Test of a healthy relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Test of a healthy relationship?
22
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:18pm

Just some rambling thoughts...

It's hard to know if my relationship with my bf is ending or not. His depression over losing his son has gotten worse, and dating him is a lot like dating a bear in hybernation (he sleeps all the time). Last time he went through this he came out of it, and I expect he will this time (he got to see his son finally, and then he has to go through the pain of separation all over again). I expect he will come out of it and we will continue our relationship. But I can't know that for sure.

Anyway, I was thinking about it (a post on another board got me thinking) and I wonder if a test of a healthy relationship was how your self esteem holds up. Not all relationships work out and that's not bad. If you were in a healthy relationship you learned about relationships and about yourself, and it was a worthwhile experience no matter the outcome, right? I was thinking about this because someone on another board is having some self-esteem problems right at the same time she can't let go of an abusive relationship. I think they are connected. Staying in a bad relationship can cause self esteem problems. Failure to leave a bad relationship when the writing is all over the walls is a sign of an emotionally unhealthy person (not to knock being emotionally unhealthy, most everyone has been there at some point).

I feel a strong desire to sit back and see if my bf pulls himself through this latest struggle. Like I said, I think he will. I could just as easily say the relationship is not meeting my needs and walk away, but it's not meeting my needs because he's going through a crisis, and what he needs from me is to give him space and I'm okay with that for now. Him pulling away from me could also be a sign the end of the relationship is coming, and I have to face that possibilty. If it does end I will be sad, very sad, and disappointed. I still feel strong, independant, confident and my Plan B is solidly in place. I know I will be okay. I will always appreciate what my bf has done for me, he has taught me so much about living my life for me and about being a good parent. I laugh when I think about him going off a few weekends ago about the affect that Disney has on young girls by portraying all lead female characters as beautiful, busty, impossibly skinny and dressed overly sexy (he said this in concern for my dd because I had bought her another Disney video, although he does admire beautiful, sexy women himself... his comments are never condesending, and he has this way of expressing his opinion that is honest and I appreciate that). If the relationship was to be over, I will miss his advice and his guidance, and the awesome sex and his gorgeous body, and all the cuddling. But I will not feel like I can't go on, or that I am nothing without him. My strength as an individual has grown in the relationship, not suffered.

When I started going to therapy a year ago, my big question was, "What IS a healthy relationship? What does it look like, how can you tell if you are in one?" So is that it? Do I have the answer to my question? A healthy relationship is one where self esteem remains in tact, you grow as a person, you add something to each other's lives without taking something else away and you maintain your identity... and even if it ends, you mourn it's passing but are able to walk away holding on to the good memories?

Edited just a little.




Edited 2/9/2005 2:21 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:07am
No, my bf and I feel the same... we would be okay if we didn't have more children, but we each would like at least one more if we find the right person. I think I may have said recently that if I could just accept I won't have more children, then I would stop feeling any pressure to find someone to marry. I would love to have a child with my bf if we got married. He would also love to have more children, but it's impossible for him to think about that right now because he's overwhelmed with losing the one son he has. The other issues is my disease. I can have a healthy child, but it will take some serious medication management for me to get pregnant, and I could be in a lot of pain and see my disease progress by going off certain medications that I am on now in order to get pregnant and to throughout the pregnancy. My bf has some concerns about my disease and the chance that a child of mine could also get it, and although the risk of that is low, I have the same concerns myself. There is a lot to consider before we had children together, but we aren't even discussing those things at this point because we don't know if he's going to stay here.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:43am

Yep, I hear you on missing the male counterpart in this scenario! My most recent r'ship was with a man who just could NOT seem to empathize with my point of view on issues we had...it was his way or the highway. No flexibitility, no trying to meet in the middle.

I sometimes wonder how many single men in my age group are truly capable of this type of r'ship and I don't think it's a high number...nevertheless, it's what I want and I don't want to settle for less.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:53am

I think your plan of action is very good and very sound. I'm thinking of you. I'm sure this is a very difficult time for everyone involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:18pm
Thank you.

