Tips

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tips
10
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:07pm

I'm recently a new mom and I am a single mom. My son, sadly, is the product of a sexual assault. I love my son dearly, I couldn't love him more but I'm worried about what to tell him when he gets older and asks about his father. I'm not wanting anything to do with the father, ever; and when I go for child support I honestly don't want the father to have anymore than visitation rights. But thats just me.

I suppose my question and worry is; how to tell him that he was basically a product of a sexual assault/rape? I really don't want to hurt him and I think that might effect him in a bad way.

Has anyone ever had to deal with something like this before?

I know I'm probably not making alot of sense but I just am nervous about this and I really wonder how to deal with it. Any advice would be great. Please!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: marinelvr13
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:59pm

Sweetie, you do sound like the most wonderful mom. I welcome you to our board with open arms - please don't be a stranger - stay and participate!!

I have no sound experience or education for what you are asking. And I cannot imagine the pain you must have lived through so far. I do know that iVillage has a board for just about every topic for women - perhaps there are some for victims of rape?

I admire you for keeping your son and being such a good mom!!

I do have a friend whose mom got pregant when she was 17 - she was the homecoming queen of her HS. Her parents threw her out of the house and she had to marry the man who got her pregnant. They suffered financially and his dad had a drinking problem. He is emotionally scarred because he thought his mom didn't love him as much. He had a younger brother come along 9 years later and felt like they always loved his brother more.

Anyway, my point is that you cannot take this lightly. I think you must do what you can to become stable with your life and your child - because that will help you do a better job at raising him. I am praying you are okay with money and that you have family to support you.

I think you will have to be honest with him but emphasize how he is the best thing that ever happened to you and how you love him so much. Hopefully one day you will be married to someone very special who will play a father role with him.

I also think you should do whatever you can to come to grips with what happened to you. I think that in time you will heal your emotional scar to be able to live with it. And that will also help you explain things to him. Because if you explain it in a manner that you are okay with it - he will be okay with it.

Good luck to you. I hope all the others will provide any experience they have and some kind words.

I am not sure about the issue of getting child support and visitation - but this is something you have to decide for what is right for you and the baby. Just be careful, okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: marinelvr13
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 10:09pm

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about your son's conception. I haven't been in your situation at all, so I don't know if my advice is going to help you at all, but here it is.

My daughter and son do not see my ex-husband AT ALL. She's 5, and he left when she was a few months old, so basically she has absolutely no idea of what a father is, except for movies and her friends' dads. My son was 2 1/2, so he has vague memories that fade a little more each year. When she started asking about her dad, I never lied. But I only gave her as much truth as she could handle for her age.

For instance, when she was really little (2-3) I would simply tell her his name and that he lived far away. Now she gets that we were married and now we aren't. She hasn't gotten to the point where she wonders why he doesn't want her- I'm hoping she never will. I'm also hoping that I can be a good enough mother that she never wonders whether she's loved- she is, and simply knows it.

I think honesty is the best policy, but your situation is very sticky. I would simply start by telling your son that his father lives away from you. He won't be the only child with a single parent at school, trust me! He might just be the happiest, though. Sometimes kids in "intact" families (a term I hate, by the way) are more miserable because they see their parents fighting, wonder if a divorce will happen, yadda yadda yadda... not that all do, some have perfectly lovely families... but I think my kids (and all of ours, really) don't have to stress about that. Whoever raises them, however the custody/visitation agreement or lack thereof works out for each family, children these days simply accept it. I also think since he's starting with this as his life, your son will simply not know any differently for a while.

So, welcome to our board, please stick around. I hope others chime in, too, since obviously everyone has a point of view. We're always here if you want to vent, talk, or share something. We welcome your advice, and are happy to offer ours.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: marinelvr13
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:18pm
BUMP - I am bumping this one up to the top so everyone can lend support. Moody gives great advice on what to do about school. C'mon girls, I know you have good tips for this new mom.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: marinelvr13
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 1:35pm

You are totally making sense. I have not had to go through the same thing as you have, but I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I will address my son's questions as he gets older.

Fortunately, time is on your side. From your post it sounds like your son is an infant. I don't think its wrong for you to be thinking about what you will tell your son, but you do have time. Time that you can use to heal yourself. Right now, holding and loving your son is exactly what he needs. You will be ready to talk to him about what happened when he needs you to.

