I can totally identify with what Deb posted about her son's grades and how she was very upset and tearful about it. I guess this is report card time. My twins' school is on trimesters, so this is not report card time for them, although progress reports were sent out last week -- and my daughter got one -- which was no surprise. I am sick to death of getting phone calls from everyone in my family telling me how smart their child is. I seem to be the only daughter in my family that has a child struggling in school. Everyone else's kids are straight A students. Unless you have gone through it, no one can know how heartbreaking it is to spend hour upon hour, night after night, reading, writing, doing homework, and it seems to make no difference at all. Do you know how defeating that is? Yes, Deb, I too feel like a failure. Ever since school started, this is what my nights are like. I pick my kids up at 6:00 p.m. from the after school program. They get to watch tv while I make dinner. Then after dinner, it's homework time, which usually lasts until 9:00 or 9:30. They get homework EVERY DAY, sometimes even on Fridays. Because I have twins, they are in separate classes -- which means different teachers and different assignments. And to top it all off, my daughter has ADHD. And I don't need to tell anyone who has a kid with ADHD what doing homework is like. For those who don't know, all I can sum it up in one word -- NIGHTMARE. I do this day in and day out -- and I have accepted that that's just the way it's going to be. I can't try any harder than I do or give any more of myself than I already do -- and still it seems to do no good. My daughter is smart -- she struggles in reading. She is in 2nd grade, but reads at a kindergarten level. I have to help her with her homework because her reading is so poor that she can't even read the directions which tell her what to do. But, she is great at math. She did a double-sided math page in about 5 minutes. I couldn't believe it. It's just so damned discouraging when my nephew who is in kindergarten reads better than her and my niece who is her age was told that she is way above her grade level and she should be in accelerated classes. What did I do wrong? Did I eat stupid pills when I was pregnant?
The only positive thing I can say is that my twins are in a new school this year. DD's teacher is wonderful, and works very closely with me. DD gets extra reading help during class and twice a week after school. The whole school is working with me to get her the help she needs, and I'm sure it's just going to be a matter of time. She has had an IEP and we have just had a CAT meeting a couple of weeks ago. We are all on the same page, thank God.
I love my kids for who they are. And I encourage them in everything they do. My daughter loves school, and she's too young to know that she is different than everyone else. I know the Christian thing to do is to be happy for people who are blessed with smart children. It's just it's too much for me to take sometimes. Last week was a horrible week. Homework every night until 9:30. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Like I try so hard and I feel like it's a waste of time. My sisters don't even help their kids with their homework, and they get straight A's. They should spend a day in my life to see what it's like. Then maybe they wouldn't brag so much.
I'm sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It's been festering all day. I would love to hear from any moms out there who struggle with school work like I do. Hopefully, I'm not alone.
Donna
You are such a wonderful mom. You are doing everything right. And your twins are so so so lucky.
I don't think you can judge a kid by their grades. There are so many other things that matter. You are doing everything you can to support them and help them grow to be all that they can be.
Believe me, I have met some people who had straight A's through the best schools and they are no better off - and at the same time there are kids who barely made it who do much better financially and in life in general.
Hugs and kisses to them both!!
check out some of these things and see if your daughter fits the description. If so, get her help, it sounds like she is going through what my daughter went through. By getting her help, she now excells. Read the article below and discuss with your daughter if she feels some of these symptoms. Alex has the quiet type of A.D.D. she's a dreamer, so no hyperactivitiy which most girls don't have. Nina is hyperactive.
Sometimes your child doesn't pay attention or follow directions, and you wonder if she has AD/HD. How is it diagnosed? What can you do to help her?
What Is AD/HD?
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) is a neurobehavioral disorder that affects an estimated 3-7 percent of the school age population. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-IV (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association, describes three subtypes of AD/HD:
Inattentive — can't seem to get focused or stay focused on a task or activity
Hyperactive-impulsive — very active and often acts without thinking
Combined — inattentive, impulsive, and too active
Imagine how hard it might be for a first grader to sit and concentrate on instruction in a fourth grade classroom, and you'll get an idea of how hard it is for many kids with AD/HD to function in groups their own age.
How is AD/HD Diagnosed?
Currently, there are no medical tests, such as blood tests or electrical imaging (such as MRI), that diagnose AD/HD. However, research in this area is being conducted with the hope that making the diagnosis can be more precise in the near future.
At this time, behavior criteria from DSM-IV are used to make the determination of AD/HD. Some of these behaviors are seen more often at certain periods of child development, and behaviors may vary for boys and girls. Individual clinicians may interpret the criteria differently, so it's important that you choose a qualified professional to make the diagnosis.
Because of inconsistencies in diagnosis by medical professionals, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) came out with its guidelines in May 2000. They recommend a comprehensive assessment that relies on direct information from parents (or caregivers) and the classroom teacher (or other school professional) using developmental history, rating scales, observations, and available test results.
