telling daughters dad about new guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
telling daughters dad about new guy
15
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:06pm
hope this doesnt get to long. I would like to know someones opinion. I was with a guy for 3 yrs and ended up having a beautiful baby girl. I kicked him out after she was 2 months old because he wouldnt give up pot. He has since quit at least while he has our daughter. About 4 months after i kicked him out i met a great guy. I know it seems soon but i was over my ex before i kicked him out. anyway so about a month into the new relationship my ex wanted to work things out and have a family. I told new relationship i needed some time and went out with my ex a couple times and decided its not what I wanted and i went back to new relationship. Now during all this I have been working with my lawywer on custody and child support. Every time my ex and i would fight he would bring our daughter into things. say stuff like she has more fun with him and that sort of thing. Well i didnt tell him about new relationship for fear that he would give me a hard time and use my daughter to get to me. Now the papers are signed i feel like my worry would go away and i could move forward. I feel like i need to tell him that i am serious with someone. I feel like i have to do this so i dont have to think about it. I just wish i could be the type of person who for once didnt make my life revolve around how i make someone else feel.I need to do this but i dont want to hear what a b**** i am and get screamed at. I am at least glad that he cant be mad at me and try to get my daughter more or put off child support longer which is why i waited telling him. uh i just need someone's advice or hear from someone in this situation.

thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:47pm
I don't think you should tell the daughter's dad about the new guy until:

1) the dust settles from the break up and custody/child support battle. NOTE: this can take YEARS!!

2) You have a ring and a commitment from the new guy.

You need to keep your private life private. And you need to learn to manage the ex/daughter's dad so that you encourage their relationship and so that he has minimal stress and keeps paying child support.

I paid $100 per hour to learn this. And I have to say that this advice has served me well for 4 years now.

Good luck to you!! Keep the lips sealed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:03am
I agree. Please don't tell your daughter's dad about the new guy. I dated someone shortly after I seperated from my ex husband. I was head over heels in love this guy. We talked about getting married. I had the urge to tell my ex. I'm so glad I didn't. It wasn't worth it. I eventually split from this guy and my ex definitely would have held it against me.

My ex husband has taken me to court several times over custody issues (even after having the custody order). I hope he has lost steam. It has been over a year since he has taken me to court, but you never know.

Keep your private life, private. Don't give your daughter's father any ammunition to use against you. Tell him you don't want a relationship with him and leave it at that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:26am
my only thing is living while hiding something. this doesnt seem healthy. I also love that he is in my daughters life. if i am constantly hiding the new guy(who i have been with for 6 months) I really am not giving him a fair chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:35am
You are not hiding him. You are simply not calling the ex and telling him about him. WHY? Because it is NONE of his business, at all.

I don't know if you mentioned how old your daughter is or not, but if she is spending any time with this new guy - your ex already knows about him through her.

Besides that - leave it alone. It's not living a secret life - it's keeping your private business private.

We're not advising you to sneak around. We are advising you that this is none of his business and therefore there is no need for you to tell him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:22pm
yea i suppose i am just worrying for no good reason. I just dont want anyone to get hurt. I feel kinda bad for him and i am moving on and he calls and asks me if i think about him and i dont really answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:24pm
I just posted about my 4 year old accidently meeting my boyfriend of one year. After it happened, I did call my ex and told him. I called him because I'd rather he hear about it from me than from her, since we had previously agreed that we would give each other a heads up and discuss how we felt meeting a new person might affect dd. My ex didn't take it very well, although he knew about my boyfriend, he wasn't prepared for them meeting. I believe I did the right thing, because he would have been more upset if he'd heard it from dd.

How old is your dd and how long have you been seeing this guy? If your dd is old enough to be talking about your new guy, then I'd mention it to him so he knows there is another person in dd's life. If not, then I'd say it's okay to wait and he doesn't need to know and might feel like you are throwing it in his face. In general though, I believe parents have the right to know who is spending time with their children. Ex's don't have the right to say you can or can't have someone else in your life, but they should be allowed to know what is happening. The key for you is how your ex is going to take the news. If it's going to be a huge issue, and he doesn't have any other way of knowing about the relationship, then I'd hold off as long as I could. If you do tell him, keep the details to yourself, just let him know you are seeing someone and it's serious and no more than that (of course, you can answer questions like how often he is there, what you know about his background, ie he's not a criminal, things like that to make the ex feel better about the situation your dd is in).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:31pm
Ex and his feelings as far as your relationship with your new guy is really none of your concern.

Whenever my ex pulled that crap with me (which he did) - I simply told him "I don't see how that pertains to our son, and I don't think my thoughts and feelings are any of your concern anymore."

I drew VERY clear boundaries with him. And it worked very well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:02pm
You definitely need to set the boundaries. Whenever he starts asking questions like...do you think of me? Nip it in the bud! Tell him that it's over between the two of you. No, you don't think of him that way and you wish he'd move on. I had to do this with my ex husband. I constantly had to remind him that our relationship was over. Our lives are separate now. And, he needs to focus his attention on our son and not me.

5 yrs later, I think it's finally sinking in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:13pm
she is 10 months old
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:25pm
Hi

I am going to (once again, ha!) be the voice of dissent here. I DO think you owe it to your ex to let him know this guy is in your dd's life. If you weren't serious about the guy and you didn't already introduce him to your dd that would be different. I know from being on the other end, my ex let me hear it from the kids. I didn't like that one bit. And knowing that all his time with our kids was spent with him and his gf or fiance really rubbed me the wrong way.

I think it's mutual respect that you have to have when you're parenting once this new person is a part of your child's life, you tell the ex. You don't have to discuss details or answer any questions that make you uncomfortable. Just let him know that "so and so" and you have been dating for several months and if he happens to hear your dd mention "so and so", that's why. You may also (I find you have to treat men like kids.) want to reassure him that he will always be dd's father and that "so and so" isn't trying to replace him, but since he is now a big part of your life he will also be a part of your dd's life and you wanted him to be aware. something simple like that.

Hugs and good luck with your new relationship! And your darling baby!

Tara

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