For those coming out of abusive M's????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
For those coming out of abusive M's????
6
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:09pm

Ok - I have to ask how others have handled this situation..... How much of your past do you reveal to someone that you are entering into a relationship with?

A good portion of my abusive marriage was sexual abuse in addition to verbal and emotional (and some close brushes with physical). I have to maintain a relationship with my STBX due to our children - plus I have forgiven him (I will NEVER forget but I do forgive - he was an idiot, but I don't think it was malicious/overtly intentional and he is seeking help and making some changes).

The potential person on my horizon has known me for many years so there is already a perceived closeness between us. I don't want to reveal anymore than necessary without seeming like I am witholding info. Does that make any sense? Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

I am confused on this one...
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:30pm
You can let someone know about your past without revealing too much detail. I was emotionally abused in my past and my X husband used to treat me like a porn doll and not like a wife. I have stated in my past that I do not like being treated aggresively in bed and mentioned a few things I am not into, never will be and if that were to be tried or discussed then I would leave the relationship. However, I have learned that if you have to go that far as to start giving a list of what and what not's, then usually the person isn't right for you anyway. A healthy person just isn't into pain. I might only say that I was in a unhealthy relationship and that I will not stand for another one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 1:56pm

I agree with myprecioustwo. I was in an abusive marriage... When I'm talking about past relationships or my previous marriage comes up... i guess I don't think anything of it when I say my ex was physically abusive and i left. I don't get into details but I do point out that I don't want to get involved with anything like that again. I state that I've learned from my mistakes.. I take ownership of my thoughts and feelings. I work on being a whole person and not about "fixing" someone else.

I don't tell the story like I'm looking for sympathy nor like I have a warrior badge... it's just part of my growth experiences. I don't think it's ever been an issue for anyone that I've dated. However, in my case I don't have to deal with the ex at all, because of my 5 yr NO CONTACT protective order.

>>I might only say that I was in a unhealthy relationship and that I will not stand for another one.<< I agree with this statement.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:19pm
I don't talk about my X's abusive behavior at the beginning, makes me feel like a victim and at that stage I want to feel confident and attractive. So I just say that we met very young and the people we are now are not the same as we had been when we met. It isn't until the relationship becomes exclusive that my X's wackiness comes up. By that time it is impossible to avoid because he's still a total psycho and we have kids so we have to have a certain amount of contact. Also, men just get really angry about guys who act like jerks and go into protector mode, they want to help you but feel powerless. So I try to not tell my current BF too much when my X is having one of his moods. I've made it clear that all I want from my BF is a hug, no knight's in armor to the rescue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:25pm

Thanks for your response. The area of intimacy is the one I am concerned about the most -I too was treated like a porn doll and not a human being - it was awful. I think it is important that he (new guy) understand what I am coming from. He knows that I am still afraid of STBX. New Guy hasn't asked for details and I don't really want to give them because there is a part of me that still feels I caused this to happen in some sick sadistic way (I know better but still need time to heal).
I like the idea of simply stating that it "was not healthy and it won't ever happen again."

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:32pm

I like the idea of letting them know you don't need a knight - just a shoulder and a hug - that works for me. I can handle my STBX but he can be such a prick when he chooses to be that it can be very upsetting. I have tried to keep my two worlds separate so far. New guy knows that stbx didn't treat me very well but that is the extent of it.

Thanks Queen!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:35pm

Looney I am so glad that you don't have to worry about your ex anymore. But I can only imagine what you must have endured in order to have been granted a 5yr no contact!!! I am so sorry!

I would like to strike that balance of new guy grasping that it was not healthy - but I handled it - 'nough said.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs