Telling the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Telling the kids
25
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:08pm

I wish I had seen this board a year ago, maybe things would be different, not that I would have taken the advice back then. My bf, after over a year living together, has decided he needs to take a step back and think about what he wants out of life before we proceed into "forever". His best friends are on the brink in their marriages, both of less than a year. He has never fully gotten over his xf as she appears and dissappears from his life (they dated 4.5 years broke up almost three years ago). SHe is recently back in his life via phone and email. He doesn't hide that he talks to her. It didn't bother me until he said he was moving. He is confused over loving me and the kids to working out his unresolved feelings for her. Doesn't want to make the same mistake his friends are making without resolving his past. SHe lives two hours away and he hasn't seen her face to face since they broke up. OK, those excuses being said:

WE have to tell the kids (11,11 and 13) that he is moving out. He says he will still be active in our lives, wants to keep seeing me and them, just needs some time alone to sort things through. If it were just me, I'd close the door on the relationship until he was really emotionally healed,wether it takes 6 months or two years...I can't ask that of the kids, can I? He has been like a stepdad to them, even more loving and attentive to them then their dad is. One of my boys is like his clone and I know he is going to be the most affected by this.

How do I explain to them he loves them, but can't be with us right now? I was married 14 years, seperated three and divorced almost two years and have 50/50 shared custody as it was best for the kids. I have never brought anyone else I dated into their lives before. He is not their dad so I can't give him 50/50 or even a day with the kids.

He was, is, the one I want to spend my "forever" with but having a realist inside my dreamer, I feel it will be to long and too late by the time he figures it out.

Any advise?
Thanks

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:01pm

You know, that IS a very personal decision. The standard answer is "yes, it's probably hurtful and it's not advised to ever have contact" but only you can know your own children and how they'll respond and YOURSELF and if you can move on if you contact him occasionally to keep up. Most people can't truly unless you cut all ties, but there are exceptions to every "rule".


Hugs. Just such hard stuff to deal with. Relationships are KILLER, but we are all desperate for them. I am reading a great book right now (in hopes of it helping me in many relationships including my marriage) called "Choice Therapy" that is fascinating in it's take on relationships and how almost all "woes" in peoples worlds are caused by a relationship of some kind. We're just so dependant.


Ok, going off on a tangent. Forgive me...

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:10pm

Hi and welcome to the board!

I read all the posts and I have a slightly different take than some, I hope I can remember all my thoughts.

Since you describe him as a step-father to them, I think you should treat this as a divorce. The problem with divorcing (or breaking up with) a step-parent (or parent figure) is that the children fear never seeing this person again. That is different than when you divorced their father, because they know their father will still be there and still loves them. When you break up with a father-figure, I think children are more likely to see that as a rejection of them (not that it is). Since you say you have a very open relationship with your children, then you can probably communicate to them that it's not about them. But it won't be as simple as telling them and having them accept it. They are going to have questions, and some questions might come months or years from now.

My ex's mom had live-in boyfriends when he was a pre-teen, and when they left it was devastating for him. I think it was more devastating because his father was not involved in his life at all. You said you have joint custody, so this man is not their primary father figure - he's an important one, but not the most important one. My guess is that after the break-up the children will still feel safe, secure and loved, and that makes a big difference. What I would do is keep your ears open for signs that the children are feeling hurt, and let them talk as openly as they want to (in a group or one on one). My mom recently read a book about trauma experienced in childhood (and IMHO losing a parental figure you are close to is traumatic), and the book basically said it's not the trauma that is damaging to the child, it's whether the trauma is acknowledged and whether the pain from the trauma is deemed to be okay (meaning the child can express his or her feelings and have them validated as real and important). So if your children (or one of your children) has an especially hard time dealing with your boyfriends departure, the key thing for you is letting them talk about their feelings and you reassuring them that it's okay to feel that way. I am sure that whatever pain they experience will lessen over time. It might be hard but not as hard as losing a bio parent.

