Is there hope for the Single Mom? Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Is there hope for the Single Mom? Long
3
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:59am
Hello all. This is my first actual post on this board, though I'm always on here reading. I have a question. I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I'm single and going through this pregnancy with my mother and other family. (Just some background information) My question is about dating. I'm 21 years old. I'm a college student and I'm still focused on my goals, and not really into dating anyone at the moment. Once a bad relationship ended and I found out I was pregnant, I took myself off the market. I just wonder if once I'm ready to have a serious relationship if its harder to find a good partner because you have to consider your child as well. My mother was a single mother when she had me, she got married when I was 2 and I grew up having a very ugly relationship with my stepfather. In my adulthood, I don't even talk to him or my stepsiblings. I don't want my child to live life that way. I'm not thinking that I'll be alone for the rest of my days. I'm just thinking more on the terms of if it's possible to find someone that will not only love you but truly care for your child as well. My child already has a father, and will grow up supported and loved by both of us as biological parents; though done seperately. I'm just thinking more about my romantic future being good for both myself and my child. I know it's not impossible to get married when you already have a child. I'm just trying to protect my child from a lot of the heartache I've experienced when my mother decided to marry. Is it possible to have a relationship with someone that truly comes to love your child even though the child is not theirs or will there always be a strain for relationships because a man subconsciously only considers you when he's with you and not the whole package?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 3:50am

Hi Jewels,


Welcome to the board.


Yes, it IS possible to find a man who accepts you and your child as a package deal and treats them wonderfully.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 2:01pm

I agree with Alison - and have seen quite a few women on this board find someone special for themselves and their kids. You do have to be the one to weed out the bad ones. Funny thing is that a kid and the obligation that comes with him/her actually makes it easier - although you have to be willing to be patient for the right one to come along.

Hope you stick around - you will learn a lot here and we would love to here your stories about your baby and how you are doing. You will love motherhood, I promise. I would choose it over a man any day - not to say you can't have both of course!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:06pm

I agree totally with Allison here, too! So you know what it was like to grow up with a stepdad who wasn't connecting with you. But like Allison said- if you examine your mom in that, maybe it was a situation where she "settled" for him out of a need to have a husband/support/whatever-her-reason... and the good part of it all is that YOU can choose more carefully so you'll won't repeat the situation for your child. I truly believe there ARE men out there who can and will accept you and your child as a package deal. I believe there are men out there who could "adopt" in their hearts a child that isn't biologically his as if he/she is his own. It's just a matter of you making sure you are highly selective, making sure you go into every dating situation (even before it gets to relationship stages) with your eyes wide open to what the man IS- not just what you hope he would/could fill in your life. I think you CAN weed out the ones who won't connect with your child- and I think the signs are there, even early on.

Just be confident in yourself enough to always know when to walk away if the man doesn't treat both you AND your child the way you want- and to trust that there ARE still good men out there. If a man won't accept you AND your child, then he's not the right man for your family- and you can rest assured that you're not making a mistake by saying "bye" and moving on. So in that way- like Judy said- it's almost EASIER to date when you have a child- because by considering the man in relation to the best interest of your child- sometimes it's SUCH a no-brainer if you need to kick him to the curb. Being a single mom doesn't mean you have to become dependent and desperate- but now you can be strong and selective.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<