That's my job, that's what I do
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| Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:59pm |
everything I do is because of you, to keep you safe with me. That's my job, you see....
So, this will quite probably be long, sorry in advance. I need to rant, vent, and maybe just get out everything I'm thinking so maybe you guys will either talk some sense into me or see something I'm not or something...
My father now has been diagnosed with vascular disease in both legs, one worse than the other. The team of doctors he's seen think it's yet another side effect of the chemo and radiation he's been through. He's still nauseus, which is unexplained at this point. He sees a vascular surgeon next week and another GI specialist the week after. Hopefully they'll figure out something, but as he's still not making his own blood cells, surgery is even more risky than it normally would be. His body simply can't fight everything he's going through all at once. He gets blood transfusions at least once a week now, and will probably be moving from a mostly liquid diet to being fed through a tube again. His liver couldn't handle it long term last time, which is why he's since had surgery to remove some of his obstructed intestines. The problem however is that his bowels were basically ruined completely by the radiation, and the long term damage is only just now starting to rear its ugly head. As you're only given a definite amount of intestines to begin with, there isn't a whole lot they can do. He's in a world of pain right now, and at some point you have to wonder how much a man can take. Please continue to keep him and my mother in your thoughts.
The kids are out of school, this is the first full week. They're enjoying their new sitter, but I still have some doubts. I'm basically going to stick with her until I find better arrangements, but as I work nontraditional hours, it's extremely difficult to find reliable daycare in my area. Since I am looking at moving, I'd like to find a new sitter after that's settled, since changing daycares is nearly as stressful as moving, and I want to only do it as many times as absolutely neccessary.
Work has been dragging me down pretty noticeably lately. There is a major reorganization happening, and when it's all said and done, I'll probably have a new job description and hopefully a bigger paycheck, but in the interim there's a lot of confusion and growing pains.
Things with funnyguy are going well, BUT. There's a but.
We've casually talked about living together. Well, as casually as you can have that discussion. At this point, we're spending nearly every night basically together, either at my place or his. This hasn't posed any problems at all. Except that one of us is always living out of a bag. That's an inconvenience and annoying, but not all that bad. It's funny though, because we don't actually spend all that much time together, and rarely do anything together. I'll get in to that in a minute.
Moving in together means we both must move. He has a dog, which isn't allowed at my apartment, and I don't live in the county he's contractually bound to live in because of work. His apartment is much too small for four of us, and simply wouldn't work. It's fine for an occassional sleepover but there's no way we could all live there.
Not only do I not want to move my children around too much, but the schools in this area are all very different, and I'm fairly picky about which district my children go to. So, the real underlying problem as far as I'm concerned is that not only is it going to be difficult for us to find a reasonably priced apartment where we're all comfortable in the county he has to live in that allows dogs, but to my mind, it's also unneccesary. You see, he owns a house.
Not only does he own a house, but it's closer to work for both of us than either of us live now, in a good school district, and in the county he has to be in. It's in the country which we both love, has a big yard for kids and dogs, and is the perfect size, and still close to towns and work. Practically perfect in every way. BUT
His ex wife lives in the house that he bought while they were married. Not only is she not on the mortgage, she also doesn't pay for any of it. She basically lives in his house for free, paying only her own utilities. No rent, no mortgage, no nothing. AND, she has no plans to change this in the near future. I think this wouldn't bother me nearly as much if he'd had children with her. She has two, but their fathers aren't in the picture, and she has no family or ties to this area. The only thing keeping her here is a free ride.
I couldn't understand, and still can't, really, why he allowed this to happen. It was his choice to end the loveless marriage, and he's told me he still feels guilty for leaving her to fend for herself. However, I see it slightly differently. funnyguy's ex is ten years older than him and has been married five times. I'm surprised she doesn't have possession of a string of houses, but I think the other men must have seen how manipulative and controlling she is.
I know I'm selfish and probably being petty about this, but I can't stand that he's willing to continue paying for a house he may never live in, indefinitely. Not only that, but because it's in his name only, defaulting isn't an option, and he seems uninclined to ask her to leave, much less kick her out. I'm not saying I want him to throw her on the street, but as a woman and a mother, I simply don't understand why she'd want to live free- what's she teaching her kids- that men will always be expected to foot the bill, no matter how royal a witch a woman is to them? Her children are teens, by the way, and from what I've heard, she's never put their needs first in the past and hasn't contributed overly to their general well being. She had a string of husbands to do that for her. Although I suppose I'm slightly jaded and being just a little catty about it.
