time management with a growing relations

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
time management with a growing relations
18
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:12am

Hello all,

I wanted to get an idea on how you ladies manage time and personality differences with a growing relationship or even dating. I know many of you with kids would have to manage it much more efficiently than I do.

My problems may be simpler than what all of you deal with , and still I find it hard to manage time. I work full time, but a demanding career. My guy also works full time , demanding career.
He is much more easy going with his future, or career dreams, but I am not that way. I like to put more time than "I CAN" (I know it is bad) and do very well.. and all that. He is doing very well, but he never explores things as to what is best for him out there, Like he could get a much better job if he just tried a little. Not that one he has is not good enough.. It is just matter of being ambitious. I should say he is not really ambitious, but is very smart and could do much more with a little ambition too.

Now we live close enough that we "CAN" meet every evening. But we could do other things or work more or be more productive now ( and take vaccation once we are done with some stages of work). But we dont control ourselves enough to "NOT MEET".
But when we do meet, I worry that we are meeting too much and we have still "to do" list of things for both of us that we could have done much better if we spent few nights alone.

Even if he tries to stay away one night and I call him, he would just come over.

have anyone of you felt that you need to restrict your meeting.. I am not sure if I want to explore more potential mates. He did say at one point that I should go out on 20 dates atleast before we meet again, so that Iam sure he is the one and we both stay a little apart for a while. I told him that he should do the same, but he says he doesnt want to date anyone else.

So we have hard time staying apart. But we both know that it would be healthy to do so, for a little while. He has to focus a lot on some project he is working on, and may be even look for a new house or apartment..

He is not very exploring kind, in life and in career.. Is that too bad? Like he wont go out and explore possibilities of dating others, he wont explore and find out things to do or whats near our place (unless of course I tell him that I want to do something). I on the other hand always run to "GOOGLE" anything.. and everything. Like he knew he wants to apply for a certain position that would comeup in a nearby university and when they announced, I was the one to show him that they did announce.. I actually asked him" would you have seen this if I didnt show.." he says may be notor not sure.. Does anyone of you feel these kind of differences in personalities with your SO? Does it bother you? Also he says he wants to look for a house, but never actually gottne to make a list of of houses to go and look at .. I do more looking for him than he has done.. Should I just be easy for a while and see how he would do things on his own.. Problem is that all this being in relationship, looking forward to be in family life is all SO NEW for my 40 + guy.. we are dealing with this very slowly.




Edited 8/24/2007 8:15 am ET by dancewithme2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:51am

Well, one thing is for sure - if he is 40+ then he is not going to change much more than what you see right now.

I think you have to decide what is right for you and what you want.

Some of what you write are what I consider "guy things" - guys are simple and take the path of least resistance. Sure, some are more ambitious than others. But ambition is not something you can put in someone or take away - it is there like the color of their eyes.

Do you want someone who has and is willing to make the time for you? Or someone who is not there much but brings home the big bucks? What do you want for yourself in 5 years? Can he help you bring that to your table? Do your personalities complement each other? For example, if you love to google everything maybe he is content to let you do that and to do what you say?

It sounds like you need to set a little boundary with him so you have some time to yourself. Tell him in advance that you would like a day to get stuff done. And then don't answer the phone until the end of the evening or make plans to call and check in the next day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:09am

Oh wow- this is the kind of stuff that doesn't really show up "on paper" when finding a partner- but yet it can be a deal breaker!

It's a matter of YOU deciding what it is you are wanting in a partner, and what you don't. The characteristics you've described are not all that odd, IMO. Like Judy said- it's common "guy" traits for many men to have, and that's not their fault. It's just how they are.

My advice is to NOT try to change him or make him into a more ambitious or more initiative person... like you are. You'll only find yourself discouraged if he doesn't do it, or disappointed in him for not wanting to be that way. If you plan to develop a relationship with him, you will need to just simply accept him as he is, THIS way.

Only you can know in your heart if this is acceptable for you in a partner or not. If it's a deal-breaker, then it's best if you set each other free to find more suitable partners. If this is something that will simply drive you nuts... then you're not "wrong" or "bad" for wanting a person who isn't this way. Just as he isn't "wrong" or "bad" for BEING that way. That's just the differences between people and you're not a good match!

But like I said- only you can know if it's something you can live with or not. Sounds like you're strong enough to complement him in this trait and balance things out- but will you resent him for coming up short?

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:34am

I was just thinking, too, that as we age we want different things. When I was in my 30s I wanted someone who could set the world on fire - have the ambition to take us places. My exh was happy to spend a LOT OF HOURS at work and didn't really go anywhere or have the money to show for it. Which is okay - but the end result was someone who would rather work than be home with me or help much around the house. And he didn't appreciate anything I did because he was too focused on himself.

