Think I found the right place!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Think I found the right place!
8
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:13am

Hi everyone! I'm new here. My name is Lisa. I have been doing the single mother thing for a little over a year now. My x walked out 3 days before Christmas 2005. We have 4 children together, Tatum (7), Olivia (5), Claire (2) and Tucker (9 months). At some point I'll tell you the whole long drawn out saga of my divorce, which still isn't final. Right now I am just happy that I have found a place to talk to other women in the same situation who are trying to figure out how to manage single motherhood with dating and relationships.

At this point in my life I am trying to get past all the bitterness toward my x and all the residual feelings I have. I am in a relationship with someone new, but there are so many left over feelings and trust issues that I don't know if I can really give this new guy a *real* chance. I don't know if I believe in love anymore. Can there really be a happily ever after? I mean, if my x can walk out after 10 years and leave me with 3 kids and 4 1/2 months pregnant with our only son, then how could a man that has no "investment", no reason to stay and work things out, want to stay and and make things work when things get tuff?

The new guy, Mike, says he loves me. Says he wants to be with me. Last night asked me when my divorce would be final. I told him probably next month. He hasn't really ever asked me about it before, so I asked him if it bothered him. He said "Well, you can't get married, if you already are." WOW! I was floored. He has beat around the bush about us getting more serious plenty of times, but I would always refer back to "I'm already married!" or I'll never get married again. I never thought it really bothered him or that he was really looking at this as getting to that point. I guess the question is Do I love him. Yeah, I do. I try to deny it. I use any excuse in the world to get angry with him or start a fight. I guess I figure if I hurt him first he can't hurt me. Truth is, I am absolutely head over heals in love with him. My phone has a special ring for him and when he calls my heart skips a beat. When he walks in the front door I just want to run into his arms and stay there. It feels so good to be with him. Another thing I worry about with Mike is, is this a rebound relationship? Did I just fall for him because I was hurt so bad and he made me feel good again? I have dated a few other guys since my son was born in May, but none gave me this feeling.

When my x and I got married I wasn't in love with him, I did love him, but the truth is I was in love with someone else. I choose my x because it was sensible. He was more mature, stable and I thought he would take care of me, always be there for me. I grew to love my x more and more each day. I eventually fell in love with him again. It was easy because he was actually a good guy. Now with Mike, there is no growing to love or growing in love. I fell in love with him. I tried so hard not to and I really don't want to be, but I am. I am also afraid I am going to get hurt again.

I don't know what to do. I hope to get some good advice and support here. I hope this wasn't too long winded or TMI for a first post. I just really need someone to talk to and I don't really talk to anyone here. I have friends and family, but that is another story for another day.

It's getting late here, so I need to go to bed. I have to get up at 4:30 am to get me and the kids ready for work.

Avatar for roxanne2020
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 1:02pm

I must say that I feel the same exact way....After what I went through with my son's father, I didn't think that I can trust someone again...the thing is I still don't know, he walked out on me when he found out I was pregnant, and it was planned, I've always thought if he didn't want to be with us then why would some other man??? When my son won't be blood, you know??? So this time I want to be more prepared, I barely met someone last week (first time dating in 3 years!!! if we get to even go on a date lol), so this time around I want to finish school, get my own place, and know that I can handle my own stuff financially..my son and i are staying with my parents until i finish my degree as for now i'm a hairstylist....so dating for me is fine, but my son, my goals, myself, we come first...and if this happens to me again, i want to be ok.
And i also think that's one of the reasons why I hadn't found anyone I'd like enough to give a chance too, I was still so mad, barely now am I letting go of the anger, pain, and the grudge I had on FOB, because for the longest time I've been feeling like the life I'm leading shouldn't be this way, i didn't plan it this way, and he walked out, but now...I realize it's for the best, and it's taken me years to get to where I'm at rite now.

I'm sure you'll find a great support system, and friendly ladies to look for advice from...look forward to hearing more from you.

 

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:26pm

Hi day2daymom;


Welcome to the board. My X also walked out on me, but that was X-mas Eve 2000 and since then, so did another X boyfriend and my father when I was 8. Something about X-mas is just not very lucky for me, when it comes to love. They are always best when it's just my kids and myself.


I am glad you found us. WOW! 4 Kids! That is alot of energy around you! I don't think we've had anyone on the board lately, that has had 4. Most of

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:10pm

Welcome to our board - and yes - you did find the right place. We are always so happy to have new people join in our discussions.

Sorry to hear about the pain and disappointment you had when your ex walked out when you were pregnant and right before xmas to boot. That must have been hard.