Until very recently I viewed it as none of my business, and as something that would keep us from moving too quickly, as I want everything in his past to fully be in his past before we go any further. That means she's either out of the house or he's off the mortgage. But now it's starting to affect me, and also starting to drive me nuts.
funnyguy is absolutely wonderful. He's funny, smart, kind, and simply the man I want to be with. I love him, and don't doubt for a second that he loves me. BUT
For me, moving is somewhat of a necessity simply because of my unsavory neighbors. This is the perfect time, as I wouldn't have to pull my kids out of school mid-year, they'd be settled in before the new school year began, and have time to get used to thier new surroundings. I live in an old, converted farmhouse with four units in it. There are two upstairs apartments, one next door, and mine. New people moved into the one next door about two weeks ago, and have had cops at their house at least twice- and that's only the times I was here to witness. The upstairs lady has taken to smoking pot on the porch upstairs, and the smell trickles down. Living in this apartment is making me miserable, and truth be told, I prefer being at funnyguy's place simply because there's none of the drama or potential danger there that exists here.
Moving on my own isn't that much of a problem. I don't have to live with funnyguy in order to be happy. However, I know that since we've discussed moving in together, and since we're spending nearly all of our time together now, moving into another new place on my own would sorely disappoint me. I also know I don't want to uproot my children very many times. Moving is stressful and hectic, and I don't want to do it now out of neccessity only to do it again in a year to live with funnyguy. It doesn't make sense, financially or emotionally, to me.
I know it shouldn't but it hurts me that instead of making the four of us happy by getting his ex out of his house so we can live there, he would rather not make waves for her. Why he doesn't see it the way I do is beyond me, but he doesn't. I haven't told him all of this, at least not in so many words, of course, but that's for a couple of reasons. The man bends over backwards to please me, and I know it will hurt him if I ask him to make a choice like that. I also know that he could easily choose to continue to live the way he is, and by forcing a decision on him, I could be forced out of his life completely. More than anything I know I want to be with him, but I also know this state of limbo regarding work, living arrangements, daycare, and schools is only making me tense and stressed and naturally brings out the worst in me.
The only other thing about this situation that bothers me at all is the money. Because he's paying rent and a mortgage on top of all of his regular bills, funnyguy's income is about tapped out. I know this, and I refuse to allow myself to be compared, even a little, to the ex, so I end up either paying for everything or choosing ultra cheap things to do. I don't mind paying for everything- in fact, he offers, always, but I choose to pay. I only care because I know my reasons for doing it. I am too worried about him mentally comparing me to her- she was a user in every sense of the word, and I don't want him to think the same about me, even a little. However, I can't afford to pay for many extras because I have two little kids and simply don't make that much money.
What has begun happening is that funnyguy is working a ton of overtime so that he has more disposable income. His willingness to make the effort is great- especially because I certainly don't expect it, but what happens is that between both of us working difficult and nearly opposite hours and me spending time running the kids to their activities, we end up spending even less time together. When we are together, we're both so wiped out from working tons of overtime and me chasing after the kids that we barely catch up on each other's days before crashing.
Last night we spent a couple of hours with my closest friend and her husband and ended up going out for a couple of drinks, and that was the first date we've had in nearly a month. We're so extremely comfortable with each other and both homebodies, so staying in and just hanging out is what we both want to do most of the time. Most of the time is fine, but there are times when I want to do something without the kids, or without worrying about who's going to pay for it without being completely strapped for cash.
I feel guilty for even suggesting anything simply because I know he doesn't want me to pay for everything and I also know he can't afford to pay for everything.
I love this man, and everything he stands for. He's completely selfless and just simply right for me. I know he wants us to be sharing a life, in every way. I also know that I'm holding back, and it's simply because I can't get over the house thing. Both of us would have more time and money to spend together if we were sharing the expenses rather than each paying our own way while in reality only using one apartment. We'd both have to work only our normal hours and not be forced to put in so much overtime simply to get by. However, I also know myself well enough to know that I won't be happy living in an apartment with him knowing that he's got a house that he's fully responsible for, at least financially. A house that would be perfect for us.
