Test of a healthy relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Test of a healthy relationship?
22
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:18pm

Just some rambling thoughts...

It's hard to know if my relationship with my bf is ending or not. His depression over losing his son has gotten worse, and dating him is a lot like dating a bear in hybernation (he sleeps all the time). Last time he went through this he came out of it, and I expect he will this time (he got to see his son finally, and then he has to go through the pain of separation all over again). I expect he will come out of it and we will continue our relationship. But I can't know that for sure.

Anyway, I was thinking about it (a post on another board got me thinking) and I wonder if a test of a healthy relationship was how your self esteem holds up. Not all relationships work out and that's not bad. If you were in a healthy relationship you learned about relationships and about yourself, and it was a worthwhile experience no matter the outcome, right? I was thinking about this because someone on another board is having some self-esteem problems right at the same time she can't let go of an abusive relationship. I think they are connected. Staying in a bad relationship can cause self esteem problems. Failure to leave a bad relationship when the writing is all over the walls is a sign of an emotionally unhealthy person (not to knock being emotionally unhealthy, most everyone has been there at some point).

I feel a strong desire to sit back and see if my bf pulls himself through this latest struggle. Like I said, I think he will. I could just as easily say the relationship is not meeting my needs and walk away, but it's not meeting my needs because he's going through a crisis, and what he needs from me is to give him space and I'm okay with that for now. Him pulling away from me could also be a sign the end of the relationship is coming, and I have to face that possibilty. If it does end I will be sad, very sad, and disappointed. I still feel strong, independant, confident and my Plan B is solidly in place. I know I will be okay. I will always appreciate what my bf has done for me, he has taught me so much about living my life for me and about being a good parent. I laugh when I think about him going off a few weekends ago about the affect that Disney has on young girls by portraying all lead female characters as beautiful, busty, impossibly skinny and dressed overly sexy (he said this in concern for my dd because I had bought her another Disney video, although he does admire beautiful, sexy women himself... his comments are never condesending, and he has this way of expressing his opinion that is honest and I appreciate that). If the relationship was to be over, I will miss his advice and his guidance, and the awesome sex and his gorgeous body, and all the cuddling. But I will not feel like I can't go on, or that I am nothing without him. My strength as an individual has grown in the relationship, not suffered.

When I started going to therapy a year ago, my big question was, "What IS a healthy relationship? What does it look like, how can you tell if you are in one?" So is that it? Do I have the answer to my question? A healthy relationship is one where self esteem remains in tact, you grow as a person, you add something to each other's lives without taking something else away and you maintain your identity... and even if it ends, you mourn it's passing but are able to walk away holding on to the good memories?

Edited just a little.




Edited 2/9/2005 2:21 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:16pm

I found this line quite profound and something none of us really think of while in a relationship.

"When it comes to showing we care, the Golden Rule is reversed. Rather than treating our partner as we wish to be treated, we need to treat them the way they want to be treated."

So often we get stuck in the treating others as we wish to be treated. I know thats been one of my downfalls- my expectations that they will love me like "I" love. It just doesnt happen that way.

Thanks for posting this - I learned alot and saw alot from it.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 10:00am
dear first,
I loved this.
Thanks for sharing.
Nightangel

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