For those who haven't been dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
For those who haven't been dating
17
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:17pm

I had a positive thought tonight - while standing on the beach - getting ready for an ocean swim.....

I just had to share for all of the single moms who haven't been dating.

I am busy and my life is certainly in order - have gotten a lot done on my own. But I just haven't met anyone in a while and sometimes I refer to this in my head as "I haven't had a date in so long" and that can make me sad.

Okay - so here is the positive thought - Tonight I realized that I have had NO drama, tears or disappointment in this "dry spell"- it is just me, myself and I (and of course DS, too). In this time I have figured out what I want and that I am worth it and won't settle. I have figured out you need someone who is "that into you" and who wants a relationship and is open to the idea of a single mom.

I have had a few "no-no's" to turn down. Had I not taken the time to educate myself or become strong on my own, I might not have turned down these bad boys.

Just to give you a few examples.... guys who pursue you while drunk, guys who are not happy/not settled in their jobs, guys who live too far away, someone who only wants sex and no relationship, someone not open to a single mom with a child... the list goes on.

The funny thing is that there was this cute guy I saw after the swim who was with others in our group. He had a nice look in his eye when he saw me and asked me a few questions. I don't know what that means, nor do I even know anything about him. But it was sure nice to get a look like that.

The water was warm, the beach just beautiful. And I had a good swim.

If you haven't been dating or have experienced a dry spell, share your thoughts!! I hope this helps brighten your day.

CHEERS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:23pm

As usual, I am on both sides of this fence. I look at how far I have come, that literally two and a half years ago, my ex told me if I left, I would do it with the clothes on my back. I was unemployed with two kids and a dog and no place to call home. Now I have a great job, and a small home but in a safe neighborhood. I have good friends, and this spring I coached a tee ball team, which was a blast. I have fixed my own car and my own plumbing. I can assemble whatever Santa brings. My life is the most calm and sane it has been since before I met my ex. I don't need a man.

But on the other hand, I come home to two kids who wouldn't have the slightest clue what I was talking about if I tried to tell them about my day. I am the only single person in my office, and they've all been off the market so long they don't even know single people to set my up with. My boss loves to have dinner or drinks or whatever each month after hours, and I am the only one there alone. I was the only single parent on the ball team, although some are on their 3rd or 4th spouse. I was the only single mom in my daughter's dance class and had to borrow a friend's hubby for the recital when the dads come on stage. I have no one to pick up the detergent I forgot on their way home, no one to give me a hug when one of my clients dies, and no one to tell me it's 11 o'clock, haven't my friend and I run out of things to talk about on the phone yet.

My ex is about to get engaged for the fourth time in the same two and a half years. For all the heartache he caused me, for all the drama that he has in his daily life to this day, sometimes I wish I had stayed, because I wouldn't be alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 1:10pm

I think it's understandable to second guess yourself because of the loneliness. I have been divorced for 10 years. During that time my ex remarried and divorced, fell in love, broke up with her, and is constantly looking for companionship (and always seems to find it) My daughters are now almost 22 and 15, so you know where I am on their things to worry about scale (nowhere). I dated a few guys, was involved with one on and off for a couple of years. He turned out to have a big drug problem, was arrested, and is in a rehab (plea bargain) situation for another few months. HE has e-mailed a desire to start things up with me again!!??

What the heck is wrong with this picture? I will never go back with him just to say I have someone, but I gotta agree with you, it gets mighty lonely, and more often these days. I am healthy and fairly attractive for my age (so I've been told) but like you I am always the one attending weddings or dinners with my colleagus or friends alone and yes, I am tired of it. Going out somewhere seems like taking a big, depressing chance. Men my age want women ten tears younger than them and have on occasion acted like they were doing me a big favor by even talking to me.

I have been married twice and I am not saying I want to get married again, but it would be nice to have a male friend to socialize with, even if it was just a friendship.

You sound like your kids are young so you are young too. If you are interested in getting involved again don't give up hope. I really mean this, I have had no luck the last couple of years. I have tried internet dating also, a few times I went out with people but nothing came of it. I am pretty fed up. (but I am much older than you) But please, please, don't second guess yourself. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your kids at the time, as I did. You said youe ex got engaged for the fourth time? Did he marry any of these people?? To me, he sounds like a guy who can't decide what the h--- he wants. You did the right thing.

Don't worry, I am in no way going back to this screwed up guy. I am lonely -- but not desperate. Hold out and wait for someone who is really worthy of you to come along. Hope this helped just a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:12pm

I think you have a lot to be proud of and that you can't second guess yourself. Please don't lose hope - you never know when someone will come.

I am glad you shared your story with us - hope to see you 'round more often!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:13pm
It is great that you are not going back to that guy to not be alone. You are right and strong to hold out for what is right. You will find it!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:17pm

I love the term man-dirt. When I used to spend time at my x-bf's house I would just think, I'm so glad all this mess isn't at my house. I have never one day missed living with my ex-h. I love my home because it's my home and I get to make all the decisions that happen within these walls.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:18pm
I have only been not-dating for a little while, and since I've seen my x-bf a couple times I'm not sure this past couple months even count as being alone. I have to say though, it is nice having my child-free weekends all to myself, coming home last night and not worrying about anything and only leaving the house today if *I* decide I want to. All I've done today is read a book and take a nap with my kitties. They are great to nap with and make absolutely no demands of me other than to put food in their dish twice a day and pet them occasionally, and for that I get hours and hours of entertainment and unconditional love. For now this is going to be enough.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 10:52pm

Please don't 2nd guess yourself. You sound like an incredible woman with a wealth of strength. I truly believe that it is much better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

I do, however, know what you're talking about when you say that you would like a man to socialize with. That's all I'm looking for as well. Just a casual date every once in awhile. Geez! You wouldn't think that would be too much to ask for. LOL

Hang in there! You're not the only one is this "boat."

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