Time to tell the kids SOMETHING...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Time to tell the kids SOMETHING...
8
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:14pm

Well, the time has come to tell the kids that SuperDad is at least interested in a specific woman...(Patti). A friend of mine (a female co-worker) suggested that because she could figure it out by just looking at me that the kids probably have noticed the change as well.

I've been way to scatter-brained and way to emotional for them to not notice that something is going on with me. So, I've decide to lay out the basics and see what they say...that for now this is a long-distance relationship and that we both intend to remedy that, although the timeframe is fuzzy.

I told Patti what I planned to do and she agreed that it sounded like a reasonable approach.

So....here we go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:07pm

I don't think you should say something this soon. All of this adult dating and relationship stuff is scary to kids, especially when they have divorced parents. Their world is more fragile. And I think you should respect that.

Sure they will notice a difference. But you don't have to mention why right now.

She is not divorced; she has kids with a dad; and she lives far away. You might have a lot of passion and determination. But you don't have circumstances in your favor at this time.

I hope you consider waiting a little longer to tell them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:39pm

I agree with West, the children will have no idea what has been up and might just assume it's work or life or being divorced or whatever. Although I suspect you were telling them tonight and it's too late. They will have a long time to process this since she's not coming back til the summer and you have no idea when she might move. They are going to have a lot of questions you simply won't have the answers to, and that isn't going help them understand what to expect. If you haven't told them, I'd wait until you know she is moving and you've had more than one weekend with her to figure out if this relationship has the staying power you need it to. That way you can give the children solid answers to their questions. Right now they simply do not need to know anything.

I forget though, does she have kids too? Somehow I thought she didn't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 1:59am

Sorry guys, I disagree. I'm not dealing with 4 and 5 yo's here.

The conversation went very well. There were plenty of questions. Since Patti and I have discussed so many issues, there were no questions that I could not give a thought out answer to. They understood the variability of the actual timeframes, because they've gone through their own 2 1/2 year long divorce with me.

The children were very accepting of everything, wanted to see her photo, etc. DD would like to IM and/or talk on the phone with Patti. Wanted to know when we all might meet face to face...something that has been tentatively planned for the end of the year.

I'm going to retire from this board. And over to the LDR board. It seems to be the proper place for me now, since I am no longer dating per se. I killed my e-harmony account last Monday.

Patti is going to visit for a week just after the kids head off to Ohio. More time, less pressure, less rushing about.

Thanks for all the insight...you've all been most helpful. Best of luck to each of you in your searches. Mine is, thankfully, over.

Brian

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 9:33pm

Brian,

DON'T GO!!!

It's so nice to have a male's perspective about things. I'm no longer dating, been with a wonderful man for the last 8 months, but I still linger on this board because of the friends I've made here and want to be supportive. I do hope that you would consider staying just so we can all enjoy your stories and we want to hear updates of things with P. (You can't leave us hanging!!!)

I'm glad that you did sit down with the kids and let them in on what is going on. I fully believe that kids, no matter how old, should have an idea of their parent's lives. Sure, a 5 year old doesn't need a lot of info, just that mom or dad is interested in someone and hopes that their child will like that person. Even my 5 year has had 2 'girlfriends', so he knows the idea there. Since you KNOW that you want P to be a part of your lives, then it's good to bring it up and let them ask questions- as they did.

I'm sure with time they will have more questions for you, so make sure you sit down with them again in a few weeks and talk about it again. Make sure that they understand that they can talk to you about any concerns they have, even if they think you'll think they're silly or make you angry. This is something that affects them too, and it's best to let them have a small say in things- while in the end, you being the adult will have the last word.

I also think that you should discuss parenting with P, and how you will act as a team when you are truly together, and then bring a plan to the table with the kids. Make sure that they know that while P isn't their mom, they still have to respect her as a person and as an adult. That she will have authority in the home because she is an adult, not just because she's dating you. My son listens to my bf because I have made it clear that he will respect the word of an adult, the same as if a friend or relative were visiting.

I really hope that you do stay and share with us how your love story unfolds.

Alison

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 11:01pm

Boy and I thought women tended to jumped the gun quickly. I have to admit I am pretty disappointed in you as a person by you jumping off from this board just because you suddenly have a LDR going on. I mean I don't care, because we all jump on several different boards. WE usually all have more than one board, but since you no longer feel SINGLE (when did you get married? or did I miss something?) I guess it's your perrogative. I don't get it, that's all. You just had the hots for one woman two/three weeks ago sending her flowers at her office and now suddenly boom your into another who is still married and living far away buying her roses and gold bracelets on a first date weekend or whatever it was. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch. IMO I think your so desperate for a relationship that you don't care about anything else but. Understandable, it's tough being alone. We've all been their and done that. Glad your so thrilled, but I have to say that what West and First said were totally true regarding the kids.

I know that I have tended to be head over heels quickly, but not that quick. Hope it goes as well as you expect.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 1:13am

Well, I guess you officially had your "talk" with us here since we have been introduced to "Patti", instead of "P"! Congratulations and I truly do hope, for your sake and your children's sakes, that this works out as you envision it will. I thought that Patti was divorced so I was a bit stunned when Cat mentioned that she actually is married with children. I am not going to mommy you on this one, but you did open yourself to opinions so I feel compelled to remind you to keep a level head. Rolling around in the sack with someone else's wife and then laying it on your kids the next day is heavy, heavy stuff. Just know what you are doing; know what you are dealing with and know that what kids need- especially after a 2 1/2 year divorce- is stability, stability, stability. Good luck to you.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 3:24pm

Alison,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Patti and I have plenty to discuss and plenty of time to do it.

We've both realized that we are totally committed to each other. Hence my willingness to confide in my children the information that they need to know.

As for the rest of the responses, they are appreciated. I don't expect most people to understand this...it's good enough for me that those close to me who know me well do and support me.

Thanks again,

Brian

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:23am

Well, I wish you the best. My first thought, when I read this post, was NO WAY, don't tell the kids yet! Enjoy the relationship and give it time to grow.


After reading the rest, you apparently feel that the "norm" with regards to relationships does not apply to you. You are "there" and no one (especially your children) will feel hurt or let down from a rushed relationship.


So, I hope you do well. I hope your kids fare well. And I hope that the LDR board meets your needs.

Becky

Becky