There is NO reasoning with my X ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
There is NO reasoning with my X ...
6
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:36am

I swear, no matter HOW i approach something, it backfires.


In the past 2+ yrs we have been apart, i have let him have ANY visitation he wants.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:03am

(hugs)
You must realize that all you have to do is mention how it benefits you personally and he'll rebel. You didn't say you were taking him to court, just that you'd follow the written plan's schedule. He overreacted like all the psycho alcoholics do.
So my humble advice, at least it has kind of worked for me, is to never mention you will benefit in any way from some change in the schedule. We just went through this with D3's schedule which changed when she turned 3. I NEVER mentioned I had a class on Tues night and counted on his having her every Tues. When the new schedule was due to take effect I simply asked when he planned to implement it, knowing he'd not even noticed there was to be a change. I knew he'd not like the new plan because it assumes she'll be in preschool by now, she isn't. So he'd have to incur sitter expenses. We've made a slight change to the previous schedule and are ignoring the court schedule for now. It works for everyone. He's doing the schedule I would have proposed, but he thinks it's ALL HIS IDEA. Once she does start preschool in the fall I'll have to tiptoe around changing it again so it is more in line with the court ordered version.

M has the same problem with his X. If he frames the changes he wants due to his work travel schedule as necessary for him, his X gets all incensed that he is controlling her life. If he frames the situation to be in their daughters' best interest, she is OK with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 4:06am

You're totally right. I shouldnt have even put IN the part about my schedule - but i knew that JUST saying it was for Ave's benefit wouldnt fly.


So, you didnt tell me WHAT TO DO! lol

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Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:53am

What I would do is just ignore the fact that he mentioned court (for now) and move forward with the court ordered plan for visitation. When he calls out of the blue to ask to take her on a night that's not part of the court order, tell him no....that's not going to work out....it's not your day to have her. She's available on Wednesday's and every other weekend. I hope he'll soon understand that he's NOT going to see her if he can't stick to SOME type of court agreement. He's totally on a power trip and thinks he runs the show. I'd hope that he'd start really missing her and would eventually cave in to the fact that he has to take her according to the order....not because it only benefits you (which he seems totally bitter about)....but because that's what the judge ordered. I know it may be unfair for your daughter if he refuses to take her the first couple of weeks because he's being stubborn but I believe it may pay off in the end when he realizes he's not going to get his way.

Good luck!!!!!

~Dani~

 BabyName Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:06am

Danni, that WAS my plan & certainly WILL be if things dont work out.

This AM when i went to pick her up, he met me outside. I said "What in the heck made you so mad about that email???" (like i was in total disbeleif & clueless, when really, i knew) - & he said "You want to take me to court". & said "no i DO NOT. I just said the "court ordered visitation" ... meaning the schedule the court OUTLINES, not to GO BACK!" & he sort of backed right down & said "Oh, i thought you wanted to go back to court to make it easier for your schedule". I told him that yeah, it may make it somewhat easier on me, but mostly its for Avereys benefit & her scheduling. He said "Ok, lets just do what you said - i will look at my schedule & let you know"

I said fine. & then, of course, if it doesnt work - then he realizes that it WILL go to the minimal ordered visitation. It will be SO much better & more stable for dd.

So, lets HOPE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:09am

UPDATE:

This AM when i went to pick her up, he met me outside. I said "What in the heck made you so mad about that email???" (like i was in total disbeleif & clueless, when really, i knew) - & he said "You want to take me to court". & said "no i DO NOT. I just said the "court ordered visitation" ... meaning the schedule the court OUTLINES, not to GO BACK!" & he sort of backed right down & said "Oh, i thought you wanted to go back to court to make it easier for your schedule". I told him that yeah, it may make it somewhat easier on me, but mostly its for Avereys benefit & her scheduling. He said "Ok, lets just do what you said - i will look at my schedule & let you know"

I said fine. & then, of course, if it doesnt work - then he realizes that it WILL go to the minimal ordered visitation. It will be SO much better & more stable for dd.

So, lets HOPE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:51am

Oh good - as long as he can tell you in advance that is better for everyone. Let's hope he sticks to it.

What a bozo - any mature adult would realize that parents have to work and sitters have to be scheduled!

I had this for a while with my exh - we rewrite the schedule every week around his travel plans for work.

I wrote him an email saying that now that Nicholas is getting older and I have to schedule playdates, carpool, doctor's appts, dentist, haircuts, etc. and since so many people and plans were now involved we needed to know his schedule in advance so it goes smoother for DS. I have a writeable calendar on my website and he fills it in - he can do that from anywhere and DS can look it up and print it.

I NEVER mentioned that it would make my life easier - I just worded it like DS needs this as he is growing up - and the exh hates to feel out of the loop so he obliged. Sometimes he changes stuff at the last minute but most of the time he lets me know in advance and sticks to it. Hope this helps somehow!