Telling the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Telling the kids
25
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:08pm

I wish I had seen this board a year ago, maybe things would be different, not that I would have taken the advice back then. My bf, after over a year living together, has decided he needs to take a step back and think about what he wants out of life before we proceed into "forever". His best friends are on the brink in their marriages, both of less than a year. He has never fully gotten over his xf as she appears and dissappears from his life (they dated 4.5 years broke up almost three years ago). SHe is recently back in his life via phone and email. He doesn't hide that he talks to her. It didn't bother me until he said he was moving. He is confused over loving me and the kids to working out his unresolved feelings for her. Doesn't want to make the same mistake his friends are making without resolving his past. SHe lives two hours away and he hasn't seen her face to face since they broke up. OK, those excuses being said:

WE have to tell the kids (11,11 and 13) that he is moving out. He says he will still be active in our lives, wants to keep seeing me and them, just needs some time alone to sort things through. If it were just me, I'd close the door on the relationship until he was really emotionally healed,wether it takes 6 months or two years...I can't ask that of the kids, can I? He has been like a stepdad to them, even more loving and attentive to them then their dad is. One of my boys is like his clone and I know he is going to be the most affected by this.

How do I explain to them he loves them, but can't be with us right now? I was married 14 years, seperated three and divorced almost two years and have 50/50 shared custody as it was best for the kids. I have never brought anyone else I dated into their lives before. He is not their dad so I can't give him 50/50 or even a day with the kids.

He was, is, the one I want to spend my "forever" with but having a realist inside my dreamer, I feel it will be to long and too late by the time he figures it out.

Any advise?
Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:10pm

DODO, I like that, lol.

And yes, it is his loss and unfortunatly for him, he will come to realize that too little too late.

Sounds like you got a great little man with you to help you! Gotta give them more hugs for all the smiles they do indeed bring!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:14pm

You are right. Although I may like to see him take them out once or twice, it would only be if they wanted to, and not right away. Nothing committal, like once a week. Maybe just sometimes to catch up.

And a previous post that said he shouldn't be able to have me, the kids and his xf is a fact. That is way too much cake!

Clean Sweep...thanks for the reminder

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:40pm

So are we!


Set your boundaries with the DODO and he can just live with it. And with any new guys...be strong.


I decided earlier this year I am tired of men who want to "play" with my life. From now on, either they're IN or they're OUT!


:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:54pm
Amen to this post, sistuh. If only we had ALL learned this lesson sooner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:23pm


You gals are the best! Was sitting here feeling bad about it all, then after hearing you out I got out of my sweats, took a shower, and dabbed a bit o' perfume on meself! hee hee. When he gets home, he'll know I'm already on my way!

Bless us all,
Amen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:13pm

I'm posting a little late. I agree with cutting off ties with him. Really, ending things now is best for your kids. He might be making big promises of staying in touch etc..., but the reality is that he will most likely flake out and let your kids down. He won't be reliable for them.

The last guy I dated (never met my son), but when we ended things he said he was really confused and just needed some time. His story was that he didn't want to date anyone and needed some time to think, but stay friends with me. I think his ex gf was in the picture. He was crazy about her and I know she contacted him a few weeks before our relationship soured.

Turns out that less than 2 weeks after we broke up, I saw him listed on Match.com. I wasn't even looking for him but there he was.

I say all of that to say this....when a guy gives you the "i need time and space" line, he really means....I need you as a crutch until I get back on my feet and have moved on to some other woman. You don't want your kids to suffer from his empty promises. Good-bye and he can make it without any of your emotional support. Get him out of your house ASAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:40pm

My STBX were both on match before we dated, met at work, laughed about online dating and even gave each other dating tips. It was after going out with friends, etc we realized we both wanted the same thing....at least back then. It took him some time to take his profile off line though. Said he had forgotten about it?? yeah, ok lol

I won't be too surprised if he isn't back on there even sooner than your ex !

I am doing my best not to be his crutch. It's hard, but with all you great ladies, I'll get there. My kids come first.

I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:26pm

Have only read one or two responses, but wanted to give you my "gut reaction" to your post before reading more.


First I wanted to say, I am ALSO sorry you didn't find us a year ago. But eh, life happens, stuff happens and we ALL, every single one of us, make the best choices we can for us and our kids in the moment. No point in living in regret. Just wanted to encourage you in that. Your kiddos got some great support from a good male figure. This will be hard on them, no doubt about it, but there's been a lot of good done too. I think you have to focus on that.


Second, big BIG hugs to you as you go through this.


My person opinion is like the first two. I really think that at this point, you need to cut off communication from him. You do communicate to your children that you aren't receiving the commitment from him that you need to sustain a great family life and for the time being he needs to sort some things out. You don't KNOW that you'll end up together and so you are instead going to focus on yourself, and your immediate family (you and the kids) and you'll all be able to support one another. Personally, I think that they are at an age where they need to know that. And also know that yes, he does love them, but he isn't ready to commit to being a step parent. That's a bummer. They'll be sad to hear it. But you also can't cover for anyone to protect your children. They deserve the truth.


And YOU deserve to be free in your family. Either you get commitments from this guy or you let him go. You won't be able to truly depend on him anyway, as he isn't willing to make the real commitment. So, you'll be wondering in the back of your mind if you can trust him with your kids' hearts. You know what I am saying? I think you need to take care of you and the kids FULLY until you find a man (maybe him some day, though in all honesty it sounds like he doesn't have what YOU need in the way of family commitment)

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:42pm

Nothing committal, like once a week. Maybe just sometimes to catch up.Nothing committal, like once a week. Maybe just sometimes to catch up.


Something to think about:


If it's not good for us GIRLS to see an ex once in awhile, on a non-committal basis, "just to catch up" then why is it ok for our kids to see our ex'es that way (unless of course they are truly committed bio-parents or step parents for quite a long time and do need to be in their lives). I know it's sad that they have to "move on" because that's what you have to do. But I would think that would be the most emotionally healthy thing for them in the long run.


What do you think? I think this is a VERY interesting conversation.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:55pm

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I understand what you're saying, just not sure how I feel about that one. I don't see a problem with catching up with him, myself, on a casual basis. Not on an intimate basis. I have loved and shared with him and not sure I can cut cold turkey. I know it's advised, but possible? Only time will tell.

The kids have a different relationship with him, though. He has been a very positive influence in their lives for the past year. Has done things, taught them things that even their dad doesn't do. ie, attends ball games, teaches about cars, cuts hair, helps with homework, helps make costumes and projects for school,puzzles, games, etc. (see why I love him so?)

Is it really wrong or hurtful to want him to remain a "big brother" type even if OUR relationship is over? I know there is the possibility he will fade out, or not be able to continue once he starts, but if it is not regular, and kept casual, isn't that better than no contact for them at all?

I'm confused, concerned and very open to opinions. Thanks