Taking it slow

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Taking it slow
35
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 12:50pm

I keep hearing from here and from some of the women I meet that they want to take "it" slow.

I wonder what the heck does that mean? I believe that there is a myth that it takes time to know a person. In some ways yes for I believe I need to know someone over the four seasons before I really feel like it's a long term, committed relationship. On the other hand, I trust my intuition and know fairly immediately on what sort of person I am dealing with and whether or not I want to continue to create a relationship with her.

Does slow mean seeing/talking with each other once a week? once ever couple of weeks? Keep the time with the other person down? Not talking about certain personal things until Date #x? No sex until Date #x? Or not be sexual or to kiss until after certain number of dates?

For me, I want to get to know the person. In order to do that, I believe if I see her often, talk to her about things that are meaningful to me (e.g. dreams, fears, joys, etc.), and share different experiences and environments with her. So does it matter if I do all that over a period of months rather than weeks or even days?

I suppose for most people slow means that their head or emotions need to catch up with each other and be in sync and that takes some time?

I guess I don't have that issue but seem to scare women when I do want to get know them within a short timeframe.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 4:05pm

Thank you for reinforcing what I have suspected, i.e. that when people say they want to take it slow that really means that >>they are actually saying "you're really great and I see that but I'm not ready to settle down or commit to anyone or anything as this time but when I do, I'm hoping you're going to still be there".<<

And that the pacing is whatever the two people want. So when I hear "I want to take it slow" then they are not ready (at least with me) and I should just move on immediately.

This will save time and disappointment.

Mark

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb




Edited 5/4/2008 4:06 pm ET by mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 5:44pm

Again, this is just my opinion and based on my experience. I think people say "let's take it slow" but will speed things up when they realize how great the other person is. And see how I said "people"...not "men" or "women". I try not to generalize between the genders.

Take care and I'm confident the right one is coming your way.

Cat

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 05-04-2008 - 6:17pm

Ok, after a glass of wine I'm going to give the pessimistic version of "taking it slow"...yes, I like you (for now) and I'd like to have sex with you (for now) but lets see how I feel in a month, a year, etc. In other words, I be with you and have sex with until something "better" comes along.

I know that sounded nasty but I sometimes think that's the long and short of it.

Cat

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: mhash
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 4:55pm

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: mhash
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 5:11pm

Mark, be yourself... when it's right, it will work out.


Loony- this statement

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mhash
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 5:28pm

I don't blame you for wanting to know what that means. I remember we had a discussion thread a long while back about this - and we got so many answers - it taught me the lesson to clarify.

I think it could mean slow sexually - that is what it would mean to me - and not go crazy calling each other 20 times a day and saying I love you in just one week.

But also to a guy it could mean he wants to take his time emotionally and not get exclusive for a while. Of course if he wanted to fly through the bases that wouldn't fly with me! LOL!!

I did tell KarateMan that I believe you have to go slow and pace yourself and get to know each other - we were having a discussion about dating in our 40s/midlife and how it has changed from when we were young and the whole OLD thing. He hates OLD - but says that he doesn't want to be alone the rest of his life and feels that if he doesn't take a proactive approach he will get too set in his ways. I thought that was endearing!

The perfect pace to me in the beginning is slow with consistency - plan a date or two a week and a call or email once a day at most - maybe every other day. Slow and steady win the race I think and especially when you are older and have a full life.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:17am

OK.. I keep getting this as feedback so I want to pay attention on how I behave. I am bummed because I am wondering about ME. I messed up at work and got a big reprimand and with this pattern from these women I am feeling frustrated about what and how I can change. Actually I feel more than frustrated, I feel fear - the fear of me not succeeding at work or in relationships. I am not asking for advice, just sharing.

So all the women I went out with, 3 were scared away and one I was not interested in.

This is from Jane, the 51 yo social worker I took to see Young@Heart and the comedy club with my response.
========================================
Dear Jane,
Thanks for the feedback.
My curiosity in wanting to get to know people seems to create a discomfort. For me trust is a given and no real need for "defenses." I see relationships with people simply. They either do what they say or not. If they do not then I either work on understanding them or don't count on them.

I am confused on your comment on being quick to experience rejection. I thought I just shared an experience. My spiritual practice is to accept people rather than reject them. I really work at looking inside and past some behaviors so that I can have that compassion.

Funny, the more open I work on being, the quicker the rejection. I will examine that.

Thank you for sharing part of you and intersecting my life.
Metta,
Mark
---
Jane wrote:

Think I needed a little time to digest and sit with my experience of the last conversation before giving feedback to you. There is nothing wrong with intensity. However, your way of questioning did feel somewhat intrusive. Wondered if that is what people may experience. Does take time to know folks. For defenses and gaurds to let down. I find it enjoyable to know people over a period of time. Being.....people eventually unravel...naturally....with trust, acceptance and in time......

Wow-also seemed that you are quick to experience rejection. Perhaps also reject others before they can reject you, maybe? . I am uncertain, because I don't know you, seemed that I got caught in the crossfire with your experience of the previous caller. Perhaps? Was also left with experiencing compassion for you. Feels as though you have some wounds in need of healing?

I do thank you for questioning me about my last relationship. I actually ran into the wife of David's friend, who invited me for dinner. Went-and was enlightened. What a gift that was. How kind they were to assist with completing and confirming the puzzle. Takes time to know others.....well....I can still say that my experience with David was positive. Sometimes, just not the outcome we desire....

So-dear Mark, thanks for holding my hand in a time of need for connection. I wish you well in your journey-Jane M.




Edited 5/7/2008 8:26 am ET by mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:33am

Mark,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:40am

Just give priority to the woman in front of you.


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:47am

Thanks.

I signed up for Match (and now eHarmony) just after CNDG which I was screaming to myself "Why?" since I did not want to face being rejected online and deal with all those coffee dates. But then I thought that maybe this is the best time since I was not attached to the outcome, i.e. I really was not hungry for another relationship. I could just casually date.

So I guess I could not do that. BTW, I only held hands with Jane. I hugged the others goodbye so I was aware of NOT being touchy feelly. And I have not shared my blog with any of the women I dated, except with Cindy and that blog was my picture blog. She showed me her children and grandchildren so I shared the blog that had my children's pictures on it.

When I am asked about past relationships, I answer truthfully but I will be more conscious about not asking or sharing about them.

I will use that mantra, "I will take it slow" next time. Thanks that's a good one. Right now I'm looking into the mirror and saying "I love you" to keep focused on loving myself and not being needy. I don't *think* I am but I want to cover all bases.

Liza, the 51 yo recent empty nester, who told me that I'm a *HOT!* dancer, sent me email tentatively proposing a bike ride on Saturday. I countered with Sunday since I have my DD15 then and perhaps my DS18 back from college this week (yeah!).

Thanks again.

Mark who is up at 4:30am because he could not sleep from work stuff and now getting this email from Jane





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb