That's my job, that's what I do
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| Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:59pm |
everything I do is because of you, to keep you safe with me. That's my job, you see....
So, this will quite probably be long, sorry in advance. I need to rant, vent, and maybe just get out everything I'm thinking so maybe you guys will either talk some sense into me or see something I'm not or something...
My father now has been diagnosed with vascular disease in both legs, one worse than the other. The team of doctors he's seen think it's yet another side effect of the chemo and radiation he's been through. He's still nauseus, which is unexplained at this point. He sees a vascular surgeon next week and another GI specialist the week after. Hopefully they'll figure out something, but as he's still not making his own blood cells, surgery is even more risky than it normally would be. His body simply can't fight everything he's going through all at once. He gets blood transfusions at least once a week now, and will probably be moving from a mostly liquid diet to being fed through a tube again. His liver couldn't handle it long term last time, which is why he's since had surgery to remove some of his obstructed intestines. The problem however is that his bowels were basically ruined completely by the radiation, and the long term damage is only just now starting to rear its ugly head. As you're only given a definite amount of intestines to begin with, there isn't a whole lot they can do. He's in a world of pain right now, and at some point you have to wonder how much a man can take. Please continue to keep him and my mother in your thoughts.
The kids are out of school, this is the first full week. They're enjoying their new sitter, but I still have some doubts. I'm basically going to stick with her until I find better arrangements, but as I work nontraditional hours, it's extremely difficult to find reliable daycare in my area. Since I am looking at moving, I'd like to find a new sitter after that's settled, since changing daycares is nearly as stressful as moving, and I want to only do it as many times as absolutely neccessary.
Work has been dragging me down pretty noticeably lately. There is a major reorganization happening, and when it's all said and done, I'll probably have a new job description and hopefully a bigger paycheck, but in the interim there's a lot of confusion and growing pains.
Things with funnyguy are going well, BUT. There's a but.
We've casually talked about living together. Well, as casually as you can have that discussion. At this point, we're spending nearly every night basically together, either at my place or his. This hasn't posed any problems at all. Except that one of us is always living out of a bag. That's an inconvenience and annoying, but not all that bad. It's funny though, because we don't actually spend all that much time together, and rarely do anything together. I'll get in to that in a minute.
Moving in together means we both must move. He has a dog, which isn't allowed at my apartment, and I don't live in the county he's contractually bound to live in because of work. His apartment is much too small for four of us, and simply wouldn't work. It's fine for an occassional sleepover but there's no way we could all live there.
Not only do I not want to move my children around too much, but the schools in this area are all very different, and I'm fairly picky about which district my children go to. So, the real underlying problem as far as I'm concerned is that not only is it going to be difficult for us to find a reasonably priced apartment where we're all comfortable in the county he has to live in that allows dogs, but to my mind, it's also unneccesary. You see, he owns a house.
Not only does he own a house, but it's closer to work for both of us than either of us live now, in a good school district, and in the county he has to be in. It's in the country which we both love, has a big yard for kids and dogs, and is the perfect size, and still close to towns and work. Practically perfect in every way. BUT
His ex wife lives in the house that he bought while they were married. Not only is she not on the mortgage, she also doesn't pay for any of it. She basically lives in his house for free, paying only her own utilities. No rent, no mortgage, no nothing. AND, she has no plans to change this in the near future. I think this wouldn't bother me nearly as much if he'd had children with her. She has two, but their fathers aren't in the picture, and she has no family or ties to this area. The only thing keeping her here is a free ride.
I couldn't understand, and still can't, really, why he allowed this to happen. It was his choice to end the loveless marriage, and he's told me he still feels guilty for leaving her to fend for herself. However, I see it slightly differently. funnyguy's ex is ten years older than him and has been married five times. I'm surprised she doesn't have possession of a string of houses, but I think the other men must have seen how manipulative and controlling she is.
I know I'm selfish and probably being petty about this, but I can't stand that he's willing to continue paying for a house he may never live in, indefinitely. Not only that, but because it's in his name only, defaulting isn't an option, and he seems uninclined to ask her to leave, much less kick her out. I'm not saying I want him to throw her on the street, but as a woman and a mother, I simply don't understand why she'd want to live free- what's she teaching her kids- that men will always be expected to foot the bill, no matter how royal a witch a woman is to them? Her children are teens, by the way, and from what I've heard, she's never put their needs first in the past and hasn't contributed overly to their general well being. She had a string of husbands to do that for her. Although I suppose I'm slightly jaded and being just a little catty about it.
