off on a tangent
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off on a tangent
| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:38pm |
I didn't want to continue the thread...but something interesting was posted somewhere midway down the dialog...I know that I'm a hard ass, been told so often enough...but isn't the point of dating a period of investigation, getting to know each other? If you had known something ugly about him in the first three dates, would you have continued seeing him? Why is it different after eight months? It's still dating...not a formal engagement. Even if it's an engagement, there's no commitment to working things out if you come across something you don't like. Am I the only one who feels this way?

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I was in a bad relationship way too long, and I won't waste any of my life doing that again. Not that everything will always be perfect, I don't expect that. But unacceptable and I'm out the door. Hmmm...maybe even after I'm married...ya know?
Well, I sort of see your point. The only thing I would say is this. Dating (to me) is not EIGHT months of a "trial period". In eight months (or six, or ten...whatever) I'd better have moved on enough in the relationship to have more than a "checking this out" kind of interest. I don't date for ten months. J and I were not "officially" engaged by then, but it was our plan.
And so at that point, when I did discover some thigns about him that less than thrilled me, I felt it wasn't something to just walk away from, as it would have been 3 dates in. I was in love with him and in a committed relationship. So, at that point, the thing to do was work on it. Now, obviously, I was not yet "locked in" for life. So, had it been impossible to work through those things, and had I found that he was unwilling to work it out (or if I had been) then I would have had to cut my losses.
No one is a perfect fit. There's always something you don't like. But IMO, love covers a multitude of sins. So, when you're in love (and no longer just "in lust" or infatuated) there's more room for imperfection and mistakes.
So, 3 dates in and someone does something you can't live with, yep, I'd say "nice knowing you. see you around...maybe"
In 8 months, I am committed and I start "practicing" being married and working through troubles to see if we can rise above. If we can't it's VERY painful at that point, but you do walk.
Just my pennies.
But unacceptable and I'm out the door. Hmmm...maybe even after I'm married...ya know?
Ok, so I am argumentative lately. (this is J's fault. LOL) Here's the question: If you say you might leave someone, even after married, if something came up that was "unacceptable" to you, then why marry in the first place. What's the point of marriage to you? Don't you already have a list of "unacceptable's" that you make DARN sure are not there before you marry? And if that if something becomes "unacceptable" to you after you marry, do you really walk just because the person you married suddenly has this huge flaw? (ok, infidelity and abuse aside certainly)
Just asking again for the sake of dicussion. Not trying to argue with you. ;)
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No, you're not the only one who feels that way.
OR, you even might've dumped him after that one night, if you'd only been dating a week or two. Correct? I would have.
Those were the kinds of things that came up with J and I (and have definitely been sorted out. He NO LONGER pulls crap like that) when we had been dating a while. It was upsetting, but workable.
Unacceptable is unacceptable. I'm not talking about small stuff. Abuse, Lying, cheating. Please allow for my experience of my ex being Mr. Milktoast BEFORE we were married, and becoming the raging bull AFTER we were married. Obvious things like that popping up after the wedding and yes, I'm OUTTA there. I won't spend another DAY of my life sweating over someone else's psychotic behavior. I I was with someone and they went into a rage at me, hit me, disregarded my feelings...yes I'd be out the door.
I will say, there have been things with Trav that I've had to think over and decide if I liked him enough or not to deal with them. Some things, after I thought them over, didn't bother me like I thought they would. An example: He's very...adventurous...in and out of bed. I was in a very conservative church, lifestyle, relationship for most of my life. Even though I'm pretty liberal now,I hadn't even thought about some of the things he suggested. Once I DID think about it...it's all good. Seeing his attitude about it was a revelation of sorts. It's just fun between two consenting adults. But at first, I didn't know what I thought about it.
So, I'm not implying that everything has to be perfect. I think I can expect the unexpected with Trav...and that's ok with me. I don't really want to domesticate him...LOL.
If it comes to issues of TRUST! Fidelity, honesty...that's a whole nother ball of wax. Or if he ever put me down or hurt me.
And of course, if I didn't have trust in him and know he would never hurt me, I wouldn't still be seeing him after 9 months.
Oh definitely, if he did that in our first two weeks of dating, I would probably have not seen him again.
Yes, I agree. That one is a HUGE problem for me as well. But because I haven't dealt with it like you
And the more time you spend with someone, the more you have invested yourself in that relationship and your degrees of unacceptability will swing on that spectrum.
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