As far as continued contact, I think it's best for you to make a clean break - for you. But it might not be best for the children. I would have a serious talk with him about what he thinks about continued contact. Whether he is serious about maintaining a relationship with them or just making promises so he doesn't have to feel bad is for you to judge. If the children accept he's leaving your lives then continued contact may not be necessary. But if they want to see him, or talk to him on the phone - and he's also willing to continue the relationships, then I would not force them to all be apart. What I have read about divorcing a step-parent says it's perfectly acceptable to let the step-parent and the child continue the relationship if that is what they both want. Although you weren't married, your situation is pretty close to that. If it were me, I'd go with what makes the children feel most comfortable, and then allow continued contact if the children want it and the ex-bf is serious about sticking around - but also recongize doing this might make it harder for you to move on. My gut says that their might be a couple times they want to see him and they go out for pizza or something and that after that they will be okay with him being out of the picture. It might be easier to have him 'ease' out of their lives than one day just be gone.

So that's my advice. None of this is black and white and their is no right answer. Your gut is your best guide right now.

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Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: shimie
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:26pm

Welcome to the board!
I am chiming in late, forgive me, I've been away.
I live with my SO and he is definitely considered my kids' step-father, we've been together for almost 4 years and living together for about 3. He sees the kids more than their own father does and is involved in their lives and has a very special relationship with both of them.

If we ever broke up, I don't know that I'd want to see him to "catch up" but I know he would want to and I would want him to continue to be a part of my kids' lives. Their relationship and love for him is a totally separate entity than my love for him and just because my love for him may have ended, that wouldn't mean their love would or vice versa. So I do think that he can continue and should continue to be a part of their lives if that is what he wants and you are comfortable with it.

HOWEVER, I would sit him down and talk to him about the ramifications if he does stay involved and then further down the line, he stops coming around to see them because he meets someone new or whatever. If he doesn't think he would always see them, he shouldn't keep seeing them from the break up. Granted, there are no guarantees but he should be able to make a committment in his heart to stay involved. Let's face it, in a divorce, very often the non-custodial parent remarries or moves further away and their involvement in their children's lives lessens. I don't think it hurts any more whether it's a biological parent or an adopted parent or someone who has become like a parent to the child.

P.S. I am sorry for your break-up, I know this has got to be very hard for you, the issue with the children aside. Hope you will keep posting!

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 7:09am

thank you for your honest insight. It is very confusing and until we tell them, I won't really know what to expect. I know it's been hard on me knowing he is leaving and he is not gone yet. He still acts like he's going to be around, calls me honey,dear,etc. But my female intuition says he is letting me down easy, that once he is packed and gone, he'll be gone.

My feelings for telling them a couple weeks before he goes is so they DON'T think he is moving because of them. I want them to feel his love until the day he goes. Now, that being said, It is my hope this will give them time to decide if they want to make a clean break of it themselves and move on, or if they want to maintain contact. I will be HONEST with them and let them know he may get busy and may not always be available to them, but that they still have their dad, and most importantly, they still have me and I love them.

I've never been a big fan of reading up on books, but I think I'll take a trip to the library or the local Boarders Book Store and see if any of the books you all talk about here seem to help.

I agree that if I let them justify their feelings they will be ok down the road. We will all have to heal together. I need to watch them and be sure they are not burying their feelings just to seem strong for me. They do that sometimes. They are very protective of me. Now it's my turn to watch them.

One thing I've learned, Until there is a commitment,ie engagement, marriage, I will never walk this road again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
In reply to: shimie
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 7:16am

Thanks T,

Yes, I am planning on talking to him tonight about having the talk with the kids tomorrow. He needs to sort out his feelings and wether he is going to commit to them or not. He had a dad who was in and out of his life and it is part of his commitment problem right now. He needs to realize he is either in or out, not both. By choosing either or, THAT is a commitment. To stay or to leave. This is going to be a real wake up call for him. He knows it will effect the kids, but he has pushed that out of his mind while walking around like all is well.

The angry in me says serves him right for false promises. I don't believe he believed we'd be in this situation but we are. I don't know if he'll get back with his xf and if she'll be as understanding about things as I FOOLISHLY was.

Yes, this is very hard. Thanks to you and all for the hugs. I can't believe how great you all are.......

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