Until very recently I viewed it as none of my business, and as something that would keep us from moving too quickly, as I want everything in his past to fully be in his past before we go any further. That means she's either out of the house or he's off the mortgage. But now it's starting to affect me, and also starting to drive me nuts.
funnyguy is absolutely wonderful. He's funny, smart, kind, and simply the man I want to be with. I love him, and don't doubt for a second that he loves me. BUT
For me, moving is somewhat of a necessity simply because of my unsavory neighbors. This is the perfect time, as I wouldn't have to pull my kids out of school mid-year, they'd be settled in before the new school year began, and have time to get used to thier new surroundings. I live in an old, converted farmhouse with four units in it. There are two upstairs apartments, one next door, and mine. New people moved into the one next door about two weeks ago, and have had cops at their house at least twice- and that's only the times I was here to witness. The upstairs lady has taken to smoking pot on the porch upstairs, and the smell trickles down. Living in this apartment is making me miserable, and truth be told, I prefer being at funnyguy's place simply because there's none of the drama or potential danger there that exists here.
Moving on my own isn't that much of a problem. I don't have to live with funnyguy in order to be happy. However, I know that since we've discussed moving in together, and since we're spending nearly all of our time together now, moving into another new place on my own would sorely disappoint me. I also know I don't want to uproot my children very many times. Moving is stressful and hectic, and I don't want to do it now out of neccessity only to do it again in a year to live with funnyguy. It doesn't make sense, financially or emotionally, to me.
I know it shouldn't but it hurts me that instead of making the four of us happy by getting his ex out of his house so we can live there, he would rather not make waves for her. Why he doesn't see it the way I do is beyond me, but he doesn't. I haven't told him all of this, at least not in so many words, of course, but that's for a couple of reasons. The man bends over backwards to please me, and I know it will hurt him if I ask him to make a choice like that. I also know that he could easily choose to continue to live the way he is, and by forcing a decision on him, I could be forced out of his life completely. More than anything I know I want to be with him, but I also know this state of limbo regarding work, living arrangements, daycare, and schools is only making me tense and stressed and naturally brings out the worst in me.
The only other thing about this situation that bothers me at all is the money. Because he's paying rent and a mortgage on top of all of his regular bills, funnyguy's income is about tapped out. I know this, and I refuse to allow myself to be compared, even a little, to the ex, so I end up either paying for everything or choosing ultra cheap things to do. I don't mind paying for everything- in fact, he offers, always, but I choose to pay. I only care because I know my reasons for doing it. I am too worried about him mentally comparing me to her- she was a user in every sense of the word, and I don't want him to think the same about me, even a little. However, I can't afford to pay for many extras because I have two little kids and simply don't make that much money.
What has begun happening is that funnyguy is working a ton of overtime so that he has more disposable income. His willingness to make the effort is great- especially because I certainly don't expect it, but what happens is that between both of us working difficult and nearly opposite hours and me spending time running the kids to their activities, we end up spending even less time together. When we are together, we're both so wiped out from working tons of overtime and me chasing after the kids that we barely catch up on each other's days before crashing.
Last night we spent a couple of hours with my closest friend and her husband and ended up going out for a couple of drinks, and that was the first date we've had in nearly a month. We're so extremely comfortable with each other and both homebodies, so staying in and just hanging out is what we both want to do most of the time. Most of the time is fine, but there are times when I want to do something without the kids, or without worrying about who's going to pay for it without being completely strapped for cash.
I feel guilty for even suggesting anything simply because I know he doesn't want me to pay for everything and I also know he can't afford to pay for everything.
I love this man, and everything he stands for. He's completely selfless and just simply right for me. I know he wants us to be sharing a life, in every way. I also know that I'm holding back, and it's simply because I can't get over the house thing. Both of us would have more time and money to spend together if we were sharing the expenses rather than each paying our own way while in reality only using one apartment. We'd both have to work only our normal hours and not be forced to put in so much overtime simply to get by. However, I also know myself well enough to know that I won't be happy living in an apartment with him knowing that he's got a house that he's fully responsible for, at least financially. A house that would be perfect for us.
So, next week I was supposed to be on vacation, and we'd planned a day trip with the kids to an amusement park, and then a couple of days camping. Camping really really really isn't my thing, but I know he and the kids love it, so decided to give it a shot. However, he has to work Wednesday, and now I've got to work Thursday. So that leaves us with Monday and Tuesday off together, and then Friday Saturday and Sunday off. I'd already told my sitter I wouldn't need her next week, so she made other plans, which meant I was stuck where Thursday was concerned. He offered to watch the kids, so I took a leap of faith and agreed.
I trust him completely, and the kids adore him, but asking him to watch them, or agreeing when he offered was hard for me. It just feels like the next step in being a family. If we were living together, I probably wouldn't think it was such a big deal, and I know it's not that big a deal in reality, but he's never spent the whole day alone with them- or any length of time together without me at all, in fact. I also know that his ex never wanted him involved in her kids' lives unless it was to pay for their activities, so I think this was something of a test for me. If I let him in, it's a good thing, if I keep holding back, he'll retreat and see how I react.
I let him in, but I know that continuing to do so will only make me feel more confused if we're not officially settled into anything. It all seems so simple to me, but I feel like he'd get her out of the house if he saw it that way, without any coaxing or prompting from me.
So, there's my saga, and I hope any of you who made it this far will offer your opinions!
Moody, mixed up and confused and thinking too hard

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Hi Mark - I think you wrote some great things that I completely agree with. Especially having made my choice to not continue the route on a dead horse.
I did want to remind you that Moody doesn't pay for his things. She pays for things straight down the middle as to not look like a leach, but she does not allow herself to be leached on. So I guess she doesn't need to examine the part of being a sole provider, however, I would like to know what might be wrong with making sure that you aren't looked at as the X? I wouldn't let M or anyone only pay. He overall paid for 65% and then I would pay for the rest, but what is wrong with not wanting to come across as the X? Not wanting to come across as a money grubber? People look at me and assume I am a money grubber, hoochie mama, sugar daddy lover, because I dress in style and I come across as high maintenance, when the reality is, I'm not. So I do try to prove that I'm not for anyone's money or anything else, except for the people who "they" are inside.
Wow, that's a lot to deal with! I have so little experience but here is my take...Do you think it would help to approach the situation as more of a "Wow, wouldn't that be great.." type of way. LIke "Wow, that house is great, I bet it has a great yard and I heard its in a great school district...What a great house you've invested in! It's almost like it would be perfect for our situation."
By bringing up all the good points in a complimentary manner he may be more inclined to consider it especially if he already loves to go out of his way for you. I would mention the "investment" more and more because its so easy to think of it as a "pay-off" and forget that he's sinking his money into something and NOT someone...
Hope this helps! You're so sensible I'm sure you'll come to an agreement :)
I have a thing where I have lived my life according to what I "should" do and by other people's standards. I am learning to know who and what I am and live according to that and my own values.
Plus I look to view things and do things focused on the positive rather than the negative. So based my comments on how Moody is operating from the basis of how she does not to appear as (i.e. not like his ex) rather than how she wants to live life according to her own standards.
If her standards are that she pays her own way regardless the man is rich, can afford it, does not have an ex, then sure I can relate to that. If she does that based on what she does NOT want then I part company in our life views for I rather live my life based on what I want according my own values not how I appear to someone else.
Does that make sense?
Mark
Ok, yeah, I get that. I automatically pay every so often, regardless how rich someone is or what happened with the X. Just to show, I may not be able to do a lot, but I am willing to do what I can.
However, I have, with my XF, made myself keener and more aware knowing his X's (in the aftermath "supposidly") used him.
This is to ALL of you, but I don't know how to make it say that.
Thank you all for your kind words regarding my father. Shrimpy, I know you really know what it's like, and thanks for sharing with us.
Clemmy, Mark, Cat, and everyone else- thanks so much for your words of wisdom. Mark's right- I am enabling a behavior, but the underlying problem is that I'm doing it because I want so desperately to not be compared to his ex, rather than because it's what I want to do.
I have decided to continue looking for a place to live that I know I can afford and will suit my children and I, regardless of what works for funnyguy. I have also decided to spend more time focused on doing what will make me happy rather than thinking about what will make the two of us happy.
Dwelling on his house situation makes me miserable. It isn't my place to fret or think or worry about it.
On that note, funnyguy told me last night- completely without prompting- that they've reached an agreement, and he'll be off the mortgage within a year, as he's going to transfer the house into her name. That isn't ideal for me, but again, it isn't my place, and I'm just glad that he's doing this without me having to say anything to him about my feelings- and at least a definite time line helps us look at when we want to move forward, if we do, and what we each want individually in the meantime.
The only thing I've said to funnyguy is that I would like to live with him someday, but know I wouldn't be comfortable doing that when he was paying for someone else's house. The rest of everything I've said to you guys hasn't passed my lips where he's concerned, mostly because I knew it wasn't my decision to make, and knowing now that he's made it has helped me see that I was right in not pushing.
Thank you, thank you all for the words of wisdom. While it's hard to hear that I'm being either codependent or an enabler, it certainly has given me reason to think about the motivation for my actions.
Cat, you're right about funnyguy being non-confrontational, but I think he's at a place now where he's more willing to set boundaries where his ex is concerned. I have made it clear that my children and my desires absolutely have to come first, but he already knew that.
None of this will resolve itself overnight, but I don't need it to. Moving on with my life will be fine for me- I'm not cutting him out of it, but making decisions based on mine and my children's needs.
Again, thank you all for everything- this is why I come here!
Moody, with a lot to think about
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Honey, I'm sorry to hear about your dad- how painful that must be for everyone to watch him go through this without the ability to help him!
As for funnyguy...
"...and he'll be off the mortgage within a year, as he's going to transfer the house into her name. "
What does that mean exactly?
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