Things going a little better

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Things going a little better
4
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 1:45pm

Just a small update. DD14 met her counselor the day before Thanksgiving. Her next appt. is on 12/6. She is seeing him under protest and thinks she does not need it. So in this regard we are not seeing eye to eye, but guess what....OH WELL!

After gettng tired of her crap, I called her dad and had him come to the house and made her tell him everything. As expected, he has not been very much help. He is pushing a Catholic high school down her throat for next year and we are at odds about it. I'm not making any decision about where she's going to school next year until she see her counselor more. She is so dead set against going that she will probably do anything and everything to try to get kicked out. She's stewing about it and bringing it up to me every chance she gets. Before all this, she was going to the public high school in our district and it took a lot of me talking to her dad to let her go. She kinda blew all that up and I have pointed this out to her many times.

Our communication has not been damaged too much. I have calmed down a lot over the weeks. She has done nothing that I didn't do when growing up BUT I had not just turned 14 either, I was a few years older. The biggest issue is the TRUST is gone and she is going to have to do a lot of work for me to have that back. Other than school she has not been out of my sight.

I really feel she has a lot to deal with and have asked her to look atseeing this counselor as an OPPORTUNITY. Even though it has been six years since I left her dad, she still seems to harbor anger about it. She still blames the divorce for her "not being normal" and being the way she is. She also feels that if she went to public school and not a catholic school it would help her be normal. There are not many divorced parents at the school she has attended since kindergarten and she claims when the divorce happened everyone there treated her different.

As far as MY life, it is of course on hold and yeah, it's getting to me. She complains that I have taken her freedom away and I very quickly remind her that my freedom is gone also. In my eyes, maturity wise, she is not 14 yrs old but 8 yrs old. The manager at the store where I work pt. time has put me on "family leave". I can still go back if I want. I haven't decided this yet. I miss it and even though I have been assured by family members that my DD could stay with them while I'm working. having to take her and pick her up somehow takes away from the whole thing. I used this pt. time job as something just for me. The extra $$ is nice, but I mainly worked (very easy work I might add) for the social aspect. On the other hand, it has slowed me down and I'm enjoying that also. And maybe all of this with DD was a sign for me to slow down. During the confrontation with her dad, he was telling DD that "your mother is not going back to work at that pt. time job" so by him telling her that the spiteful nature in me is rising. He was dictating what I can and cannot do....really ticked me off! But it's always been this way between us. Got news for him, I will do what I want to do. He is not going to tell me I can't go back to work if I want to. Also with the private high school...I will be the one shuttling her around. He uses the excuse that he has to work so he wouldn't be able to take her. I have to work too! Even though there are other kids she could carpool with, when it would be my turn to drive, I would have to leave at 6 a.m. to be back to the office by 8 then have to turn around in the afternoon and leave the office at 2....I can't do that! What a moron! Did he stop to think it's a 45 minute drive one way...h*** no! Felt like ripping his sorry head off his neck and still do.

On another note, been pretty proud of myself that I have resisted calling the guy I was seeing just to talk. He was so easy to talk to and he would hug me in a way that made you feel that everything will be okay. In this regard I am missing him but have resisted the urge.

So that's my update....social life on a hold for now.

Sharon

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 8:53am

Wow Sharon, sounds like you have a lot to deal with but are going along very well as best you can and that you have your priorities in order.

I agree with you that you should not let your exh dictate what you do. I guess your decisions will have to be based on what is best for you and your DD for both job and school. I think a PT job can add a lot to your self esteem and only you can decide what you should do with that - if it still allows you to spend enough time with DD it could be okay. Often times things go a little better when we have some things to do for ourselves as moms and our kids have to be a little self sufficient but at the same time if she is a teen and needs more supervision that is a strong consideration at this point.

With regards to schools, I wonder if she can go and visit both schools and see which one is best for her? On one hand I think a private school can have a better atmosphere and more discipline, but on the other hand I do think her feelings of being an outcast because of the divorce are not to be ignored. I also think that a 45 minute drive one way is a lot. It would be hard for her to be involved in many good extra curricular activities and to have the companionship of friends who live close to the school. It would be hard on you day after day. I attended a HS that was over 30 minutes from my house and could not attend or be involved in any activities. My parents pushed me to work and my whole life revolved around working in a restaurant, having an older BF and partying with that crowd instead of enjoying so many of the school activities. I think if my parents were more dedicated to me being involved in school rather than having the message of work because we don't pay for this or that it would have had a profound impact on my earlier years. Although I did end up doing very well down that career path. The only other choice was a public school and I don't think I would have had a good of a set of friends. It is a hard choice for sure.

I think the one thing I have the most regret about for my divorce is for the impact it has had on my DS. I feel bad that he has to deal with the whole broken family thing and that his dad does the same things to hurt him that he did to me - I feel like I should have chosen a much better man to be his dad. And I do grant him special privileges and take his feelings into consideration and help him as I can to make the situation easier. I guess what I am trying to say is I know your pain.

Good luck and keep us posted!




Edited 12/3/2007 9:11 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 12:45pm

With the ex it's nothing new. Everything is how it effects him and I always had to take care of everything because "he has to work". He has always been very selfish in this way, wants things done HIS way but someone else to take care of it. His excuse of having to work is a bunch of bull, know that for a fact. He has even used that when she is suppose to stay with him.

As far as my part time job, I'm really undecided. The free time has been kind of nice actually and I have been getting lots done around the house that I had ignored. Not anything major just small piddly things.

The private school decision is not being made by me yet. And you are exactly right that she will miss out on a lot of extracirrular activities that she may want to explore. This has been one of my points to her dad all along. Another of my points to him that being the type of kid she is, if she's unhappy, she's not going to do as well with her studies. I told her last night that I don't know if I'm going to be able to talk her dad into letting her go to public high school after what she has pulled. I had him talked into it. Personally, I do think she would be better off in public school and if nothing else I could hold the private school over her head to make sure she keeps herself clean and does well in the public high school. At any rate, I'm not making any decision right now until she sees the counselor more and have advised her dad of this. I still have some time before next school year.

Sharon...wishing there was an attitude adjustment knob on her daughter's head, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 3:51pm

About the Catholic shcool thing - I too was FORCED to go to one in HS, after being in

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 5:06pm

It's so nice to hear from you, and how things are going. It sounds tough, the decision about your DDs school, the pressure from Ex, your DDs general feelings. But I am glad that things are going a little better, a bit calmer.


I wish I could advise on the Catholic school versus public. On one hand I understand why your ex wants here there. But, I have to agree with you and your DD that as judgemental as it sounds, it is true that she will find less girls she can relate to there, at least up front.

~Pacific~