those three words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
those three words.
4
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 8:58am

What are your general thoughts on when to say, when not to say "I love you" for the first time.

What about guys? What does it mean for a guy/gal to hear it? to say it?

Some folks say it easily, some less easily. Do some folks mean different things by it?

Just starting a discussion here, not anything specific in mind.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 10:17am

I don't like to say those 3 words because it means so many different things to different people. I can easily love people but to be "in love" is hard. There is that period of passion and infatuation where it is so easy to say those words. There are many layers of hope, expectations, family-of-origin behaviors and beliefs that those words get lost in translation.

There is a book (which I did not read) called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman which talks about how we "hear" how we love differently and what our preferences are. Chapman identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

For me I feel love when my partner wants to touch me, e.g. hugs, PDAs. Words don't cut it as much.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 10:37am

I won't say it unless I truly mean it.

In the past, I've said it with other meanings. I've said it hoping that it would draw a date closer (forcing a relationship to happen faster). I've said it just because the guy said it (and would feel like a chump to not feel the same way)- even though I might not have felt the same way. I've said it for many of the wrong reasons, and then found myself in some relationship blunders/troubles/fixes because of it. I've had to break it off with people I didn't truly love- but had already said those words to- because I thought it would MAKE a relationship happen. I've learned that to say it too soon (without even knowing the man enough to REALLY know if I loved him or not)- is leading him on. I've learned in my old wisdom that those words (like Mark said) can be a loaded phrase, with many different meanings for many different people. So now I just don't use those words lightly, and I don't want a man who would fling those words around lightly, either.

When I say it, I will truly mean it. And when I hear it, I hope that it will be truly meant as well. I'd rather see love through actions than hear empty words. Sure, it's great to hear the words, too- but not if it's used (or overused) in such a carefree manner that it loses its meaning. Because at that point, you have to fall back on actions to truly see love anyway. So that's why I'd rather see the love in actions.

As for the previous reference to the Five Love Languages... I highly recommend that book!!! (Mark- you should read it, too!) I tend to see/show love through actions or touch more than affirmations. So it would work for me to be with a man who shows/understands love in that same manner. And I think Hiker does. It's just a matter of finding a partner who matches you.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 7:25pm

For me, the right time is when I KNOW I feel it. funnyguy and I have said it, but we don't feel the need to say it every three seconds.

I'd rather feel it than hear it, and I'm lucky that I get both with him.

As for other men, I've never said it to anyone else, including my ex husband. I don't lie, and don't say things I don't mean. I guess for us at that point, we simply never felt it, as neither of us ever said it.

I never wanted "I Love You" to become just another phrase, like "Have a good day" or "How's it going?" I only say it when I mean it.

I tell my children, my two closest friends, my parents, and now funnyguy. That's it.

I feel like love is a gift. It doesn't have to be returned, although it's wonderful what that happens. It also shouldn't cost the person giving it anything. If it's hard to say or painful or scary, it shouldn't be said.

Moody, who loves deeply but not rashly


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 8:14pm
For me, I would say it if I really felt it and also if I really felt I knew the guy - good and bad.