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Avatar for skippy1966
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:29pm
Sorry, but this is a fantasy! None of us are like this--this perfect. Everyone has issues, and truly don't believe anyone can have a relationship that is THAT healthy! A healthy relationship does not have to include every one of those things listed, although it would be nice, and although it would probably be "healthier" if both parties at least strove for those things. There are a few things in your post that my husband and I definitely DON'T share YET, but that does not mean that we are "unhealthy," just that we are not perfect. And that last line of the post suggests that you can't have a healthy relationship unless you can and do embrace and accept all of these points, and I find that to be unrealistic. JMO.


Edited 2/10/2005 2:38 pm ET ET by skippy1966
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:42pm

I disagree...I do know people who have r'ships that are like this...where both parties truly work to empathize with their partner's point of view and where both are open to being truly known and accepted by their partner. I don't see anything that's written in the description that requires "perfection"...I read it to say that it's the willingness to make the EFFORT to do the things mentioned in the article that makes a r'ship healthy.

Sheri

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:38am

Hey sweetie,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry your having to go through all this with your boyfriend. I can imagine it must be very very trying for you as well and I can also imagine that you are giving your all to be so supportive. I'm so happy that you are able to speak to your therapist about it and that you see things so clearly. I wish I had an answer, but I think Min was right and had the best advice and could really relate; unfortunately, I can't; sorry. Your thoughts and your posts were really great though and I thought it might just bring a new interesting thread here. Big hugs sweetheart!

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:02am
Thank you. I was questioning my decision to stay in the relationship and I think that is where the self-esteem thoughts came from, I was feeling that if I did walk away I would be just fine. Then my friend pointed out that what he's doing now (not calling, sleeping all the time) is like what he went through when his son initially moved... and that clicked with me, I don't think I had realized it before my friend said that. After sunshinemin's post and talking with my therapist, I feel like the right thing for me at this point is stick by him and I feel good about that decision for now. I saw him Wednesday night and I am even more sure that he hasn't just been blowing me off lately. My therapist does not always give him the benefit of the doubt, but he said when someone is in a depression the I describe my bf, he probably does want to call and just thinks he'll lay down for a minute and then 8 hours later he wakes up and he never called, he feels bad already and then worse for not calling, so he goes back to sleep. That makes so much sense because when he's like this and I'm with him, he says that exact thing, he says, "I'm just going to lay down for a minute" and I tell him that he knows that's not true, when he lays down (it could be right after breakfast) he'll sleep the rest of the day. My therapist points out there are lots of ways to cope with depression, and sleeping is a lot better than drinking. I know my bf will come out of it, he did before, it's so hard for him to go through this but he really is an emotionally strong person. I'm going to be patient and wait, but still keep my eye's wide open knowing there is no way I can make the relationship work if at some point he doesn't say he wants a future me and do things to work towards that.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:48am
Just to show your therapist is right: I sleep off my depressions. I can sleep for HOURS, I mean HOURS or days or weeks if I am depressed. It makes me deal better. I've done this all my life, especially as a teenager, my mom only remembers me in bed. It's not the greatest way, but rather that then be addictive, abusive or otherwise bad behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:00pm

It can never hurt to have another person validate something your therapist says. I think I lucked out finding him, I just picked him off a list from the insurance website. He has been invaluable to me this past year.

My bf told me before that his sleeping is due to depression, and my therapist thinks he may have always struggled with it. I can sleep a lot due to fatigue from my rheumatoid arthritis and when he started sleeping more (during the custody case) I could keep up with him. Right now it's out of control. He can sleep from Friday evening until Saturday afternoon, get up and eat, watch a movie with me, go back to bed and sleep until Sunday morning, eat breakfast, and then sleep the rest of the day. I like the way you described it, as sleeping off the depression. I think that description fits what he's doing too. Thank you.

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