Thoughts on the Single for a Reason Post
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| Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:20pm |
Hi everyone! I haven't been around much due to the high travel season, but I was catching up on some of the threads this weekend and wanted to comment on the "single for a reason" thread...
Don't get me wrong, I think it's REALLY important not to settle...that you should have a list of the most important things you want to find in your partner and hold on until you get it... BUT sometimes, I believe in compromise too.
I was particularly interested in the "BORING" and "CHEAP" threads because it made me look at my situation with my SO. He has told me that when he started to date again after his divorce, many single women meeting him, considered him "cheap" at first ...or boring because he didn't go out every weekend to do something spectacular, like the theatre, or a symphony. They didn't give him much thought after the 2nd or 3rd date because he didn't "wine/dine" them.
BUT, if they would take the time to look a little deeper, as I did, and here I am with him today :), they would see that he wasn't "cheap" or "boring." What he was, was a single parent (PCP) to two kids (HI BRIAN, btw!), paying day care, bills and rent on a teacher's salary. Taking the time to get to know him would reveal that he LOVES the theatre, and symphonies, the outdoors, movies, dining, wine, and art.
In the time we've been together (2 years)he has shown me more of this beautiful state of Washington then I have seen in the 8 years I've lived here, he has taken me to see Les Miserables, the Van Gogh exihibit at the Seattle Art Museum, Wine tasting at Chateau St. Michelle Winery, etc...etc... he just bought me tickets to the Duran Duran concert, and he's taken me to Miss Saigon when it comes to town. My point is, he CAN'T spend alot of money because he doesn't have it, but he saves up his funds for the important things that really matter and that add quality to our lives.
If I had been concerned with being wined and dined and him picking up the tab for all our dates, I would have dropped him by the 3rd date and I would have lost an absolute gem.
So, I guess I'm just saying to be careful how you weigh your priorities... that wonderful UPS guy? I know one, and he doesn't make the kind of salary that would get him beyond a third date with alot of women out there today...
Just sharing my thoughts, based on my own life story =)
Edited 2/26/2005 11:54 pm ET ET by orange_clouds

You are right on. I know I would rather have a walk in the park instead of dining in a 5 star restaurant. But that's me. It's easier to get to know someone when you're not in a less stress situation. I think of it as if the roles were reversed and I was the one paying, could I keep up? I couldn't spend an elaborate amount of money on date after date after date. However, that doesn't make me not worthy of someone special. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be treated to something great. But if it is done time after time, how big/expensive does one have to go in order to make the major occasions special? I don't know, maybe my logic is skewed. I know I would rather have someone special to spend time with, then to have someone so so that has the funds to take me out to extravagant places.
shannon
Oh, don't get me wrong...I don't need to be wined and dined, and I'm very tolerant of budget considerations (having had plenty of times in my life where I've had to be very budget conscious. I love inexpensive, ethnic restaurants, for instance...a date doesn't have to be expensive to be lots of fun! But if I find out through our conversation things like, he hasn't seen a movie (even on DVD) for several months, hasn't been to a play or the symphony in years (if ever!), and has no desire to travel out of the country and see the world(and not for monetary reasons, just no interest), for example, then we're not going to be a match. Even when I've been on a super tight budget, I've allocated money to *experiences* such as plays, concerts and travel, because they are far more important to me than things.
It's people who are so set in their ways that they aren't at all open to new experiences that are boring to me...and I meet FAR more single men in my age group who are like this than single women.
Sheri
I agree with you.
But there is a huge difference between someone who is frugal and on a budget and someone who is cheap. A huge one.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
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I hear what you're saying. And I think that women who would have considered YOUR SO "cheap" were also "single for a reason" as they're obviously looking to be showered with unreasonable amounts of money to impress them.
D sounds very much the opposite of "cheap". He's wise with his money. To me, that's always a HUGE "turn on".
J never had me pay for anything (Till we were WELL into our dating relationship and I wanted to take him out) but we didn't get extravagant either. And he used to bring me little gifts "just because" (new cd's and such) and we took a few inexpensive trips together, usually mostly on him.
He never struck me as cheap. Just a guy who was not rolling in it, and who wanted to make me a part of his life and so made room for me financially to do things with him.
ADDITIONALLY: on this idea of "single for a reason" I have the HARDEST time making genuine girlfriends. For many of the same reasons noted in this thread.
Cheap women.
Surface women.
Boring women.
Judgemental women (I am often in church settings and I have the worst time finding a woman who shares my faith
Becky:
"Judgemental women (I am often in church settings and I have the worst time finding a woman who shares my faith but knows how to loosen up and have a little flipping fun w/out being afraid of hell!" Man, are you right on this one. I feel the same way. I find it very hard to make friends with church women outside of the church setting. They would probably tell me I'm going straight to hell! LOL
Just my 2 cents. I do agree that there is a huge difference between being frugal and cheap.
As far as being wined and dined, I think that's a personal preference. Sure it's nice, but I don't expect it. I would rather have fun with the person I'm with, whether they are spending a lot of money or not, but that's me. I've been with both kinds of men, the ones who had money and the one's who don't. I'm just not real materialistic, so money doesn't impress me that much. Here's a good example. One of my ex-boyfriends like to impress me with his money (and he didn't even make that much). For my birthday one year he bought me a pair of diamond solitare earrings, and for Christmas, a matching necklace. At the time, I loved them and wore them all the time. But this is the clown that married my sister, so in the end, all that money meant absolutely nothing. I have the jewelry sitting in my underwear drawer for the past 3 years -- I can't bring myself to wear them -- too many bad memories.
Mark makes more money than any guy I ever dated, but I don't really care. He does treat me well, and he pays for everything, but there are times when I like to treat him, like for his birthday. He's not overly extravagant, and I like that. What I do like is sometimes he'll surprise me with a little gift -- for no reason at all. I guess I like it so much because it's not expected. I love surprises.
Donna