time management with a growing relations

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
time management with a growing relations
18
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:12am

Hello all,

I wanted to get an idea on how you ladies manage time and personality differences with a growing relationship or even dating. I know many of you with kids would have to manage it much more efficiently than I do.

My problems may be simpler than what all of you deal with , and still I find it hard to manage time. I work full time, but a demanding career. My guy also works full time , demanding career.
He is much more easy going with his future, or career dreams, but I am not that way. I like to put more time than "I CAN" (I know it is bad) and do very well.. and all that. He is doing very well, but he never explores things as to what is best for him out there, Like he could get a much better job if he just tried a little. Not that one he has is not good enough.. It is just matter of being ambitious. I should say he is not really ambitious, but is very smart and could do much more with a little ambition too.

Now we live close enough that we "CAN" meet every evening. But we could do other things or work more or be more productive now ( and take vaccation once we are done with some stages of work). But we dont control ourselves enough to "NOT MEET".
But when we do meet, I worry that we are meeting too much and we have still "to do" list of things for both of us that we could have done much better if we spent few nights alone.

Even if he tries to stay away one night and I call him, he would just come over.

have anyone of you felt that you need to restrict your meeting.. I am not sure if I want to explore more potential mates. He did say at one point that I should go out on 20 dates atleast before we meet again, so that Iam sure he is the one and we both stay a little apart for a while. I told him that he should do the same, but he says he doesnt want to date anyone else.

So we have hard time staying apart. But we both know that it would be healthy to do so, for a little while. He has to focus a lot on some project he is working on, and may be even look for a new house or apartment..

He is not very exploring kind, in life and in career.. Is that too bad? Like he wont go out and explore possibilities of dating others, he wont explore and find out things to do or whats near our place (unless of course I tell him that I want to do something). I on the other hand always run to "GOOGLE" anything.. and everything. Like he knew he wants to apply for a certain position that would comeup in a nearby university and when they announced, I was the one to show him that they did announce.. I actually asked him" would you have seen this if I didnt show.." he says may be notor not sure.. Does anyone of you feel these kind of differences in personalities with your SO? Does it bother you? Also he says he wants to look for a house, but never actually gottne to make a list of of houses to go and look at .. I do more looking for him than he has done.. Should I just be easy for a while and see how he would do things on his own.. Problem is that all this being in relationship, looking forward to be in family life is all SO NEW for my 40 + guy.. we are dealing with this very slowly.




Edited 8/24/2007 8:15 am ET by dancewithme2004

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 2:17pm

Unfortunately, I am a woman that has many deal breakers. Maybe because I think it should be easy, to be the way I am. I have my own criterias that I set and meet. I like who I am. If you can't meet someone with the same criterias, it's a deal breaker. It takes me a few weeks to figure out the chocolate from the fake. So although I date a lot, I am rarely heart broken about it when it doesn't work (disappointed yes, heartbroken rarely)and I know what it is I am seeking. I am much happier by myself and would love to just have a really good friend to start out with: No strings, no pressure.

That is sooo hard to find!

Cat - who LOVES to live in a life of perfect balance, but only gets uneven scales!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:37pm

Hi all,

Thanks again for inputs. I guess I should relax and give him time to see how he deals with this new situation (of having some one in his life suddenly). We have decided not to spend "ALL' the time together. Just go out do activities, meanwhile he can decide whether or not he wants more in career and take his own time to design his life and I can think about how I feel exactly and sort out things from past.. So it will be more of a friendship only for now..
So taking it slow and just having fun for the moment..

I dont feel like seeing anyone else, but I can do that if I wish..Will see how it goes.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 11:14am

Personality related. They are not age related except that his age provides evidence to me that this is the way his personality is and most likely always will be. In other words, it's not just a timing issue. The big difference in our personalities that concerns me is that I am very much a "planner" and he is not. I think I can be flexible to an extent, but I like things to be somewhat "settled". I think that part of the reason I am this way is because it's part of who I am naturally, but it's also reinforced because I have two children that I provide and care for.