Now that I have the house and the business and all the STUFF I want - my focus is more on the quality of life - my DS, myself - be FIT and have a good relationship with someone who is into me.

My Lifeguard is not the ambitious type. He is more the type to relax on the beach all day. Although he is really into fitness - he works out as much as I do and we like to do a lot of the same outdoorsy stuff. But he complements me. I mean, we cannot have two people like ME or we would drive each other crazy and ditto with him - nothing would get done. We have actually talked about our differences and agree we complement each other. He likes my ambition and drive and admires it and tells me so - and it has put a little fire under him to organize his own house and stuff and for us to plan ahead with regards to our races and travel plans.

But I like his laid back ways - I appreciate how he let DS be himself the other night and how he finds fun things for us to do on our day off together to relax. And he is the one who wanted to have family members at our races - I would have just left my DS here with my sister and worried too much about my training schedule at the race. But we have put our heads together and inked in some good plans for some trips coming up and can take our kids and his dad.

So far it seems a good mix. But I think part of that is timing. You have to be happy with what you see - you cannot want to change it. If you find yourself wanting to change it then it is not right. Because you cannot change a person.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:46am

"You have to be happy with what you see - you cannot want to change it. If you find yourself wanting to change it then it is not right."

I couldn't agree more! And that is something I've been struggling with myself a little. My guy is in his mid-40's (14 years older than me) so I know that what I see is what I get. In many ways we complement each other, but I worry that years down the road I'll find that Im really not able to accept some of those differences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 5:31pm

Hi cl-west,

Thanks for the inputs. Your life with your ex seems very close to what I had in the past.. I truly appreciate now all the attention I am getting and even with busy schedule how he would make all efforts to spend maximum time with me. Nothing else seems important to him than being with me. I just wonder if this laid back ways would get on my nerves when I am feeling like getting ahead in career or so. I really need to wait and see. We have discussed few things , and I am waiting to see what he does about them. I know we cant change a gy in mid 40s .. but believe me my guy NEEDED some change.. and he did change positively in last few months.. He was so reserved and not at all outgoing, with just home and work and his gym and biking.. very few friends..He does enjoy going out and socialising, just that he didnt have anyone to go and do those things with. Een our mutual frineds comment that he has changes positively in every way in last few months.. Can you imagine a guy who never ever dated seriosuly until this age? and even a virgin!!.. Now when he is with me he cant take his hands off me and is so passionate and romantic.. So yeah my guy definitely needed some change to get his normal life. Ima so glad I took the risk of jumping in though..

I dont want to change him completely, but I like to point out what I think would be better for him. he does the same to me.. But of course his approach is better in the sense he doesnt remind them as often as I do.

Thanks for the inputs, and seems like you got a great guy now. It is also great that you are trying to include DS in this process as much as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 5:35pm

Hi mom2maggie,

In your case what are the issues that bother you in particular? Is it age related or personality related? Do you see your self changing about your thoughts as you spend more time with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 6:35pm

I think the most Killer of all criteria is "Can I respect him - really respect him?".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:42am

I love this board. I'm in a similar situation but am posting a different one becuase I don't want to interrupt yours.

I think it's "what YOU can live with" Can you be satisfied with him "as is".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 1:52pm

I dont know, it sounds to me like this guy is very UMOTIVATED in many aspects of his life. If you want to spend your life pushing, prodding, planning & feeling like you have another CHILD to care for ... then he sounds like the one for you.


On the other hand, if you want someone with some vigor for life, who is excited about planning things to make you happy, then I would keep on looking.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 4:23pm

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. We had a big talk today and I told him clearly that I want him to have more motivatio and it is important for me in the end. We will take things slower and give time to each other and see at the end of a month or two and I am free to decide what I want.

In the past I was with an overly ambitious person wo never paid much attention to me and was not romantic enough. This guy is not totally non motivated. He does great in the job he is in ( I know becuase I work with him). He seem to have a major problem in making changes in life or acting towards making a change.. Believe me he would have been single for ever if I didnt try and talk to him to begin with.. and he is a wonderful partner, very attentive, romantic and caring. So same goes with his career, he really needs some push in certain things and once he starts he is great with what he does. getting started seems to be an issue here.

He has done things before I came in to his life, like he has a doctorate and is well known in what he does. But guys who are even less smarter than him tried and got some positions that he could have gone into easily many years back. He never even tried to put and application in..So he does need some push in that department.. He doesnt seem to realise how good he is in some ways. He is totally into fitness and that was his hobby when he was single. But he never thought about buying a house or so..

Also now after staring to see me, he has started being better motivated and ambitious, but due to romancing all the time doesnt get enough time.. So now we have decided that we do more things on our own and see after a month or two.

Yes, If I feel he is smart but totally not motivated, Then I might give up.

Thanks for your inputs.

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