Telling the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Telling the kids
25
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:08pm

I wish I had seen this board a year ago, maybe things would be different, not that I would have taken the advice back then. My bf, after over a year living together, has decided he needs to take a step back and think about what he wants out of life before we proceed into "forever". His best friends are on the brink in their marriages, both of less than a year. He has never fully gotten over his xf as she appears and dissappears from his life (they dated 4.5 years broke up almost three years ago). SHe is recently back in his life via phone and email. He doesn't hide that he talks to her. It didn't bother me until he said he was moving. He is confused over loving me and the kids to working out his unresolved feelings for her. Doesn't want to make the same mistake his friends are making without resolving his past. SHe lives two hours away and he hasn't seen her face to face since they broke up. OK, those excuses being said:

WE have to tell the kids (11,11 and 13) that he is moving out. He says he will still be active in our lives, wants to keep seeing me and them, just needs some time alone to sort things through. If it were just me, I'd close the door on the relationship until he was really emotionally healed,wether it takes 6 months or two years...I can't ask that of the kids, can I? He has been like a stepdad to them, even more loving and attentive to them then their dad is. One of my boys is like his clone and I know he is going to be the most affected by this.

How do I explain to them he loves them, but can't be with us right now? I was married 14 years, seperated three and divorced almost two years and have 50/50 shared custody as it was best for the kids. I have never brought anyone else I dated into their lives before. He is not their dad so I can't give him 50/50 or even a day with the kids.

He was, is, the one I want to spend my "forever" with but having a realist inside my dreamer, I feel it will be to long and too late by the time he figures it out.

Any advise?
Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:14pm

Hi...welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds very difficult.


It's like a separation or divorce you're going through, really, except with no legal status.


I would support you if you decide to cut off contact. You're not married, he doesn't have any legal standing as far as your kids are concerned. But it's up to you what is best for your kids. It's YOUR decision. You can even ask the kids their opinion...


If he wants to be free to wander in and out of your life, then I wouldn't give him the same privileges you might give someone who is willing to commit to sharing your life.


Just my opinion. It's a tough thing to figure out.


Again, welcome


Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:25pm

I didn't read any responses yet....so I may be repeating something.


It's going to be hard to tell the kids, but I bet they will take it well....better than you in fact.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:31pm

Thank you candi for taking time to respond. What I DON'T want is a man who is going to be "coming and going". I've made that clear to him. If he decides to date other women while sorting things out, I would not be a part of it. My heart breaks so bad for the kids that they will have no contact with a man they have come to consider like a father to them and I don't know how to begin the conversation then the subsequent healing process.
There is no set date yet when he is moving although I have in my mind he must go and WE must get on with it before the end of March. We are going across country for a trip mid-March. He is in the process of looking for a place. Things here are very normal. I even forget sometimes he is going. I believe he loves me and the kids. I don't believe he can fake his emotions. He doesn't have to stay, or be active, or even come home at night anymore, but he does and I believe it is because he cares so much. I wish he were being more of a jerk! I want to hold on to the "I'm doing this to make us stronger" line, but my head says otherwise.

I ask my children their opinions all the time. We have a very open relationship, one I never had with my folks. We even discussed his moving in with them before he did to be sure it was ok. I want to tell them as soon as possible so they have time to get used to the idea and see that he is still him, still cares and that his leaving has nothing to do with them. Any thoughts on an opening line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:40pm

First of all, hugs to you - this is so heartbreaking - it made me sad to read your story. I also want to offer encouragement. Many times a man needs to lose something to realize what he had. I don't know why, but all men I have seen seem to work that way.

At any rate, I strongly recommend cutting off ALL contact with him until:

1) He figures out he wants to spend the rest of his life with you
2) You meet someone else and don't have feelings for him

The kids will be okay - kids bounce back so fast. I think they will be more affected by how this affects you. And you are not going to be okay if he is "in and out" of your life. It will make you hang onto hope and keep you from meeting someone else. It will also keep him from realizing what he has with you. That is really your only hope in my opinion.

I would explain to the children that he is exploring other possibilities with his life. He loves them and there is nothing they have done to cause him to leave. But life is full of opportunities and possibilities and he has to explore one. He is not coming back for a while. And you don't know when and if that will be.

Life is not perfect. We have to explain things to our kids so they will understand. And they learn from us by watching us deal with life's challenges. They will respect you to respect yourself. You have to come first because you are the captain of your ship.