My guy is like yours in that he is one of the smartest people I know (both with common sense and he has his PhD too). He's the type of guy who likes to take broken things apart just to figure out how they work and then figure out a way to fix them. However, he is very happy to just take one day of his life at a time. This applies to not really making plans to really secure his future, but also to smaller things as well. He regularly quotes "life is what happens when you're busy making plans" or "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans".

As for our relationship, he is totally committed to me in the present tense, but I think he may never be ready to think very far into the future. He supports me emotionally all week long and then we have a tremendous amount of fun together whenever my kids are with their dad. He enjoys my kids and my kids enjoy him when we are all together, but I really limit the time that we are all together, because I refuse to act like a family unless we're going to become one.

Often, I feel like we are like committed partners who don't plan to ever live together or get married. This works for me right now because my kids are young (9 and 3) and I'm really not ready to blend him into our family of 3. However, I think that eventually I might want a partner to really build a life with. I think he's the perfect boyfriend for me, but if the time comes that I want a husband instead then he's probably not the right guy for me. I think we haven't had conflicts due to our differences because my expectations for a boyfriend are different than my expectations would be for a husband.

Do I see myself changing about my thoughts? I find myself waffling back and forth in my thoughts. I do know now that not every successful relationship has to lead to marriage. I learn a lot about myself and gain enough from our relationship to be very happy right now. Therefore, I'm reluctant to end things now just because some day in the future I might decide that I want to be part of a marriage partnership. If there comes a day that this relationship isn't meeting my needs then I will end it then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:28pm

Hi,
From what you wrote seems like u got a great guy. In a way it is good that two people are different. It would be very boring if both of you are very well planned an orderly in every way. If he is cmfortable letting you make plans and if he likes most of them then whats the issue. Also how do you know he is not planning for a future with you (as in marriage)? Have uou talked about it.
Also why is Boyfriend material different from husband material.. I would think it should be same.
In my case, my guy would love to hear a strong YES from my side, He wanted to take me home to meet his parents this labour day weekend. I said I need more time.. So I know that mine will plan and do things if I give the green signal..

I would say hang on to him. Dont look at the relationship as temporary by any means.. Love like you will be togather for ever.. It makes it beautiful.

Before you spend many years on this, You can have a talk with him and see how he see you two in the future. or what he has to say about future in general. Is he planned for major things in life? like savings, house, retirement, unexpected illness.. and so on?

What he says is right, you cant be planned for everything, but you can prepare for unexpected bad days..
Hope you enjoy the long weekend.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 9:34am

I hope you enjoy the holiday weekend too. I know he's not ready (and may never be) to plan a future with me as in marriage because we have talked about it. He likes things very much as they are now and would probably be content to date indefinately.

I think my expectations would be different if we shared a household. Particularly in the financial realm. As my boyfriend, how he spends/invests his money doesn't really affect me. If we were to entertain the idea a marriage/living together we'd have to spend a significant amount of time determining how we'd manage finances together. He agrees that if I were to ever marry I would be stupid to not have a prenup in place to protect my children. I don't have a lot of accumulated wealth, but I am doing well considering my circumstances. I don't make a huge salary, but I support myself and two children without finanical help from their father (he doesn't pay child support because I make more $ than him and our kids do stay with him a couple days each week). Even after taking a financial hit with each maternity leave and then again with our divorce I am buying my home, have excellant credit, very little debt other than my mortgage, and a great start on my retirement savings. Although they are still very small I have separate savings accounts for home repairs, a new car (someday), vacations, and college. In contrast my guy is 14 years older than me and has always been single. He makes more $ than me, rents, is still paying off old student loans and repairing his credit from past mistakes. He is saving for retirement but has no other savings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 10:00am

Hmm , Okay now I see where you are coming from. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to spend so much time with some one and get my kids attached to them .. if I was so sure that he is not a partner material.. Now this is upto you to decide if you need a marriage or a partner in all sense when you grow older..I think you do.

