Thanks - your advice worked!
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| Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:03pm |
I bought the two recommended books from my last discussion, as well as one titled "How to be a Great Divorced Dad" for my boyfriend, and together we hit the highlights of each book, and developed a strategy for dealing with the animosity coming from his Ex. He is very angry with the last go-around, and we talked a lot about not being able to communicate with people who are 1.) in denial, 2.) furious, and 3.) jealous. This is why every discussion that starts off about the kids ends up with dredging up every single wrong from the marriage, going back to when they were dating. You know, the "always" and "never" arguments that we'll all had with our Ex's... that go absolutely nowhere but leaving you feeling like you've just been psychologically raped!
One thing I did appreciate from all of you in the reminder of what it feels like to be HER - because I've worked very hard putting my baggage behind me to have a really nice, civil, and friendly relationship with me Ex. We now celebrate holidays together with the kids, and he recently had dinner with me, our kids, and my BF and his GF! My boyfriend was shocked that we all could sit down and have a pleasant (and funny) dinner together, and how much the girls enjoyed it! My BF said it felt like one big extended family dinner. I told him, no it was four adults coming together and being mature - and leaving the baggage and emotions at the door. He said never to expect his ex to be THAT mature - I told him I do in fact hope that one day it would that way for him, me, and her, too. Whether or not that comes to fruition is not up to me, but I will continue to act as if this is possible one day.
So by remembering the early years of divorce and single motherhood, I can better understand that his Ex and her problems have nothing to do with me personally (she has only met me once... was a disaster for my BF afterwards, she freaked out and dressed him down!) and all I can do is understand where her emotions come from, that they are not rational, be supportive and understanding to my BF, and encourage him to keep trying with her, so he feels good about himself as a divorced Dad. One problem that arose in this conversation last night - he doesn't want (at this point) to have anything to do with her anymore. He said she has worn through his last nerve and used up his last ounce of patience and he is done. She's been pretty mean and cruel and hurt his feelings a lot over the last 5 years, and I think he has finally reached that burn-out stage with the whole situation. I tried to encourage him to accept his anger with how he is treated but to try to be compassionate and understand where this comes from - he got mad at ME for that one and I realized this might be a turning point for him as far as boundaries are concerned. That was nice to see (finally!) because before he has let guilt dictate his behavior. I just don't want him to go to the opposite extreme and hurt his kids inadvertantly. She also told him she's moving away so he won't have to deal with her and the kids anymore. He just rolled his eyes at that one - I was so proud!
By the way - the whole T-giving episode was resolved by her refusing to let him have them at all. So when he gets them on Friday, we are all going to have our own T-giving dinner and go sledding afterwards. Make lemonade out of lemons!
Thanks all - I love this site!
Sheila

Sheila,
I'm so glad that you were able to use the advice and it worked!
That's great... rolling eye's is good.
This is very encouraging indeed.
It is not what his ex does that matters, it is what he does about his ex to protect you that matters.
Keep us posted!