Things rolling down hill........

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Things rolling down hill........
27
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:14pm

OK, looks like I don't have to worry about this weekends softball issue, because a turn of events has made me consider cutting my losses.

M and I have known each other for a little over 3 months, but exclusive over 2. You kind of get to that point after that, that you start thinking about the next course of the relationship. The first 3 months you date, the second 3-6 months you start taking a further step into the relationship and realizing the good the bad the ugly and if you can accept it. 6-9 months you are making plans and 9-12 you pretty much know if you want to be with this person a long time or not. I mean, this isn't how it always is, but basically when you talk to married couples, they knew each other a year and then got engaged and a year later, got married. So that would total a complete 2 years.

Anyway.........

Over the great weekend we had, I of course got to thinking about all the differences but one thing I didn't talk about on the thread (and maybe this is why it got me to thinking) was the fact that we discussed where we see each other. M was going on about how when he sells his house (in a year) that he would like us to find one together and asked me about the kind of house I wanted, we wanted, etc. Just talk, but talk about our future and that he was planning on wanting to buy something with me to call ours. Then he said, he saw us together forever and that is why he wanted me in Florida, to meet his best friend. It made me feel like he saw us together for a long time which I think initially brought me to thinking about our relationship as it progresses, how we fit and don't. So we spent a lot of time cuddling this weekend and talking about us. Welll..... yesterday after my thread to you all, I called him and he told me that they put an offer on the house, one he can't refuse. I wouldn't have been able to refuse it either. But he did counter offer and told me he would tell me what would happen. A commerical realitor was interested for building development. Anyway, I don't hear from him and I gave him a quick call later after work and he tells me they accepted the offer and he's been on the phone with his girls, his parents, etc. He'll call me back.
Ok, that slightly jabbed me in the heart. Not only did he not tell me about the offer until I called, but then he called everyone else first about when he did take the offer. Maybe that is bratty of me, but after our initial conversations over the weekend and lately, I just kind of felt a little stab.

Sooooo... moving right along... he calls me back and tells me that he and the girls have to quickly find a new house within the next 2 months. That they will be going online tonight and start looking where they want to live and the stuff the realitor sent them. How the 3 of them have so much to do now, etc etc etc....

silence.........

no comment......

I guess I just wanted a relationship that was slow moving and the things we talked about this weekend. Suddenly, I feel totally out of the equation. As if I don't exist. I know it's his excitement and him and the girls finally having something larger and better and being able to afford more now, because of the huge extra chunk he got. However, I guess I wouldn't feel so left out if we never discussed us in that way. Finding something together in a year, yada, yada, yada. I kind of gave up thinking of moving or doing anything on my own because he asked me too give us a chance and I did. Now he's moving along without even a thought. I told him I can see him being pretty busy now with everything and he said, "Well, once the girls and I make a decision, I'll need help." No thanks.

Ok, so no, I don't expect myself to be included with someone I have only known a couple of months and no I don't expect to have a say so or anything else, but I guess it just was a blow that one minute he's talking about US, our future and the next thing I know I'm out of the equation for anything that we did talk about.

I know those things might not be important for some people, but I always hoped that one day I would have a partner that I could build something with together. We'd move into a place together. We talked about it being Alex's last year in middle school before I have to decide to move permanetly for at least the next 4 years for her high school. We talked about discussing that next spring, if we are still together. Well, now that isn't going to happen.
No, he won't move again in a year, no he won't rent, yes, he is going to find the right place that he and HIS girls want. Not what I might want, or the girls and doing it as a team. And you know what? It's his total right to do that and he totally deserves it. I have no right to expect anything, but I suddenly just feel like everything we talked about was a crock and I am highly considering, after 3 months to finally just cut my losses and go my own path again, as I had initially planned, without him. It's all about him and his unit right now and my and my unit is left out. That is ok, but I am not going to bend over backwards for anymore softball games, anymore family play time and I am just going to go my own way. I know he's excited, I am reallly happy for him, but honestly, I am going to be mean and selfish and be honest that: I don't want to hear about his and his girls new house.