So, next week I was supposed to be on vacation, and we'd planned a day trip with the kids to an amusement park, and then a couple of days camping. Camping really really really isn't my thing, but I know he and the kids love it, so decided to give it a shot. However, he has to work Wednesday, and now I've got to work Thursday. So that leaves us with Monday and Tuesday off together, and then Friday Saturday and Sunday off. I'd already told my sitter I wouldn't need her next week, so she made other plans, which meant I was stuck where Thursday was concerned. He offered to watch the kids, so I took a leap of faith and agreed.
I trust him completely, and the kids adore him, but asking him to watch them, or agreeing when he offered was hard for me. It just feels like the next step in being a family. If we were living together, I probably wouldn't think it was such a big deal, and I know it's not that big a deal in reality, but he's never spent the whole day alone with them- or any length of time together without me at all, in fact. I also know that his ex never wanted him involved in her kids' lives unless it was to pay for their activities, so I think this was something of a test for me. If I let him in, it's a good thing, if I keep holding back, he'll retreat and see how I react.
I let him in, but I know that continuing to do so will only make me feel more confused if we're not officially settled into anything. It all seems so simple to me, but I feel like he'd get her out of the house if he saw it that way, without any coaxing or prompting from me.
So, there's my saga, and I hope any of you who made it this far will offer your opinions!
Moody, mixed up and confused and thinking too hard

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OH dear. You poor thing.
Okay - I can tell you what *I* would do if I was you. I think the focus has to be on his ability to decide he is not going to put up with her freeloading and he is going to give her notice and sell the house. Whether or not he does this is not up to you. There is no telling he can do that in time - how long ago were they divorced? Maybe he will, maybe he won't. You are enjoying his company - that is cool - it is worth the gamble in my opinion based on what you have said.
BUT BUT BUT I would never make it easier on him. Otherwise you are a co-dependent so to speak for this dysfunctional sort of situation. I think you should forget about living together and move to wherever is best for you and the kids. Because without a commitment to him, your commitment at present has to be for you and the kids.
I think a little distance is good - it will make him miss you and want to be with you. And I am praying this is the catalyst to get a fire bomb under his butt and do something about his situation. Because HE is the one who has to see it and act on it. You cannot nag or force or coerce him to do so - you must allow him to see it and do it because he wants to.
I don't think you should feel guilty if he watches the kids - that is a nice favor after you have paid for stuff.
My bottom line - this is his problem, not yours. And the easier you make it for him to essentially be with both of you, the harder you make it for him to cut the tie.
I hope this helps you somehow, Moody. It is really easy for me to sit in my chair and blab my opinion. But I do care about you a lot - you have been a most supportive person to this board and you have dated a lot of crap to get where you are. There is no one who wants to see you succeed with this more than me. And that is my best best defense strategy I can give you. I pray you do the same when I need it!!
No matter what you decide I am here. And I encourage everyone else to post because the more opinions we have the better.
Thanks for the wishes about my dad, things will get worse before they get better, I'm afraid, but such is life sometimes.
As for funnyguy, I know there's nothing I can do about the whole situation with his house. He'll do whatever it is he wants to do, and me pushing for anything or trying to talk him into something isn't only so completely against my nature it's laughable, but it's also just not something I have the energy for.
I've been taking a lot more time for myself and doing the things I enjoy.
The thing I love about this relationship is that neither of us has lost ourselves in order to be together.
It'll all work out one way or another, it always does.
Thanks for the cheer!
Moody, drained
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Thanks for your opinion. I guess maybe I should clarify a few things, although I'm not sure we'll end up agreeing in the end. Luckily, I think that's what makes a forum like this so wonderful.
My father has been ill for years. He's dying. I don't have to make him my priority- he's always been, as he's my father. However, I also know that no matter how much time I spend with him, how many appointments I take him to, how many doctors I meet, he's still going to be ill. He's never going to get better. Now the idea is to make the life he has as good as it can be for as long as it lasts. I see and speak to him daily. My family is my priority.
However, I have a wonderful relationship with a man I love. I enjoy having funnyguy to rely on, vent to, and simply be with. He helps shoulder the emotional burden I'm carrying, which is really something I need right now. It doesn't diminish my love for my father.