Information from all of the sources is reviewed carefully. The clinician has to make a judgment about whether the symptoms of AD/HD impair academic achievement, classroom performance, family and social relationships, independent functioning, self-esteem, leisure activities, and/or self-care. So it usually takes two or more visits to the clinician before a diagnosis can be made.
Behaviors generally are observed before age 7. Symptoms need to be present in at least two places, e.g., at school, home, community, childcare setting, and for at least 6 months. They should occur more often and be more severe than for other kids of the same age or developmental level.
A few of the symptoms of AD/HD are:
Doesn't pay close attention to details
Doesn't seem to listen when spoken to directly
Is easily distracted
Has difficulty organizing and finishing tasks
Fidgets with hands and feet; has difficulty remaining seated
Runs about or climbs excessively when inappropriate (seems "motor-driven")
Talks continually
Interrupts conversations and intrudes upon other kids' games
Avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g. schoolwork, homework, games)
Does things that are dangerous without thinking about possible outcomes
What Does This Mean for Your Child?
Kids with AD/HD may be delayed as much as 30 percent of their actual age in their ability to pay attention and remember. This means that a 9-year-old may act more like a 6-year-old in his ability to focus and use self-control. Imagine how hard it might be for a first grader to sit and concentrate on instruction in a fourth grade classroom, and you'll get an idea of how hard it is for many kids with AD/HD to function in groups their own age. It doesn't mean his intelligence is any less; it's just the ability to control impulses that's affected.
What Services are Available?
If your child with AD/HD doesn't qualify for special education, she may be eligible for accommodations ... in the general education classroom under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act.
A medical diagnosis of AD/HD doesn't automatically qualify your child for special education. Your child must be assessed and found eligible by the public school's multidisciplinary team in order to qualify for services. If she's experiencing academic problems along with AD/HD, you or the teacher may request an evaluation to see if she qualifies for special education services.
Kids with AD/HD may be eligible under "specific learning disability" since attention problems may be the cause of significant academic difficulties. Or they may qualify as "emotionally disturbed" if their social or emotional behaviors negatively affect their ability to learn. Or they can be considered "other health impaired" if they have limited strength, vitality, or alertness (including increased attention to environmental stimuli which results in limited concentration in the educational setting) and the AD/HD adversely affects their educational performance.
If your child with AD/HD doesn't qualify for special education, she may be eligible for accommodations, such as preferential seating, in the general education classroom under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act. This law prohibits discrimination on the basis of a disability. She qualifies if the public school's multidisciplinary 504 team agrees that, in comparison to the average child with no disability, she has an impairment that "substantially limits one or more major life activities."
If your child doesn't qualify for these services, then her needs may be addressed in the general education classroom.
How Is It Treated?
Depending on your child's needs, more than one of the following may be appropriate and/or necessary to help your child succeed.
Medication
Behavior management strategies at home and at school
Classroom accommodations
Family and child counseling
How Can Parents Help?
Anticipate problems and help her make a plan.
Establish clear rules, limits, and expectations.
Reduce the amount of talking and reminding; use charts and lists as reminders instead.
Consistently use positive reinforcement and logical consequences.
Collaborate with her teacher about necessary modifications and/or accommodations.
Look for opportunities to support and celebrate her strengths, especially in the non-academic areas.
Become knowledgeable about AD/HD by reading, attending conferences, participating in support groups or online communities.
Depending on your child's age, discuss the specifics of his/her AD/HD, using books and websites for kids.
Be sure that childcare providers and leaders of groups and programs outside of school are aware of the management strategies that you and the school have found to be effective.
How Can Teachers Help?
Go to this series
Dr. Sam Goldstein on AD/HD, a 6-part series
Provide individual accommodations as appropriate.
Follow a consistent behavior management plan.
Reinforce appropriate behavior.
Find opportunities to use her strengths and talents at school.
Work collaboratively and communicate regularly with parents.
First off, don't beat yourself up about this, you have done nothing wrong and your kids aren't stupid. These nieces and nephews you have who skate through, may someday wake up to find they're struggling too. I skated all through school until I hit college and then WHAM! I had to work and I was thrown off totally. So know that it doesn't always mean they are of superior intelligence or ability.
In your kids' afterschool program, they don't do homework with them? My kids don't go to after school since I only work pt and Connor's too young to go anyway, but they do homework with them. And they have a homework club in the morning before school for any kids who need extra help. Is it possible your school could start something like this?
Whatever you do, don't give up. I know it's got to be so hard and discouraging but if you feel like you're a failure and your kids are, your kids are going to feel that way about themselves and then it's all over. KWIM?
Sending big hugs
Tara