Honestly, I think we've met our fork in the road. I had this exact topic with him and he said he wasn't going to sell that house overnight. Whatever.
I guess it's seriously time for me to just give it all up and realize that I'm either to early or to late in every relationship. I can't just have a normal freaking relationship where things just run their course, you plan, you dream you do things together, build things together and just make your home feel like a unit. I want to have a place with someone that I move into that allows me to choose my kitchen, my furniture, my colors on the wall and sign on that dotted line. Not move into someone's already owned house. To me it always feels like theirs, not ours.

I don't know why it upsets me so much, because I hardly know the guy, but I guess it's just the conversations we've had and how things can just change so quickly in less then 24 hours.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:45pm

I can understand how you would feel left out. But I really think you are overthinking it and rushing it. I think you just have a jolt of being bummed out because on one hand he says all this stuff about you and then he sells his house and is doing something good for him - but it is too soon for him to do anything else really - and how do you know that what he chooses is not going to be good for all - you have to wait and see.

I think relationships take time - you have to speak your mind and set boundaries - and then wait for them to take effect. Like with the softball thing - you have to say you don't want to go and then work it out that you are doing something better for you while he is doing it - that takes time and doesn't happen automatically.

But in 2 years when you really know him you can rethink all the real estate stuff. I think this is just something that popped up and he has to sell and get something. I don't think you should put a set schedule on this - especially with the blended family challenge. So I think this is a blessing to slow you down.

I don't think you should throw it out. Just enjoy it for however long you can and see where it goes on its own. Don't be in a rush to run down the aisle.

I hope I help you okay.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 1:20pm

I don't think it's the rushing down the aisle. It was the idea of going slow and things just progressing with time. We only talked about moving in possibly next summer so that Alex wouldn't have to change schools again once going into High School. It is just something we touched based on and agreed that she didn't need to change schools again, before going to College. I think I shouldn't allowed us to have that sort of conversation but I guess at the time it just felt nice to know what he was thinking.

When we left things on Sunday, he said I would see him sooner then he thought. Next thing I know, he can "squeeze" me in on Friday, because he's booked otherwise with the house. We haven't been apart that long since the end of April. We have seen one another 4-5 times a week otherwise.

I don't think I will break it off, but I think I will let it runs its course and I am going to lay very low. I'm not going to talk this week, because I am just really upset right now with how things can change so much. I don't do well with change. I won't be going anywhere with them this weekend. Screw anyone's schedule and softball, etc. I need to get away and do my own thing. I've had enough. I feel like I've bent over backwards, with his kids and his priorities and now this comes up and suddenly I am completely on the back burner. Which is fine, but I can do that too. It's my turn and I need my time. Girls are away and I have no one else to hold accountable for except for me.

Again, I agree this is a very hectic time, he needs to do this, he's excited, girls are excited and priorities are different now. That's awesome for him. I'm happy about this happening for them. I know it doesn't sound that way, but I am. Only thing is, I am going to start getting my priorities and my life back because mine are too.

Let's see how a little silence works for both of us. Maybe my jets will be cool or maybe I will start taking some serious thought process on the overall picture. I don't want to force myself into a relationship anymore by sticking to something that I feel just doesn't work for me. I don't want to be in a relationship that I don't see isn't going anywhere or progressing. I want to see things moving forward, not halting. Right now, I feel like it's at a halt and that is partially my fault, I should have forced the issue of pacing us slower and not allow myself to get caught in the moment.

However, it's not to late and doing my own thing now will just make it or break it.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 3:14pm

And another thought: Yes, you are right.. Their are underlying issues that have been in the back of my head. I haven't swept them under the rug that is why I brought up yesterdays thread.

This time will give me some real consideration regarding:

His X and the constant consistant crap with that. Its like she still acts like she's married to M and he lets her walk all over him. I just remain silent.

His X's husband who I do not want around my children and definitely not around me

The constant softball games that last all year around several times a week. And his X wife coaches them as an assistant coach too.

Living out in the middle of the sticks where life is so extremely different. I feel so alien.