I would think of moving in with a man who hadn't proposed because I don't believe that marriage is the ultimate goal in life. I was married, as were several of the other boarders here, and yet here we all are. A piece of paper and a shiny ring do not a happy relationship make. This man thinks more of my children than their father does, and he has no blood or legal ties to them.
I think this man loves me because he shows me he does. He does pay for his house. He left a year ago, and I suppose at first it was simply easier to pay for it. I'm not making excuses, and I certainly asked for the opinions. His paying for his house has nothing to do with his feelings for me, though, that's something I'm certain of.
I guess I didn't clarify enough about the money. I don't pay for everything we do. We pay roughly equally. He offers to pay for everything, and the reason I won't let him is because I don't want to be comparable to his ex. That has nothing to do with him, and is simply me, and my own thoughts. I know he's not made of money, and am simply trying to be considerate- by finding low cost ways to spend time together and by paying some of the time.
He doesn't disclose to me his financial details, nor I to him. However, I am making assumptions because I know that he pays rent, a mortgage, has a truck payment, and all of the regular bills people have. He doesn't suggest things to do that are costly, and never asks me to pay for anything. I insist on paying for as much as I do because I feel guilty- it has absolutely nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me.
He isn't at my place every day. He is here a lot, or I'm at his place a lot. That works for us, unwise or not. I don't think being engaged or married would change the way we feel about each other, simply because to me marriage isn't the be all and end all in a relationship.
His paying for his house seems to me like the financially responsible thing to do, although obviously I'd love for him to sell it. It's his decision, though, as you noted. I'm not pressuring him to do anything regarding that house, and as you noted, we've been dating a short enough time that this isn't a deal breaker right now. It's frustrating to me, though, which is why I posted here.
I am not more invested in this relationship, although I'm sure it does probably seem that way as you've only heard my side, and I am very glad I can use this board to vent.
Assuming we do live together at some point, and further assuming we break up, yes, my children will move with me. However, if we were married and that didn't work out, they'd still be moving with me. I'm not sure you and I see marriage the same way. I do know though that I'd much rather my children see me happy, and know what a loving relationship looks like without marriage in the picture than see me in one of the miserable marriages I've heard about, read about, seen and lived firsthand simply because it was more proper for them. I'll take living in happy sin any day over living in a loveless, abusive, or otherwise miserable marriage simply for propriety's sake.
I am not sure where you got the impression that he doesn't put forth any effort. He does. If I gave that impression, I'm sorry. My original post was more of a vent, for which I'm not making excuses, but it seems as if I've given the wrong impression of my entire relationship.
I agree that at this point I can only observe. I also can come here and get everyone's opinions on my observations. Thank you for yours.
Moody
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Hello Moody,
I am sorry about your father and you are in my thoughts.
As for your situation with funnyguy, first I am glad things are still great between you - I was sure they would be, and I am very happy for you. As far as the house thing goes, I more or less agree with the others. The thing is, you probably will eventually be living together in the county he has to live in, so, as you said, this would be the perfect time to move as regards the kids settling in and not starting a new school at an odd time during the school year. My suggestion would be to start looking there now for the three of you, of course informing funnyguy that this is what you are doing.
One of two things could happen: either funnyguy has a lightbulb moment and sees for himself how giving his ex-wife notice on the house would really solve all the problems, or you will get yourself a great new place nearer him, nearer your work, where you will feel safe with the kids. If you get somewhere that would be big enough for all four of you at some stage, then if funnyguy wants to move in there would be no problem. Even then, this could still be a temporary solution - it's not because funnyguy is concerned about moving his ex out of the house right now that he wil be forever. Yes, it's a hassle moving, and not the ideal situation with children, but sometimes we just have to resign ourselves to situations we cannot change.
I feel the same way you do about marriage. I don't need the paper either. You may remember that Monkey moved in with the three of us last October, and things are great. A wedding band is no guarantee that things will work out - everyone has their own feelings on this, which of course I respect.
Hope you find a solution, dear Moody.
