Tell me I'm not crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tell me I'm not crazy!
8
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 7:32pm
Here I am on this board, read it everyday, but have no urge whatsoever to date!!!! I've been separated since Dec. 06 and divorced since May 07. I feel like it was yesterday. I've been in counseling ever since and I'm working my rear end off trying to focus on me and my kids. I'm still living in our marital home, trying to sell it for the last year to no avail. I'm not settled. I've had some changes that affect me directly within my job...and heath problems to boot! So, I'm rational enough to know that I'm in no position to give of myself to anyone. I'm focusing on me. But...please tell me that this desire to BE with someone again will come back. I think about wanting company in bed (not sexually) and I actually like sharing my bed with my dogs! I don't miss sex at all and actually have only had sex once in June and it was horrible!!! Where did my libido go?? PLease someone, tell me that this will all come back. My friends say date...it can't hurt. Just keep it casual and focus on having fun. If nothing else it gives me a night out. But, even that I have no desire for. I'm just as content laying on my couch and watching tv. I'm trying to be more social with the few friends I do have left and think of THAT as a good start. I barely have the desire to even pick up the phone and call anyone! I cringe sometimes when I look at caller id and know it's a friend. Just chit chatting annoys me sometimes! My ex has a girlfriend and part of me says why is he allowed to be happy and I can't even get motivated to go have a drink with a good looking man?! Am I missing something here or is this normal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 7:46pm

To be completely honest--I was like this for a long time after I had my son (you may remember a recent post--I was datless (and sexless) for 7 years!)

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:25pm
I kind of agree with April. The first part of your post sounded like normal post divorce blues and you adjusting to a very different existence. Sometimes we go inward before we can head back out. But then - if you are avoiding contact from friends and family and just dont want to interact and the idea is exhausting to you, that sounds a bit like depression to me. April was very smart to get more active and use her gym membership. The fact is, if you stay still long enough and live with even minimal depression for a long enough period you will pull your brain out of whack in how it interprets basic emotions. I went through this after my mom's death. It was hard on me and I just wasnt feeling things the same way - I stayed down too long and before I knew it things that used to bring me huge joy just made me smile somewhat and I had days where I didnt want to get up out of bed at all if my son wasnt there. I tried a mild antidepressant and while that may work for some, it made me incapable of orgasm ( hello?) even on my own (HELLO?) and when I was doing what I do for a living on stage ( violinist) I felt literally NOTHING in terms of adrenalin so I sounded horrible and the reviews showed it. HORRIBLE. So I started doing yoga and running to raise the endorphins and it worked. It took a few weeks but I wanted to do more things outside the house and my basic reactions to things started seeming more normal to me. I also ate better and avoided foods that made me sleepy like starches and carbs sometimes do in my case. I did more fruits and veggies and proteins. I lost weight and looked better and although I didnt do it for that reason it was certainly a nice side effect.
Maybe you are just going through the post divorce blues and maybe it is more but my advice would be to start being more active and try and shift your body back. Even if you do it slowly I think it is important for you. And I think you writing this post was a great start to getting back to your old self. You are not crazy! You are smart to be reaching out and asking for others to give you some feedback...
All my best...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:15pm
Thank you so much ladies!! After rereading my post I can totally see how you would think that I was depressed and I'm sure there is some of that, but better described as blues. Unfortunately (at times) for me, I'm a clinical social worker and despite this, try to not overanalyze myself. But it's tough not to. I do keep in touch with family and friends but I guess it's to more check in or chit chat. I was always the one that everyone went to for every little thing. And although I've told everyone that I can not be that for them now...it seems with some it's just misery loves company. That just brings me down. So I definitely avoid those people. Take for example a friend of mine I hadn't talked to in a while. I called her yesterday to check in and say hi. I ended up on the phone with her for an hour as she cried about her boyfriend. I felt like I was in high school again and I just can't do that anymore. I guess that's what I mean more. I have several friends I will talk to everyday and talk to my parents everyday. I'm also in therapy and have been since last summer. I guess what concerned me the most was my lack of interest in dating and having any kind of love life or companionship. i'm waiting to move but when I do I have planned already to join a new synagogue and begin dancing lessons. I have a lot I'm looking forward to
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:38pm
I am reassured having read that last post. I dont blame you for not wanting to be "on call" for everyone at this time. It is perfectly normal for this time to be about you and getting back to center. You cant do that effectively if you are solving everyone else's problems.
I also think it is completely within reason that you are not interested in dating quite yet. Certainly if you find yourself going out with friends or have a whim to meet for coffee with someone new, I would deny yourself these simple pleasures just because you arent ready for Mr Soulmate. Some of my best friends were met during a time where I wasnt ready for Mr Soulmate so I am glad I was still out there and staying active. But I think you will know in your heart when you are ready to re enter the dating field in earnest. Just off the top of my head I think I knew I was ready because I was more charmed when I saw couples that were friends of mine and felt a bit envious of their connection, felt more flirtatious on a regular basis and started just noticing men in a different way in general again.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 12:08pm

It is very possible that you just haven't met the right person!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 12:18pm
This is true - meeting the right person puts in a spark. But it is also okay to just chill and get your life in order at your own pace and not worry about dating. Dating is not always fun and is not the be-all end-all that many think it should be - it takes confidence and strength to make the right decisions - and it takes time and energy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 6:18pm

I think you are totally nomal.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 8:51pm
I didn't date for two years after my separation and even now and again, I just shut myself out to the world. Like you, even answering the phone or calling anyone back was ignored. I am actually doing that now. I do have my friends but most days I have to force myself to want to meet up with them, like I did on Friday night. As far as being with someone, yes, I really want to but going through all the energy of it, drains me and keeps me from really