Ten rules for dating the single mom...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Ten rules for dating the single mom...
20
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 5:42pm

In my reflection of heartbreaker and figuring out what I want to do about our newfound friendship I was looking through some old emails. I wrote this and posted it on Craigslist of all places, I just wanted to get it out there... he never saw it of course. I thought I'd share it with you all.. just thoughts in my head after thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong, listening to stupid wives complain about husbands and such...


Funny thing was my email EXPLODED from people thanking me for this post LOL.


10 Rules for dating the single mom...


1) Make sure she is financially stable. When I say this I do not mean that she has to be making 100k + I mean make sure that she is not wanting you just for a bigger house, or a nicer car. Two incomes make life much easier.. but income does not make a relationship. Just make sure she can pay her bills. The single mom just wants a loving partner in life just like anyone else.


2) Take it easy on her if the house isn't always in perfect order. Kids can be hard work and just the same as two incomes making life a bit easier.. so do two people helping out around the house.


3) If her 5 year old says to you "Are you going to marry my mommy?" No, this does not mean that they are starved for a father figure. No, this does not mean that the Mom is filling her kids full of fishing lines. This simply means that

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:06pm

Every situation is different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 12:12pm
My friend does this and her ex makes half of what she does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:04pm

I just think that the needs of the kids should come first and she (my college friend) shouldn't squander money on trips to Boston or shopping sprees and then not have any money for her kid to do stuff with money her ex already gives her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:23pm

Wow, Michelle..that is a great list! It is so well written and insightful Thanks for sharing it and creating it.


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:25pm

ITA with your additions.


Especially about not breaking plans last minute because our time IS precious. And if you are not sure you like kids..don't date us. Only fair to everyone!

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 2:04pm
Great list of rules!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 5:09pm

Totally agree Moon.We have the same written into our decree, though of course PB has never paid me back for his half of the extras. He even made S17 pay out of his own money for school fees this year. PB is supposed to pay for 80% of any medical bills and maintain health insurance for the kids. He makes WAAYYY more than I ever will, WAAYYYY more than most people ever will. Our boys had unusually high extracurricular expenses with music and swimming, being at a level that involved travel, even international travel for performances with this jazz program they were ( and S17 still is) involved with. I paid out of pocket for both boys to have their wisdom teeth out. PB insisted it was unnecessary, refused to reimburse me at all. S19 was getting headaches and his lower teeth were going way crooked, S17 had just gotten his braces off and his teeth would go crooked again if the wisdom teeth did not come out. PB's attorney was appalled.

So now I simply pay for what I want to, if PB wants S17 to continue private trombone lessons, travel with the jazz group, PB has to pay for it. I paid for the Europe trip for both boys, paid all the swim fees and travel for State championships, for the $100 high tech swim suits that are only good for 7 swims. I've paid all the co-pays on the doctor visits. I have decided I will cover D4's dance and if she wants to do it, swim team. Piano lessons are up to PB.

PB refused to pay the state minimum for CS, agreed to 2 more years of alimony rather than pay more CS. But at least he does pay the CS he agreed to regularly. My understanding was CS was to equalize the home environment between households, that my home environment would remain as it had been and not be way poorer than before, the kids would not be going from Mom's apartment to Dad's mansion.

And yes, one CANNOT withhold visitation due to the other parent: not paying CS, dating someone the other parent does not like, marrying someone the other parent objects to, the kid not doing his/her chores (that is a horrible thing to do IMO). If they try, all the parent with visitation has to do is call the local police/sheriff and they do try to enforce the decree. If the parent refusing to honor the decree is really a dork about it the officer can arrest them on custodial interference. Usually, their presence is enough. You at least get a report that can be admissable in court when you go back to change the visitation agreement and ask for more time.

All of us make assumptions on what should be allowed. It is surprising sometimes to find out how it really works and what rights you do and do not have.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 5:18pm

Oh QB, let's open a lovely bottle of wine and swap stories - want to? LOL!


What I REALLY love about the ex and his non-reimbursing ways is how he shows up and is SOOOOO proud of his daughters' accomplishments when if it weren't for me paying for the entire expense of their activities, they wouldn't be there at all!


Oh well, I don't really mean to vent, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 5:34pm

Why has your friend not gone back to the court with:
1. a request for more visitation (the kid is older now, he has more time now, he just wants more time)
2. a request that CS be re-evaluated as there has been changes in the financial situation?

He will need to have great records on his expenses for the child/children, his personal expenses. His X will be required to provide the same. Providing credit card statements, bank statements and taxes is usually the minimum. I think it is every 2 years one can revisit these issues. It is not unheard of for the mom to pay CS to the dad, have a friend here who has that arrangement.

CS is not intended to be punitive. It is to make sure the kids have reasonably equal home environments and both parents are taking responsibility for their kids. I'm sure it can seem that one is using CS for other things than direct costs for the kids. But unless one keeps the CS in a separate account and pay for kid items only from that account (have another friend who does that) there is no way to proove what the other parent is spending it on.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 8:45am

I have no idea why he doesn't say anything.

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