Clem xx
Moody:
You are doing everything that I have done in every relationship. And what is even stranger, you are in the same pickle that I was with M now. Regarding moving and the house situation. I knew it was too soon to ask him or be serious about this or that, but I knew I had a timeline. My apartment is just too cramped and when my lease is up next year, I am outta their. However M asked me to quit thinking about just the children and myself and to start thinking about him and moving along his path. Then suddenly, he pulled that rug straight under me when he sold the house on Monday and said he never meant it that way. B.S. The point I am making, is that M treated me wonderfully and LIKE you, I paid everythign down the middle, because I did not want to come across as being his X. I did this with my XF too. Everything to make them see I was not trying to use them or that I was leaching my kids on them, etc. That I loved them for them and that I didn't want anything else but for who they were. However, Funnyguy, is NOT confrontational. You listed things about him that made me think OH MY GOSH, this is M!!! Funnyguy may choose to let you go eventually, just because it would be easier then getting INTO it with his XW. I know that sounds funky, but believe me. With M and my XF, they were terrified of any sort of drama. Instead of M telling me how he really felt, he didn't. He let me believe he was ok with everything and so did my XF. What they didn't understand is their non-confrontational behaviour is much more damaging then just saying how you feel and telling the truth with what you want. And sometimes it is going to be uncomfortable, but he can't be paying for someone's lifestyle just because he doesn't want to bring it up. Sooooooo, as a few of the ladies said and what M said to me last night... you need to think about your kids. M said he never meant to mislead me to go down his road. OH YES HE DID. But now the house situation comes up and he doesn't need me. That is fine, good riddance, but he made me believe he wanted an us, because he didn't want ME to be without HIM. It was ok for him to be with out me, but not vice versa. He was allowed to make all of his own plans, not tell me about any of them, but I wasn't supposed to make any sort of desires, changes in mine.
I agree that you need to get on your road with your children that do not include funnyguy. I don't mean break up with him, but I mean lead the way and hope he see's the light and follows. Without you having to bring up the reason or pressure him or confront him. Just tell him you need to do what is best for your children. Tell him your timeline thoughts and that moving will not be an option for you in another year. That the children will have to be settled. Not mentioning the both of you, just mentioning the children, the children, the children. Keep telling him you need to so what is best for them and yourself. And either he will get it or he won't. I thought I had issues with M's X wife, but OMG! Moody, I would freak if XW was living in that house and with kids that weren't even M's. I would question M about where his true feelings were. It should be a major issue with you.
Sometimes with Funnyguy, if you think something is sweet and endearing that he does, as for instance what he is doing with his XW, believe me, it has little to do with sweet and endearing. It has to do with just not being confrontational. A complete phobia. He would have done a lot more to just save from having a disagreement. Be very careful with what he says. Funnyguy is a wonderful guy, as is M, but they freak with change and they tend to maybe say things or not, to just save from having any waves. They loath and frighten with waves. YOu need to think about yourself and your children. If you are worth it enough to him, funnyguy will follow, but do not allow him then to move in. Somewhere this situation will turn into a confrontation. Either with you and funnyguy OR funnyguy and his XW. But this isn't over yet, so be prepared.
Hi Moody,
I think you have gotten good advice to keep yourself and your children as the top focus. If you need to move, funnyguy knows about it and hasn't offered what you think is a great suggestion, then I say make a move for you and the children. A place that you can afford, in a neighborhood that you want.... make a decision as if funnyguy isn't a factor.
In the same way that when you were single single and just dating, you wouldn't go out of your way to make it easy for a guy to date you. If he was interested, then he would call and pursue you.... The same thing still goes when you get serious.... in that, he should still arrange his schedules to pursue you... make his plans to pursue you... Remember the book "He's Just Not That Into You"...? (which I'm not saying funnyguys not that into you...). I'm saying there were chapters on women in serious relationships but the guy was doing this or that... And Greg's advice was start putting yourself first and if the guy is interested he will follow. West is right.... if you make decision that makes things easier on him, and compromise your needs... that's codependent.
At the same time, you don't have to rush things. Again, you have such a full life that it doesn't hurt you to wait. That's good that you are doing good things for yourself. I understand that love impairs our judgement but get back to basics.... I don't think anyone is saying dump him.. but I think we're saying stay true to yourself and blessings will follow.
You cannot control someone else. But you can be 100% control of your own choices.
God Bless,
Loonybunny
Hugs here for you, too Moody!!!!
LOTS of prayers for you and your Dad. I know what that is like, having to watch a loved one suffering through a decline... and there being nothing you can do for them but just be there. ((((((((((((Moody))))))))))))))))
How crazy that your kids are just enjoying their first full week of summer vacation, and we've already been out for a month! My kids will be going back near the end of August- and I'm sure yours won't until September, right?
Hugs about the stuff with funnyguy and the X living in the old house. That bites and I understand where you're at, too. It was that same kind of thing (sort of) when Hiker's ex came back and lived at his house all last summer. It's a good thing that these men have good responsible hearts but it's bad that they don't set up stronger boundaries. Thankfully the situation with Hiker's ex was only temporary, and I hope this situation with funnyguy's ex is temporary too- although it already has lasted for awhile and doesn't seem to have a near end to it. I hope he can see the light soon because really- it's just not sound financial building to have to work so hard to pay for a house that he can't even live in!!!
It's maddening to me too- as a woman who wants to be able to support herself- to see other women who are so very comfortable with mooching. Even when a marriage is over, she still doesn't feel like she should separate. It IS maddening- and you're not the only one who finds it unacceptable!! Crazy that funnyguy allows it, right?!?! But like everyone has said... it's really HIS business, and it's up to him what he does with that. Unfortunately.
I had to work on ignoring that whole issue with Hiker last summer... and just concentrate on my own little family and what we were doing- and tried not to let it bug me. I know it still bugged me at times, but thankfully it didn't bug me so much that I ended up bugging him about it constantly- and causing a riff between us. I had to just learn to trust him and his judgment about it- even though I couldn't understand it myself. It's his life and he and his ex has a history I'll never know about- so it was up to THEM to deal with it. Not me. It's hard, I know... but I know you can keep busy enough Moody- that hopefully it won't just dwell on you too much.
Just find a place for you and the kids for yourself- where you know you can be safe & healthy and not have to worry about horrible neighbors!!! If funnyguy doesn't figure it out, at least you know you aren't just left hanging while waiting for him. Just do what YOU need to do, and he can fit in somewhere around it all. (sounds like what I was just typing out to Cat!) Just because he is part of your life now... you guys are still not 'together' enough that you can't just decide to find a place for yourself without him. Fend for yourself, is what I'd say! (my single-mom mantra)
Hugs,
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Moody,
First, I am sending prayers to your dad and family. I bet that is such a tough time not only for him but for his loved ones seeing him suffer and cannot do anything about it. I do believe prayer is a powerful thing though.
Insofar as funnyguy is concerned.
1. I have a personal philosophy that I will never live together with someone (been there, done that with my wife) until I get married. I think living together is a halfway commitment.
Even though my children are teens and live full time with their mother, I think living together sets the wrong example for them. I expect they will have live in boy/girlfriends when they get older but for me I’d rather not live that way.
I only want make life commitments not based on how practical or convenient it would be but on whether it is right for me.
2. I would be cautious in making the ex-wife the bad person. He married her for a reason. He is letting her live in the house rent free because of who he is, so it is not entirely her doing.
My take on funnyguy is that he has some personal work to do in looking deep in why he married such a woman and continuing to have her in his life like this. I would focus on your relationship with funnyguy in this area regardless whether or not you choose to live with him.
Good for you for making the past, the past before moving forward. I do believe him supporting his ex-wife is your business for it affects your relationship with a man who allows this.
I can understand how you like to have a partner that will bend over backwards to please you but for me I see that as an indicator of someone who does not have his own sense of self and values. The fact he does not want to make waves with his ex shows me he does not have the strength or backbone to do what is right for him.
3. Money. Ah, the main area of couple disputes. I see that you are not only financially enabling him to continue something that drives you nuts, i.e. allowing his wife to live rent free.
I invite you to examine your reasoning on why you choose to pay for everything. Do you want to base your relationship on being compared to his ex? Do you want to base your relationship by being the sole provider, by making an unequal relationship? This is not a partnership IMHO.
I know as a man having my woman pay for everything is emasculating. You may think it’s archaic but those are the gender roles we have in this society. You are trading off paying for your relationship in trying to make yourself not be his ex-wife with what you do not do for your children.
It is not up to you to take care of his money issues. I see that how he is putting himself into such a tight bind because of the house is an issue that he needs to work on, probably with therapy.
It sounds like he is a great guy. However, I would have a fundamental problem with anyone who does not have his act together on having a good sense of himself where he does not want to make waves and sacrifices himself/who he is to please or to avoid confrontation. This is not a good foundation for a solid, intimate relationship in my opinion.
Mark
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