVE period of adjustment. And, he is a different parent than you. Not as well organized. Understandable. I firmly believe that given the option, a willing father can parent just as well as, just as organized as a mom. It's going to take some time, and his style is never going to be identical to yours, but it can be done.
I truly think this benefits children, especially boys, who I really feel need their father just as much as they need their mother. They need dad to take an interest in school, in their day to day lives, and I feel like only co-parenting really provides kids that option.
Feel free to ask any questions you might have. I don't know ANYONE else who parents like this, not even on "co-parenting" boards that I have found. THIS is the book that I would REALLY like to write. We had numerous issues in the beginning, and I am fortunate to have a friend that is a child psychologist, who I could call and get advice and bounce ideas off of. I feel like 3 years into this, we've pretty much gotten it down - and besides the fact that I CAN'T MOVE - I wouldn't want my custody situation any other way!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Thanks!
Galina
My first main issue was overwhelming anxiety whenever ds wasn't with me, that ex was going to neglect him and not care for him as I thought he should be cared for.
Second issue - dinner. I cook. We eat healthy meals. When we first divorced, that wasn't a concern because he was practically living at our best friends' home and ds was being fed there. Then he got married, and his wife cooked. Then they got divorced, and I'd call ds to chat (I call him every other night when he's not with me) and he would tell me "MOM! Daddy let me have Fruity Pebbles for dinner! And last night, I had COOKIE CRUNCH!" Ok, once in a while. Fine. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY NIGHT??????? Not fine. Had to have a talk with ex.
Another issue. Discipline. We had to agree to have the same BASIC rules at each house - otherwise, it simply wasn't fair to ds, as he had completely different expectations every single week. Bed time is the same at both houses. 8:30, except on weekends, no exceptions. Homework, must be done every single night. No exceptions. Dinner. He had to eat whatever was presented to him (and we don't fix foods we know he doesn't like) and no one does the "short order cook" crap. Snacks. No junk. Nuts, whole wheat crackers, fruits, ONLY. Period. No cookies and no soda except on special occasions. No treat if you didn't eat your dinner, or if you needed "help" eating dinner (come on ds, settle down, you need to eat" every 2 minutes). No more than 30 minutes tv at night during the school week. Period. Responsibility for making your bed and keeping your toys picked up. Basically, ex and I sat down and came up with a list of rules. Then, we sat down with ds and said "here are the rules. These are the rules at mom's, and these are the rules at dad's. Period." Now I DO have to say that ds gets away with things (BACK TALK!) with dad that he does NOT get away with me! And that is a constant issue. But you know, I think that's normal. When I was little, I could get away with pretty much anything and everything with my daddy, cause I was daddy's little girl, unless I REALLY stepped over the line, daddy would only give me "the look". But with my mom????? I couldn't even toe the line without getting disciplined. And my parents are still married.
Other issues. My ex is a spoiler. This is an issue in any divorce - actually any relationship. He buys ds things that I wouldn't buy. He works on a very "reward based" discipline system, that I personally find TOTALLY ineffective with ds, who when disciplined through removal of rights and rewards - wants to know exactly what will be taken away if he misbehaves and EXACTLY what he will get if he is good. He playes ex like a master pianist in this regard. One stroke of the keys and daddy is promising new toys, a bedroom remodel, a new yugioh shirt, etc., etc., etc. HA! You will behave in school and respect your teacher because you are a kid and that is your job! You will get NOTHING in return for doing so, but the fury of hades shall come down on you if you don't! That's my philosophy. Not ex. If you behave in school and respect your teacher all week - Friday night I'll take you to Toys R Us and you can spend $25!!!!!!!! This would be an issue no matter our visitation schedule - and I expect it would be an issue even if we were still together.
The older ds gets, the more he attempts to play us. We have to communicate. Last night, ex brought over ds at 7:30, as he had to work last night and really early this morning. He takes me outside, away from ds, and tells me ds flatly refused to eat dinner, and it was something that he loved, and he is to have NO TREAT tonight, and he is telling me this alone because he caught ds in numerous "mommy lets me, mommy said, well when I'm with mommy" situations during the week that he knew were NOT true. Ex left, I bathed ds, went to put him to bed, and the tears started. "Daddy didn't give me any dinner! I'm sooooo hungry!" I told him "that's not true. And you are now in trouble for lying to me. Daddy took you to _____ house, where you were served steak kabobs, and you refused to eat, were too busy, wanted to play." Well then he started doing what we call the "banshee wailing" and was put to bed with no dinner, no treats, etc.
Another issue is that in order for this to work, I believe you must have constant communication with your ex, especially due to the little ones. If it's just a weekend here and there, and you are in charge of most functions, schoolwork, etc., you can pretty much go months without speaking. When there is a class project due and a birthday party during dad's week and issues with spelling, you gotta talk. At first, this was HARD, HARD, HARD. Every question my ex asked me I took as him prying into MY life, and I reacted HORRIBLY. He did the same. That took ALOT of resolving.
Since your kids are older - you won't experience MANY of the issues we did. ALOT of our issues arose from our ds' lack of ability to communicate effectively with us. That has changed and improved greatly as he gets older.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
As you pointed out, some of the issues will not come up. My ex is a better cook than I am, so I'm not worried about that. We do follow the same basic rules regarding homework, bedtime etc. Yes, I am more of a disciplinarian than he is, but I wouldn't say he spoils them rotten.
The communication part worries me a little. He doesn't like to talk about details. I do. He also doesn't pay much ATTENTION to details, and I worry the kids might miss out on things because he forgot to sign something or get in trouble because he didn't ensure something's done on time. I guess we'll have to sit down and talk through a lot of things that I think are a given and he might need a reminder about.
Again, thanks for your input. If we do decide to try it, I'll let you know how it goes : )
Galina
That snapped him into shape very quickly.
If you aren't good at talking to him - - - LOL - - - we rely HEAVILY on email. Still. He tends to be VERY forgetful!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I'm also somewhat concerned about living arrangements. He is in a one-bedroom apartment, and the boys sleep together on the fold-out couch in the living room when they are there. Not a big deal for a weekend, but a week at a time, school nights and all - I don't know...
I think I better start making a list of things that worry me and go over it with him before we start.
Galina
I wouldn't be "somewhat" concerned about that living arrangement. It simply isn't acceptable. They would have to have their own room. Their own space. Because it's going to be their home. Having them on the couch in the living room would not give them the feeling of security and stability that kids need. And - I would worry that they feel "displaced" in their OWN home. Not acceptable. That would HAVE to be remedied. Due to financial reasons, my ds and I shared a bedroom when I first got divorced. But he had his own bed, his own dresser, his own play area, and a scooby doo sheet hung carefully from the ceiling so he would have a feeling of it being HIS.
OH - another issue you might have that surprises you, the kids becoming very upset when you do "fun things" when they aren't there. My ds is still VERY upset that mommy, stepdad, and baby brother have a life without him when he's not there. In his perfect little world, our lives would STOP when he wasn't with us!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I'll start that list, and put the living arrangements at the top of it.
Galina