In my situation, I discovered that my ex was cheating on me (emotionally and physically) with a former student of his while I was pregnant with our son who will soon be turning 3. Our DD (8) comes up with some tough questions on a regular basis, but I've had time to think about my son's because he's not old enough to ask them yet. Specific questions about their father's infidelity are likely to eventually come up once my kids thoroughly understand the "birds and the bees" because they have a half brother who is turning two - OW was pregnant long before I convinced my ex to move out of our home. I share parenting with my children's father so my challenge has been to do whatever I can to support their relationship with him despite how much he hurt me.

If you don't feel comfortable answering the following questions - just ignore them.

Did you file criminal charges?
Have you seen an attorney regarding child support/visitation?
Does your son's father know about your son? - If he knows, does he want visitation?

M2M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: marinelvr13
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 2:17pm

Okay, a little more info, I'm in the military, no I didn't file a criminal report, the guy that did it I dated for over a year and I'm still wrestling with filing charges. I don't have an attorney yet, I'm wondering if I should go to one, and the father of my child is married. I believe his father knows about him, I know his paternal grandmother knows about him but doesn't know that he's her grandson.... the father isn't exactly an honest man. But he hasn't contacted me for visitation rights or anything. I personally don't want him to have anything to do with his child, and if he wants visitation rights he has to come to where I am (now that he lives in the North West part of the states), I'm not allowing my child to go anywhere with him because he has quite a temper. To me it sounds like a really sucky situation all the way around. And you're right my son is only six weeks old today.

I'm wondering if I should seek a therapist for me dealing with my situation. I don't know. But I'm really guarded now and I don't really let alot of people in. I want to tell the guy I'm invovled with now how my son was concieved but I'm afraid of his reaction because we both thought he was the product of another boyfriend I had (who also turned out to be married), but he's obviously not. But I don't know how to tell him that. I'm afraid because of his conception that my guy now won't want anything to do with me. Is this a valid fear? Or amy I just being paranoid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: marinelvr13
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 5:32pm

If I was you I would NOT tell the dad or anyone if you are afraid of the dad's temper - I would keep it quiet for the safety of my son. I would forego the money for my sanity and my son's safety. Because if you do go to court, you might not be allowed to keep the dad from visitation. Just my honest thought. I am usually all for letting the dad be a part of the kid's life but this sounds different to me.

I would seek a therapist so you can heal yourself.

I think I would not tell anyone about this for fear of the safety of my son. I would take that secret to my grave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: marinelvr13
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 7:00pm

marinelvr13,

I have had more thoughts since my last post.

You are a new mom and have been through a lot from what you say here. I think you should give yourself some time to settle in and enjoy the baby before you start worrying what another man might say. Because I want you to believe that no one in this world is more important than you and your baby, okay?

Being a new mom is so full of joy, yet it is a time of huge emotion and a lot of work and little sleep. Take good care of you and the baby. And everything else will fall into place. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. The baby is only little once, but the days for dating beyond that are really countless.

We are all here for you no matter what you decide? Okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: marinelvr13
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:49pm

Thank you for all your help. I have an appointment to go to counseling (sp?) Friday. And I'm going to go ahead with the child support, but also have a restraining order put in with it. I appreciate all the help. I would still like more tips from anyone who's childs father isn't in their life, or they know anything useful about being a single mom and surviving it.

Plus anyone have any tips for when I start dating again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: marinelvr13
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:41pm

You're off to a good start. My ex has not had any contact with my children since before they were old enough to remember (my daughter was about 4 months old, my son was about 3). Love your child. Do whatever's right for him.
As far as dating- if I had any clue how to get it right, I probably still wouldn't be single! Just trust your instincts, take things slowly, and love yourself first.
We'd love to have you around, commenting on our posts and keeping us updated with your life. Sometimes I will read someone else's story and get inspired by something, or try something I wouldn't normally have.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: marinelvr13
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:59pm

I hope the therapist can give you some comfort. I saw a therapist when I was going through custody issues with my exh. The therapist I chose had a lot of experience with custody issues and single parent homes. I didn't need ongoing therapy. I think I saw her once or twice a month for something like 6 months. I still remember a lot of what she told me.

Good luck with the therapy and the legal proceedings.