And some of our extreme backgrounds. Which is the least of it. I can't say enough how wonderful he is, but I have to put up with the other stuff day in and day out. It's already unnerving for me and I have such a hard time talking to him about it. He doesn't see any of it as an issue and he gets upset (silent type) when I don't want to go to those places with him. If he would accept that I don't want to attend those games, then most of our problems would be solved, because I wouldn't have to deal with the X as much, her husband, the constant games and the extreme racist mentality of the people in that area.

So you might be right. It may all come as a blessing. It's just very hurtful and I'm very sad, because I care so much about him as a person. He's been wonderful, but sometimes his stubborness doesn't allow him to accept our differences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 4:25pm

I totally agree with what you write here about how you feel. Those ARE "love busters" so to speak.

It doesn't seem that he is willing to address your concerns and the things that make you unhappy. So maybe it is time for a little break - for you to gather your thoughts and for him to miss you over the weekend and think about how much you mean to him and then maybe he will listen and be willing to work on those.

I think he needs to realize that you are serious about these things. And I think you can come up with a solution together - but the most important thing is that he has to want to find a solution.

Just chill for now and enjoy your time alone - go and spoil yourself or do something you really love.

I send you a hug. You have done so well. And good things will come to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 5:24pm

I can completly see how you would feel like things had halted. When you get your expectations up and kind of "plan" out how things should go it's very disappointing to have any kink in the line.

Take some time for yourself but also try to think if you were in his position. Dating for 3 months or so, kids, a great offer on your house...if the tables were turned you may have acted the exact same way. It seems like he is focused on getting comfortable with his kids which may open up MORE doors for him to be more forward thinking in a relationship.

Don't forget that there are allowances for something bigger and better in the future even if our internal plans didn't match up exactly with the reality of life.

Good luck, I hope you do something great for yourself this weekend :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 6:59pm
I wouldn't get discouraged about your guy buying a house. If you rush him into moving in together you'll only make him dig in his heels. Men don't like having their freedom threatened. If you don't like going to the softball games then simply don't go. Tell him you have other plans and that you'll meet up after. Believe me it works!! I did that this weekend with my BF and he was very appreciative of me when we did meet up and I felt soooooooooo much better not feeling like I was his lap dog all weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 8:52pm
It sounds like taking a bit of a step back is the right thing for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:31pm

Good post - and I agree. And Kat - are you still there? I just thought of one perk - the exwife is not going to get a key and barge in! HOpefully anyway. And you are going to get a lot more time to see if he and his family are right for you. They say it is best to go very slow when you are in a blended family situation. This will give you a lot of time to focus on you and your girls and not rush. And you can see if you two can take your time to work out your differences - it does take time to work out major stuff like that.

Also, I was hoping that his move might take him farther away from the exw and her creepy hubby?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:05am

His move may even take him out of the country (not USA but closer to town). Lots to think about. I like living in town too and wouldn't want to drive an extra 10 miles to work. Also neighborhoods are great when you have kids. Built in friends (well if all the stupid retired people ever move) for them is usually a big plus. It is also nice to have someone close by when you need something (5yo locks storm door and everyone is outside) like a phone or a cup of sugar.

Take it slow. Let him know how you feel. If softball is a big part of their life, then it will be something that you will need to think about as well. I don't think you will have to go to every game but still.

Priscilla

(BTW - I'm in NC and have eliminated people simply because they seemed too country so I certainly understand many of your points. I'm a relocated mid-western girl so maybe that makes it even harder)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:11am

The one thing is: if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd take the offer in a minute. I know that, I have told him that. I am extremely happy for him/ his children and the timing is no one's fault. It is just bad timing. But it made me realize how quickly someone can move along without you. My feelings have been hurt. That's all. Kind of a burst of the bubble, but it made me realize that I just have to continue with my plans and the things that I have wanted to do for my girls.

Guys are horrible at this, but in all honesty, if I would have been him, I would have ensured that he talked to me about it once he heard the news. The reason he didn't call, is because he knew that I would be upset and that what he said wouldn't happen, happened and he was blowing smoke in my ear. Doesn't matter if he meant it or not, it's the principal. Instead he should have called and said we need to figure something out and talk. Reassure me. Not act as if I suddenly no longer matter or exist.

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