telling daughters dad about new guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
telling daughters dad about new guy
15
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:06pm
hope this doesnt get to long. I would like to know someones opinion. I was with a guy for 3 yrs and ended up having a beautiful baby girl. I kicked him out after she was 2 months old because he wouldnt give up pot. He has since quit at least while he has our daughter. About 4 months after i kicked him out i met a great guy. I know it seems soon but i was over my ex before i kicked him out. anyway so about a month into the new relationship my ex wanted to work things out and have a family. I told new relationship i needed some time and went out with my ex a couple times and decided its not what I wanted and i went back to new relationship. Now during all this I have been working with my lawywer on custody and child support. Every time my ex and i would fight he would bring our daughter into things. say stuff like she has more fun with him and that sort of thing. Well i didnt tell him about new relationship for fear that he would give me a hard time and use my daughter to get to me. Now the papers are signed i feel like my worry would go away and i could move forward. I feel like i need to tell him that i am serious with someone. I feel like i have to do this so i dont have to think about it. I just wish i could be the type of person who for once didnt make my life revolve around how i make someone else feel.I need to do this but i dont want to hear what a b**** i am and get screamed at. I am at least glad that he cant be mad at me and try to get my daughter more or put off child support longer which is why i waited telling him. uh i just need someone's advice or hear from someone in this situation.

thank you

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:28pm
All I can add is that my exh is a pain in the butt, and I have learned over the years to keep my mouth shut. The more he knows the stupider he acts. He never even knew about this last boyfriend, neither did my kids. No harm done. But my exh is the type that would hate anyone I dated, even if they were Tom Cruise, just because. He didn't want me, but he doesn't want to see me with anyone else either. It's a tough call. Try to make your life easier. You know how your exh could react. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:18pm
"The more he knows the stupider he acts."

THAT is the quote for the day regarding exes. Bravo to you!! Although I know this knowledge is born of pain!! You got a good laugh from me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:25pm
Time helps. My ex was an absolute Bast**** in the beginning. When I started to date, he wanted abolutely NO knowledge of it, yet he thought it was ok to jump to conclusions and assume terrible things about my dates. He wanted NO details about my new life with SO whatsoever. Ofcourse, I wouldn't volunteer much detail anyway, but when on the rare occasion that I would try, in order to put his mind at ease, he would put up the hand and say "don't wanna hear it!"

HOWEVER, he finds it acceptable and almost necessary to tell me everything at all possible about his social life. hmmmmm....

It took 2 years (3 since the divorce) for ex to finally start warming up to the idea that I had another man in my life now. I think this passed summer ex and SO actually exchanged pleasant small talk.for the first time. And ex is beginning to be more open to stories dd tells him about our homelife that involve SO and the kids. He even offerred to dogsit for us (my dog and SO's dog) while we go to California for Christmas. I was in shock!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:06am
>>>You may also (I find you have to treat men like kids.) want to reassure him that he will always be dd's father and that "so and so" isn't trying to replace him...<<<

So very true.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:31pm
Well, really it IS none of his business WHO you date. Those who say that your ex has a right to know who is spending time with his daughter, well I disagree- for the reason alone that you shouldn't be handing over a list of all those who may or may not meet your kid, make sense? You should both be trusting that ANYONE brought around your child will be an honest person.

I think that what you SHOULD do though, is talk to your ex about some guidelines BOTH of you can follow when it comes to your child. You don't want to be telling your ex every time you go out on a date with someone, or get a new guy. What you do want to do is talk about the fact that you will be dating and expect that he will be as well. Talking with him about behaviour and appropriateness of actions around your daughter are good subjects to broach. I know your daughter is quite young right now, but she will be getting older and more aware of her surroundings.

Talking about what you expect with each other is better now than when a big issue comes up. I've known guys who allow their girlfriends to sleep in the same bed when the kid visits. I've known guys who watch porn movies when their kids visit.

Now, to dispel your fear, your ex cannot try to get your daughter more if you're dating someone, nor can he try to pay less child support if you're dating someone. As long as you're not neglecting your daughter, you can date as many guys as you want. You can move in with someone and again, he cannot get more custody or pay less support only based on that.

I think too that you need to set some firm guidelines with your ex on contact. If he calls you, it should not be to ask about your life and if you miss him. It should only be to talk about your daughter. The more buddy-buddy you are, the more likely he'll hold on to the hope that you're thinking of him and may get back together.

But I wouldn't bring up the ACTUAL person you're seeing unless he asks about it. And then you just say, "yes, I am dating someone." He needs nothing further.

Good luck

Alison

Photobucket

Pages