I wish you well. Every cloud has a silver lining - and I do think this one will be no exception for you.

Okay - so now that you have found our board - you have to stay here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:46pm

"Any thoughts on an opening line?"

Sit down, I have something to tell you. (And then you tell them.) It it was me, I would emphasize that they will be okay. They are lucky to have had him in their life. They will have many more special people in their life because they are special kids.

I would be inclined to hurry him along if this is his decision. That is not fair to you to have to wait. But that is just my opinion. Put a little fire in you, girl!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:52pm
I'm so, so sorry...I hear you...if it weren't for the kids, you wouldn't talk to him anymore, but...the kids are very involved. It's just like a divorce for them. They are young enough to think that they are being rejected once again. Check out some divorce books and read what they say about telling the kids. I think the best way to deliver the news is for you and STBX to practice what you're going to say to the kids and really let him do most of the talking. It will be all talk if he doesn't follow through with maintaining their relationship.
In your shoes, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. I would permit him to pick up the kids and take them to pizza or whatever it is that they do together, but I wouldn't join in and play family. It sounds suspiciously like an emotional affair that he's having wtih his ex. No need for him to be 'torn' or for you to be the other woman- take yourself out of the picture.
By the way...think about what YOU want from this trial separation or this space he needs...will you take him back after six months of dating her?? Will you be dating during this time? Is this a don't ask, don't tell period? What are your limits? How long will you put your life on hold?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:55pm

Thank you all so much, Candi, Kim and West. It feels good to be here and thank you for inviting me to stay and for the support! :-)

You are all right. He needs to be cut off completly. The fortunate thing is the kids are here Wed-Sun and have busy lives, so they aren't seven day focused on him. I have Sun-Tuesday to break down and sort my feelings if I need to and not infront of them. When we went through the divorce, the kids and I became a "TEAM". It has helped us through a lot. Also, nicer weather is on the way, so we can be busy bees and it won't cost much. I had this apt first, so I know I can do it financially, we'll just have to cut back abit. They'll understand that. I hope!

I hope you all are right that they will bounce back quickly. Their dad didn't like my bf from the start and said a lot of mean things about him in the beginning,(jealousy only, didn't know him and no basis for his comments) I am afraid he may start that up again, but I know, I can't control that and just have to show them strength and truism.

Thank you West for your suggestions on having the talk. I like the way it sounded, but brought tears to my eyes thinking of when the time comes to actually say these things.

As for meeting someone else, I'm not sure I will want to pursue that until the kids are moved out, but I won't close the door on that because of love lost...

AGain, many thanks and I'm very glad I'm here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:06pm

I think the kids will surprise you!!

When I sat my 4 year old down to explain that mommy and daddy were going to live in separate houses, ds asked me, "well, which car are we going to drive?"

I thought my exh was going to jump out of his skin - he didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. I was thinking, now that is my boy!! I will never forget that.

Be strong. Don't worry about any bf for now. But you won't wait until those kids are grown. A better one could be right around the corner and you will be glad this non-committal dodo is gone.

IT IS HIS LOSS!!

Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:07pm

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What I want is to refocus on myself and my children. He has reminded me I need to get them to do more, learn more, ie making their own beds, do dishes, laundry etc. He is right, I have done all for them, maybe overcompensating for the divorce. I need to get back to doing hobbies, meeting friends, things I sort of pushed aside as alot of us do when in an early relationship. These things I feel will make us all stronger.

No, I will not take him back if he goes right back to her. I will never know then if his feelings for her were over, or if he would let her manipulate him again down the road. As for if he "dates" others, I think that would be healthy for him, explore other relationships to see what he has, what he's had and what it is he is looking for. That I think I could handle if it opened him up to emotional reality, not pineing away for the past.

However, I told him, and I know him to be honest, that if this does happen, I don't want to know, I can't be a part if it, knowing he is with someone else and let him be with me. No way. I don't plan on putting my life on hold for anyone. I've been through three years of counseling (thankfully) to get comfortable in my own skin, which is what is helping me deal with this best I can. I will not go out in search of someone just to ease the pain, that's not fair to another, but I will keep my options open.

I can see him taking them out for pizza down the street, lol. A nice image, thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:10pm

"I can see him taking them out for pizza down the street, lol. A nice image, thanks"

I don't necessarily agree with this. BECAUSE he might do it once or twice and then he will not keep up with it. They will have expectations he should do it more and they could be hurt again.

I think you should make a clean sweep. NO MORE - DONE.

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