Thank You Everyone
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| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:09pm |
Becky, you were absolutely right with everything you said. No one can make me feel bad about myself but me, and he certainly isn't worth it. I appreciate the fact that no one would ever say "I told you so". I don't need anyone to beat me up -- I do a good enough job of that on my own. I need to develop a thicker skin and not let stupid people get me down. I've always been bad with handling surprises and Paul's reaction to me on Sunday was a total surprise. Now that I have had time to read everyone's advice, take a deep breath and think about it, I'm a lot better.
Sometimes I feel like no one understands me; not my friends, my family, or any man I ever dated. I don't care what anybody thinks, raising kids by yourself is hard, and trying to balance dating in there too is very hard. I really appreciate the fact that I can come here and vent or cry and no matter what the issue is, either on kids or dating or whatever, someone out there in cyberland will be able to relate and understand me. I consider you guys my friends, even though I can't see you. You are all really awesome.
As for the whole ugly incident itself, I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out, but it's not worth my time. I think, by his anger and mean reaction, Paul's got some other issues going on. Something bugged him or whatever, and he wanted out. I really don't understand the anger part, but that might just be how he deals with problems. A simple, "it's not working for me, I don't want to see you any more" would have been fine with me. I'm tired of having to defend myself to people who have no clue in the world what is going on in my life. It's easy to criticize, but spend a day in my shoes, and see how differently they would do things. I really thought dating someone who had kids would make a difference, and at first it seemed like it did. He seemed so understanding and supportive. Then he turned on me because my house is cluttered. All I can say to that is spend every single weeknight doing homework until 9:30 a.m. with two 7-year-olds, one of which has ADHD, and tell me how clean his house would be. I'd really like to be able to meet someone who likes me for me -- kids, clutter and all.
I definitely need a break. This stuff going on with my daughter is physically and mentally draining. Her medication isn't right -- it either zombies her out or doesn't work. We are experimenting with a new kind of drug, but we have to work on getting the proper dose, which is all trial and error. I know it will work out at some point, but some times, like last night, I thought to myself, "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and end up in Tinley Park (the mental hospital by my house) if things don't change soon". I really don't need the added stress of trying to keep someone else happy. I always thought I did a good job of balancing dating and kids; not introducing them too quickly; taking things slow (dating only when the kids were at their dads); but that didn't seem to be good enough for the last two guys I dated. Right now I don't have the energy to figure it out either. My daughter needs me, and that's all that matters right now.
I still don't have a lot of faith in men -- I think there's way too many frogs out there. I've decided to work on my house and spend time with my kids. I've already made a mental list of some projects I'd like to tackle when my weekends are free. Plus, the holidays are coming up and me and the kids can do a lot of things together, which I'm looking forward to.
As always, thanks for listening and being the support I really needed. You're all awesome. Cheers.
Donna