So why invest time for some one who wont stay with you? I dont mean to confuse you. But seems like you want a man more organised and planned ( and I do agree ).
As for my guy, he is slightly different, He makes more $ than me.. has been working for ever and has great credits, no debts, rents ( but thats coz he had no one to start a home with) and has saved a lot. But here is the funny part- he just doesnt overspend so he had a good savings and untill recently it was not even in a an account where he could get a god interest so now I told him how much he could make every month just by transfering into a savings account with 5 % interest!! and believe me numbers were big- lol.. So now he has done that at least.. So my guys problems are partly because he had no one so far in life and he is not big into saving money or investing and he made much more than he can spend by himself.. but is on time for paying any bills and is clean in every aspct. I am also not big into being very calculative on money.. but I do the obvious- like put it in a savings account if I can..lol. But good thing about him is that he respect my views and care for me enough to not hurt me and makes sure he considers my opinions seriously.

He is now thinking of moving to a house (buying) but not sure where.. partly because he is not sure if I would stay with him or no.

I think in your case you need to give some thought into this seriously, before your kids gets attached to him and you dont want to leave him, but get frustrated with him.

If he is sure he doesnt want to marry you, is looking for some one else an option for you at this time?

Also some people are scared of women who are very controlled with finaces, and they dont want there money or finances to be controlled so tightly to some extent.. So it is possible that he is not able to commit to you being worried of having to be so organised (that he thinks cant)..? May be you dont want to talk to him all the time about how much you care about managing finaces.. it may scare him off ( as in being committed). Some people are just too easy going - but would be happy to get assistance in getting organised if they dont feel pressured into it.

So try and see if he is some one who would change a bit for your happiness - which he would if he truly loves you. Good luck and have fun.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 12:03pm

Thanks for the dialogue - this is forcing me to think about what I really want.

He hasn't said that he doesn't want to marry me - but he's said that its way too soon for him to know (we've known each other for years, but have been exclusively dating for 9 months). Looking for someone else isn't an option without ending this relationship first.

My kids aren't that attached to him. They know him, but on average we only all spend time together about once a month. I could stop dating and they wouldn't really notice. Basically I'm spending time with him whenever they are with their father (if I'm not at work).

I don't pressure him at all about his finances - I figure that they only belong to him because I haven't made any kind of promise to take care of him thirty years from now. I've been trying to sit back and see if he improves in that area on his own. I want him to do it for himself - not for me. If we started talking about marriage I would need us to talk about finances a lot before we made that committment.

"So my guys problems are partly because he had no one so far in life" - I do think this somewhat applies to my guy as well. He seems a more motivated now that we are dating than before (We knew each other for a few years prior to dating). Career-wise he recently changed positions and seems to have really found his niche. He's very happy at work now. He's also been cooking healthier meals and exercising more.

"So why invest time for some one who wont stay with you?" That's the tough part - I do think he will stay with me as a boyfriend for as long as I want him too. Our relationship is much healthier than my marriage was. I don't plan to have any more children so I don't have a biologically imposed time limit. I guess I'm just not yet ready to give up this very good relationship for a slim chance at the "whole package". I do know that I won't live with a man while my children still live with me unless we were married. I've been trying to think long and hard about what I'd really gain by getting married - if anything.




Edited 8/30/2007 12:21 pm ET by mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 1:16pm

I agree that if he offfers more than 80% of what you want- you should try to work on it.

May be you could spend more time and try doing things where he would have to take small responsibilities in your life.. and in return you can care more for him, his health and well being and show that you will be there for him when he needs.

May be he is now coming to a stage where he would like some one depending on him a bit and him able to depend on some one.

Some time men like to be depended on..

9 months is probably too early for him to decide.. which is okay. Any way if you are with him, show your unconditional love and see if that changes him..

and may be give him little chores and see if he follows up.. if he likes being depended on that is a good sign..

BF or husband you ultimately want a guy whom you can depend on when you have bad time and when you are sick or whom you can trust your kids with..in case some difficulty comes to you.

I say go with the flow, have fun and see what happens.. since you dont need any more kids, there really is no point in rushing into anything..

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