Things rolling down hill........

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Things rolling down hill........
27
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:14pm

OK, looks like I don't have to worry about this weekends softball issue, because a turn of events has made me consider cutting my losses.

M and I have known each other for a little over 3 months, but exclusive over 2. You kind of get to that point after that, that you start thinking about the next course of the relationship. The first 3 months you date, the second 3-6 months you start taking a further step into the relationship and realizing the good the bad the ugly and if you can accept it. 6-9 months you are making plans and 9-12 you pretty much know if you want to be with this person a long time or not. I mean, this isn't how it always is, but basically when you talk to married couples, they knew each other a year and then got engaged and a year later, got married. So that would total a complete 2 years.

Anyway.........

Over the great weekend we had, I of course got to thinking about all the differences but one thing I didn't talk about on the thread (and maybe this is why it got me to thinking) was the fact that we discussed where we see each other. M was going on about how when he sells his house (in a year) that he would like us to find one together and asked me about the kind of house I wanted, we wanted, etc. Just talk, but talk about our future and that he was planning on wanting to buy something with me to call ours. Then he said, he saw us together forever and that is why he wanted me in Florida, to meet his best friend. It made me feel like he saw us together for a long time which I think initially brought me to thinking about our relationship as it progresses, how we fit and don't. So we spent a lot of time cuddling this weekend and talking about us. Welll..... yesterday after my thread to you all, I called him and he told me that they put an offer on the house, one he can't refuse. I wouldn't have been able to refuse it either. But he did counter offer and told me he would tell me what would happen. A commerical realitor was interested for building development. Anyway, I don't hear from him and I gave him a quick call later after work and he tells me they accepted the offer and he's been on the phone with his girls, his parents, etc. He'll call me back.
Ok, that slightly jabbed me in the heart. Not only did he not tell me about the offer until I called, but then he called everyone else first about when he did take the offer. Maybe that is bratty of me, but after our initial conversations over the weekend and lately, I just kind of felt a little stab.

Sooooo... moving right along... he calls me back and tells me that he and the girls have to quickly find a new house within the next 2 months. That they will be going online tonight and start looking where they want to live and the stuff the realitor sent them. How the 3 of them have so much to do now, etc etc etc....

silence.........

no comment......

I guess I just wanted a relationship that was slow moving and the things we talked about this weekend. Suddenly, I feel totally out of the equation. As if I don't exist. I know it's his excitement and him and the girls finally having something larger and better and being able to afford more now, because of the huge extra chunk he got. However, I guess I wouldn't feel so left out if we never discussed us in that way. Finding something together in a year, yada, yada, yada. I kind of gave up thinking of moving or doing anything on my own because he asked me too give us a chance and I did. Now he's moving along without even a thought. I told him I can see him being pretty busy now with everything and he said, "Well, once the girls and I make a decision, I'll need help." No thanks.

Ok, so no, I don't expect myself to be included with someone I have only known a couple of months and no I don't expect to have a say so or anything else, but I guess it just was a blow that one minute he's talking about US, our future and the next thing I know I'm out of the equation for anything that we did talk about.

I know those things might not be important for some people, but I always hoped that one day I would have a partner that I could build something with together. We'd move into a place together. We talked about it being Alex's last year in middle school before I have to decide to move permanetly for at least the next 4 years for her high school. We talked about discussing that next spring, if we are still together. Well, now that isn't going to happen.
No, he won't move again in a year, no he won't rent, yes, he is going to find the right place that he and HIS girls want. Not what I might want, or the girls and doing it as a team. And you know what? It's his total right to do that and he totally deserves it. I have no right to expect anything, but I suddenly just feel like everything we talked about was a crock and I am highly considering, after 3 months to finally just cut my losses and go my own path again, as I had initially planned, without him. It's all about him and his unit right now and my and my unit is left out. That is ok, but I am not going to bend over backwards for anymore softball games, anymore family play time and I am just going to go my own way. I know he's excited, I am reallly happy for him, but honestly, I am going to be mean and selfish and be honest that: I don't want to hear about his and his girls new house.

Honestly, I think we've met our fork in the road. I had this exact topic with him and he said he wasn't going to sell that house overnight. Whatever.
I guess it's seriously time for me to just give it all up and realize that I'm either to early or to late in every relationship. I can't just have a normal freaking relationship where things just run their course, you plan, you dream you do things together, build things together and just make your home feel like a unit. I want to have a place with someone that I move into that allows me to choose my kitchen, my furniture, my colors on the wall and sign on that dotted line. Not move into someone's already owned house. To me it always feels like theirs, not ours.

I don't know why it upsets me so much, because I hardly know the guy, but I guess it's just the conversations we've had and how things can just change so quickly in less then 24 hours.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:14am
Yes, you are right. I just need some space and a break. This whole situation has been an extreme damper. I'm hoping as some time goes by, I will be better.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:20am

I honestly think she will get a key and it'll be the same old thing. M also is planning on staying in the area because of the girls schools. No change their. All stays the same, so it just gives me a lot more to think about.
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He wrote me an email last night that I read this morning that read:

Catherine,

I’m just letting you know I got your e-mail. It will take me a while to digest everything you had to say. I’ll call you as soon as I can figure out what to say. Sorry but this whole thing really confuses me. I’m afraid if I called without putting some thought to what I would say it might make things worse than what they are.

