Thinking About Living Together
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Thinking About Living Together
| Wed, 04-25-2007 - 4:14pm |
I'm new here. I wanted to get some feedback from others in my situation. I have been divorced almost 4 years. I have a 14 year old son who lives with me and stays with his father every other weekend and one week night a week.I have been dating the same man for 2 1/2 years. This is a serious commited relationship on both our parts.
My man and I are considering having him move in with us. He has a teenage daughter who does not live with him. Because of work, kids, and the 1 hour commute between us, we don't have enough time together and I really do not need or want to be married again.
Anyone out there who has done this?
Any advice?
How did you tell your kids/families? (My son keeps his feeling pretty much to himself, but always seems happy and adjusted to the divorce well. My boyfirend and my son get along in a polite kind of way.)
How do I help my boyfriend feel welcome in a home that may not be his (I own my own very small 2 bedroom home) and help him feel comfortable with the domestic responsibilities of my life with a child?
Any tips for helping my son adjust to having an almost stranger living in his home?
They will both be in need of their own time with me - any thoughts?
Thanks for your insights!
My man and I are considering having him move in with us. He has a teenage daughter who does not live with him. Because of work, kids, and the 1 hour commute between us, we don't have enough time together and I really do not need or want to be married again.
Anyone out there who has done this?
Any advice?
How did you tell your kids/families? (My son keeps his feeling pretty much to himself, but always seems happy and adjusted to the divorce well. My boyfirend and my son get along in a polite kind of way.)
How do I help my boyfriend feel welcome in a home that may not be his (I own my own very small 2 bedroom home) and help him feel comfortable with the domestic responsibilities of my life with a child?
Any tips for helping my son adjust to having an almost stranger living in his home?
They will both be in need of their own time with me - any thoughts?
Thanks for your insights!

Welcome!!
I cant respond to the living in idea, havent been there or done that yet. But, I was curious as to whether your son and bf see each other much (you said they get along in a polite kind of way)? Have you spent much time together in a family sort of way? Have you asked him (your son) how he would feel about it? Ultimately it is your and your bf decision, but you may get a feel for how "welcome" your bf would feel, based on your sons response. I would think that would be the more difficult obstacle in the comfort level of moving in together.
Just my thoughts, though I am not there yet.
--tj
Hi there and welcome! You've come to the right place, since the ladies here will undoubtedly give you lots of advice! here's mine:
Your son is definitely old enough to have an opinion and be asked what it is. You don't have to allow him to rule the roost, in fact, I advise against it, but ask him what his concerns would be should the BF move in, and really listen to what he has to say. Answer the questions you can, have your BF help answer the ones you can't answer alone, and be honest with your son.
Since you own the house, have you discussed financial arrangements? Will he pay you rent, split the mortgage, be responsible for utilities, how will he contribute to the household?
How will he contribute in other ways? Will he be responsible for the dishes? Cooking? Lawn care?
Does he agree with and can he support your parenting style? What will his duties regarding discipline, care for, and general contact with your son be? At his age, your son probably doesn't need someone watching him twenty four hours a day, but will everyone be comfortable with you leaving the two of them home while you run for milk? If not, why not? What about extra curricular activites? Are you going to expect your BF to go to games and school events? Is your son? Is your BF?
These are just a few of the things I thought of immediately, and there aren't really any right answers. They are simply things I think all people should think about and discuss before moving in together. It doesn't matter if you and I agree, but it does matter if you and your BF agree.
I have lived with a boyfriend who wasn't married to me, nor was he the father of my children, and because we didn't discuss and make our expectations on ANY of the above issues known and clear ahead of time, the relationship was a disaster. It would have been a disaster anyhow, but talking through these things would have saved us both a lot of time and aggravation.
Moody, who believes in full disclosure from here on out
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Those are good points Moody - I would not have thought of all of that.
I must say, I cannot imagine letting a man live with me unless I knew he and my son would hit it off quite well. I am a rather permissive positive mom with eccentric ways at times. Like last night DS wanted to eat dinner at the coffee table watching TV and so we did. We made a huge buffet in the kitchen and then sat down in our family room. We had so much good conversation over the show. My exh used to hate that. He believed that the TV should be off and that you should sit at a table. But I love bonding time with my DS and don't believe in silly rules just for the sake of rules. And usually we do sit at the table - sometimes we set it very elaborately. And most nights the TV is off - but there was a court TV show my DS wanted to watch. Or sometimes we eat outside while the dogs swim.
I was wondering if our original poster can come up with a more temporary plan - like just stay for a month in the summer to see how it goes? When I first read it, it sounded like it was sort of all about him. He is moving in and everyone is wondering what to do to make him more comfortable - but what is he going to contribute? Maybe that just wasn't covered? Or maybe I missed that somewhere?