Taking it slow
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| Sat, 05-03-2008 - 12:50pm |
I keep hearing from here and from some of the women I meet that they want to take "it" slow.
I wonder what the heck does that mean? I believe that there is a myth that it takes time to know a person. In some ways yes for I believe I need to know someone over the four seasons before I really feel like it's a long term, committed relationship. On the other hand, I trust my intuition and know fairly immediately on what sort of person I am dealing with and whether or not I want to continue to create a relationship with her.
Does slow mean seeing/talking with each other once a week? once ever couple of weeks? Keep the time with the other person down? Not talking about certain personal things until Date #x? No sex until Date #x? Or not be sexual or to kiss until after certain number of dates?
For me, I want to get to know the person. In order to do that, I believe if I see her often, talk to her about things that are meaningful to me (e.g. dreams, fears, joys, etc.), and share different experiences and environments with her. So does it matter if I do all that over a period of months rather than weeks or even days?
I suppose for most people slow means that their head or emotions need to catch up with each other and be in sync and that takes some time?
I guess I don't have that issue but seem to scare women when I do want to get know them within a short timeframe.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb

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Mark:
I wish I had the answer for you. I think there are as many definitions for "taking it slow" as there are people. I know I always say I want to take it slow but find that when I find someone I really click with (which we all know is rare) going slow flies out the window. My honest feeling is that, in the beginning, when people say they want to take it slow, they are actually saying "you're really great and I see that but I'm not ready to settle down or commit to anyone or anything as this time but when I do, I'm hoping you're going to still be there". I think this based on the fact that they often run when you try to push for something that moves quicker. The hard part for me, as it sounds like it is for you, is that you'd like to spend as much time with a woman as you can, get to know her, and see if you are a good match and build something with her.
I know I didn't provide much assistance, only an analysis. Bottom line...if the person is the "right" one, I believe they will want to move at the same pace as you.
Cat
Good question, Mark!
I'm not sure there could be any one answer for that one. Like the others have said- it's pretty much an individual thing as to how anyone defines "taking it slow" when it comes to relationships. That's why it's even more important to know yourself (what you really want) and express that to the other person. And hopefully you could both agree and things can move at the same pace.
For me, going slow means to not rush into any huge decisions or commitments before knowing each other more. People can pretend to be something they are not for a short while, but no one can pretend for months and months at a time, without something real showing through! I've rushed into a physical relationship too soon, I've rushed into an emotional relationship too soon. I've rushed into big decisions (such as getting married) too soon as well. My mantra now is to GO SLOW because I've learned the hard way, that these incidences of rushing... has always gotten me into situations where I didn't belong.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Pacing is everything, isn't it... I think Cat was on the money when she said, if it's the right person, the pacing will be right, too.... (she said it better)...
Slow for me is emotionally slow... obviously TG felt the same as you... he met me and wanted to spend as much time as possible with me getting to know me... he knew he liked me right from the start... and that scared me. But i'm glad i worked thru my stuff so that i could see he was genuine and not manipulating me....
My ideal pace would be hearing from a guy every 3 days.... going on one maybe two
Mark, sorry women are complicated. I think it means just not to move too fast. Not that certain subjects are offlimits. Women worry when a man wants to move the relationship forward too fast. Its a red flag. A red flag that signals a possible abusive man. I was in one of those recently. He moved so fast that within months he was saying he wanted to marry me. I found out afterwards that he just didnt want to lose me. He was so insecure in the relationship that he wanted to marry quickly to avoid losing me. Scary!
Thats what scares women. Take it slow. Be her friend for a bit first. See her as much as you two want and talk about whatever you two want to but dont push the relationship too fast.
Laurie
Mark
I find men to be as much a mystery as you do women.
I trust my intuition and know fairly immediately on what sort of person I am dealing with and whether or not I want to continue to create a relationship with her.
I've read that men decide whether they want a second date in about 5 minutes, while it takes the whole evening for a woman to decide.
"you're really great and I see that but I'm not ready to settle down or commit to anyone or anything as this time but when I do, I'm hoping you're going to still be there".
When I say I want to go slow, it means "I think there is some fantastic potential here, and I want to do it right".
if it's the right person, the pacing will be right, too
In my life, I've made mistakes that caused a potentially great relationship to fail.
Women worry when a man wants to move the relationship forward too fast. Its a red flag.
Oh, wow.
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