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Thoughts?

I definitely know I won't be waiting by the phone. It could take awhile for him to respond. I could dissect it all in front of him and he would still be confused and not understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:14pm

Well, he has to think about what you said. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and say how you feel. I think the whole softball thing and dealing with his exw and her creepy husband just flipped you out. In addition to his stonewalling. So time away is good.

What did you say in your email? (I don't remember reading that in this thread but if you did post it please forgive me!)

This is what dating is about - to get to know the other person and see if you can live with who they are and what they are about and how you relate to each other and fit into each other's lives.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:29pm

No, you didn't miss the email. I sent him one after much thought. Basically a very clear email of how I felt and that I had things to think about. That the reason I need space, is that I do not want to say something without putting a lot of thought into this. Nothing about blaming anyone, or it being anyone's fault, etc. I mentioned this was all bad timing, but if their was a fault, then it may be me who misconstrued or assumed a few things by the things he said and told me, without asking point blank what he meant; I assumed. That we possibly could be on a different page, but that I assumed we weren't. Therefore that would be my fault. I mentioned how I felt regarding recent events, and what my feelings were and why they were that way. So no blaming, fault or finger pointing. However, I also mentioned that I felt that his X wife seems to have her fingers in his life, much more then how he painted the picture in the beginning. That she allowed herself to take quite a few liberties that I felt, as a divorced couple, were unacceptable. That I felt, due to observation, that she acts as if they were married.(I have half a dozen examples regarding this if he needed them.) I did not say that he did that or that he was to blame, I just made sure that he understood my observation of her, not of him.
But all in all, no mention of the softball games, no mention of the cringing horrible feelings I get of the whole X and her husband.

I told him several times how happy I was for him and the children, how much they deserved everything. That this was their time and they deserved it....

Judy, everything has changed... including all of our summer plans. He has to get out of his home in less then 2 months, close on a home himself, etc. I have moved 23 times in my life, so I know the stress of what he will be going through.

I wrote him that I felt that he knew all of Monday, emailed me the entire day and didn't mention once that he recieved that call, the offer, the counter offer and then last end took the offer (that was an all day process and he didn't mention it once through email or text messages?). That I had to call him, for him to finally tell me, but he told everyone else first? I told him that I found that odd and strange, due to the fact that he has told me everything important that ever happens. From him calling me in a panic and rushing to the hospital because his mother had an accident, or something with the girls, his troubles and then something as important as this, he avoids me like the plague. That his reaction, has also caused me great confusion and therefore, I have become very unsure where I fit into all of this right now; if at all. That I need to figure that out. That I felt like I didn't know where to proceed or how to proceed and that is why I needed the space that I requested and why I had to think about a lot of things.

So their ya go and that was why he responded the way he did.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:38pm

I relocated from Germany after 10 years, so it makes it all the worse! HEHEHE. But you understand what I mean then regarding the men. They are just sometimes wayyyyy to redneck for me. I don't mind a little, but when it's just down right trashy, I draw the line. Where in NC do you live? I live in Charlotte, but like to spend my summer weekends in Wilmington.

M and his lovely family (his oldest dd, mom, dad, sister) are country; but not redneck and definitely NOT trashy, but his X and her husband definitely are and I see a little of that in his youngest DD (probably rubbing off of good old mom), which I hope is a teenage phase. They just make my skin crawl. And I find it sad that I have to think about our relationship, because I know I will and my children will always have to associate with poeple like that. So much to think about. It gets so complicating when it gets so blended. geesh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:15pm

Okay- see what he says - and keep us posted - and do stuff for you.

It appears to me like a bomb got dropped in your lap. Like he talks one talk but walks another walk. I see your point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:24pm
I moved from NY to Florida last year and I can totally relate to what you're saying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:02am
I used to live in Tampa so I SO know what you mean!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:04am

I had an encouraging thought for you - sometimes when you just let things be, they sort themselves out. I think if you go off and do stuff that is fun for you and give this time you might be surprised in a good way.

What are you going to do for the weekend? Do you have anything fun planned for you? Even if it is just you it can be good. I have spent many weekends by myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet so much.

Keep us posted!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:26am
I'm not sure what my plans will be this weekend. I may go to the beach to get away. I don't know. I think it depends on my conversation with M. If you read my new thread, you can see the continuing saga. I just feel very empty and depleted right now. Very confused and he is too. But he knows my thoughts and I don't know any of his, so I wish that we will finally be able to try to touch base tonight instead of on a Friday where it hits on a weekend. I don't want to have to figure everything out, but I would like to know what his thoughts are and give me time to think about them.