Usually we say that you should take time after a divorce to get yourself back together.

I am not sure how you can trust someone again after such a disappointment. I can tell you how I would tend to want to look at it. First of all, I think I would want to just get through the divorce and get life for you and the kids back on track - that should be your focus. Because the only person in the world you can ever depend on 100% all the time is yourself. If you get things good for you and the kids then that is what matters. You don't have to depend on someone else.

It is great that he loves you and that you love him. But do you feel that you are really over what happened in your marriage? Do you know what went wrong? Can you forgive your exh and allow a stable relationship to ensue so that he and the children will be able to flourish in their relationship? Can enough time pass so that you see the purpose of a failed marriage and divorce in your life? Maybe it is to make you stronger? Maybe it is to bring you someone better?

Make sure you are working on these things. Because when you get over the past then you can be ready to trust again.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:14am

Bravo Judy! Very well said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:59pm

Mike and I have been seeing each other off and on for about 8 months. It has just gotten more serious in about the last 3 months. I started dating again right after my son was born. It was about 6 months after xh walked out. I was so depressed sitting around the house, I thought no one is ever going to want to date someone with 4 kids. When guys started asking me out I was so shocked! Mike was actually one of the first to ask me. I told him I wasn't ready for that. He said that was fine, as long as we could be friends. The first couple of months we were seeing each other it was more as just friends. It developed from there.

We are taking it slow. He has a bed divorce about 7 years ago and has really been "gun shy" about relationships since then. Neither one of us wants to ever get hurt like that again. Both of our kids just think we are just friends. Most of both of our family's think we are just friends. It is easier right now that was, especially for me. My dad is really protective over me and the kids because of what I went thru. He has been there for everything and knows exactly what I've been thru. I don't think anyone would be good enough in his eyes, not at this point.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here. I can't wait to get to know everyone here!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:26pm

I do feel like I have my life together. I have worked very hard at getting things back on track. We have a stable home, the kids have a good routine. Mike doesn't interfere with me doing what I have to do to "get it together." There are still small inconsistentsies that I need to figure out, but I feel like I have all the basics down. I don't depend on anyone for anything. I found out thru my eh walking out that no one would always be there for me, but me.

I know there are still unresolved feelings of resentment, hate, grief, etc. when it comes to my xh. I spent the first 5 months after he left looking back, trying to figure out what went wrong. I have even told him that I can take my part of the responsiblity for our marriage going down the tubes. XH and I have talked numerous times about it, he still places all the blame on my shoulders. I took it like that a long time, then I read every book I could get my hands on, I talked to a counsler, I talked to friends, my preacher and I realized that it takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to break a marriage. Xh hasn't dealt yet with his part in what happened to us and although I have excepted my part I still have work to do on fixing the things I did wrong. Our main issue right now is the kids. Xh still isn't doing right by them in my eyes. His excuse is that he doesn't have the $$. He pays too much to me in child support. I can't help him with that, I have to be able to raise the kids and provide for them all the time. He only sees them everyother weekend. I do want him to have a good relationship with his kids. I would love for him to see them more. I have told him I will do anything that will make it easier for him to spend more time with them. I actually volunteered to take them to him and pick them up on Wed.'s. He still doesn't want to see them. He says right now he has to make sure that his girlfriend and her kid are doing ok and are adjusting to living with him.

I am just taking things one day at a time right now, both with Mike and xh. I do love Mike, but jumping in and going head long into a deep relationship with anyone is too scary. I am waiting to see what the future holds. Back when xh and I first split up I was driving home and praying...asking God what was going on. Asking what I was waiting for (xh kept telling me he needed time and give him space), all the basic questions you need answers for when you go thru this. I don't think God has ever actually spoken to me before, but that day driving home I heard him. Loud and clear in my car all alone, crying my eyes out, thinking that life would be easier if I would just die, I heard God. All he said was "Better things are yet to come." Those 6 words have gotten me thru the roughest times in the last year. I do know if I am patient and trust those words that God will bring better things into my life. Patients is just not my specialty! :0) I

Lisa

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 3:46pm

Hi Lisa,


Thanks for your reply! You are right, nothing is better then taking it nice and easy. Sounds as if Mike also had to come along way. I'm glad you are happy. Welcome to the board again!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 8:07am

"Better things are yet to come."

That is always what I tell myself too.

You sound very sweet and I think you will do just fine. Just keep taking things one day at a time and pretty soon you will be in a whole better place.

It is great that you found our board!! We look forward to many more of your posts.

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