Tired of wearing the Scarlet Letter.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tired of wearing the Scarlet Letter.....
23
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 12:19pm

I am getting so tired of OLD. These people are just groess and I don't find anyone that I feel compatible too. NOT to mention the last guys I dated were just not what I really needed. I could get a date in seconds. I get about half a dozen hits from Match.com now and I've been on POF for about 3 days and I have over a hundred emails. OBVIOUSLY, it's not a problem. HOWEVER, they are NASTY AND I really need to ask a question that is starting to REALLY grate on me now.
But dating in general is getting very frustrating. It always has since the divorce of my X husband. And here is why for those that don't know:

I have two children from two different fathers. My question that I need advise on is:
Do I have to tell anyone that when I am dating them? I don't want anyone to know, because EVERYONE treats me like a piece of scum without even knowing the full background or story. AND then THEY look at me as if I am LYING! As if I got pregnant on purpose both times. No, one was not planned, but that was the doctors fault not mine. He gave me a different prescription pill. I can only take a certain kind. I can't even take the patch. And the second one WAS planned, so we both decided to stop contraception but my X changed his mind once I got pregnant and told me to either get an abortion or get a divorce.

Do I have to mention it to anyone and if I do, when do I HAVE to do it? It just makes me feel like I am lieing when they ask if the children are in Europe with their Dad, etc. But, I can't stand the amount of eject buttons I get the second I mention it. I know those wouldn't be the right people for me, but I am not much better. When a guy tells me the same thing, I am quite judgemental. Is it any different from a guy verses a girl to have more children from different partners? So what do I do?

I know I am tired of dating anyway, so I don't care at this point. I miss Jesus Sandals all the time, talk to him daily and he knows me for me, but I know in the beginning before he got to KNOW me, he was just as judgemental. I don't want to be looked like as a floozy and I want to quit feeling like I have to forever pay for having my beautiful children by wearing this darn scarlet letter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:05pm

I really don't think that you owe anyone an explanation or that you even need to mention it unless you become close to them.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:10pm
I know I know that too, but I often just get these innuendos or comments that make me WANT to explain myself. And then I always sound like I'm apologizing. It's just awful. 13 years and I still don't have the knack for making it sound ok and not embarrassing. I just hate that. I want to keep out of conversation all together, because that doesn't MAKE me. I just don't know how, when people ask me about the long age gap of 7 years, etc. Or why I divorced. No matter what, it always leads to trying to explain why I had a child and then got married in Europe if I had one in San Fran already. No matter what, it's always a mess. I HATE IT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:19pm

There are things in everyone's past that they feel a little uneasy about and don't want to share with someone they don't know very well. I have been D twice as well. I don't really share that upfront. Only that I am D right now, small children at home. I don't feel the need to share my life story with a perfect stranger. As I got to know them better I might feel comfortable sharing more but this may fall under the TMI category.

When they ask if your children are visiting dad in Europe. Just say yes. It isn't a lie and there is no reason to elaborate. Not all children are planned but that doesn't mean it is a problem. I don't share personal information with most of my friends. I am very private. Things they know about it varies based on how long they have known me. If they've known me a long time they know a lot because they were around for lots of it. I don't feel the need to share. I never share personal information with co workers.

Date or not. If it is time for a break, take one. People always have preconceived notions about what is right and wrong. I don't recommend lying but no need to lay everything out there for someone you barely know. Perceptions change when you have more information. Let them get to know CAT before they get too many details.

JMHO
Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 2:08pm

I can relate... and if it makes you feel better, someone always has a more.... how shall we say... complicated story to tell.... Take me for example... I have 5 children from THREE different fathers, and I am divorced twice. LOL. My two oldest children live with my first husband full-time and i have visitation on weekends. (so that's always hard to explain having 5 children but only 3 live with me fulltime). My two youngest rarely ever see their dad because he's an addict. And he has a 5-yr no contact order with me. LOL.... Am I making you feel better...LOL....

My policy is that I don't lie... I just don't reveal more information than I am comfortable revealing and if I am judged... it is not my problem.... Judge not lest you be judge..... this is sooo true... if someone judges me, I know the truth is they are judging themselves. I know i'm not a floozy. I know I have immeasurable value (even if I do find some hotties irresistable...lol...).

Hold your head up high, Precious. You are a mighty woman of God!

Much Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 2:23pm

I agree with Loony's method - don't lie, but don't volunteer more information than you have to.

They shouldn't be asking you any questions that require you make "explanations" anyway.

The ONLY things you should volunteer upfront (in my opinion)

Your age
Your marital status
If you have children

How many, what ages, who their fathers are, etc. - are none of their business. As you get to know someone more, you'll share more information.

And the more they know you, the more they'll love you - and it won't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 4:02pm

Hey Cat - sorry to hear you feel in such a funk with the dating thing. I certainly have been there more times than I can tell. But I also have a lot of friends without kids who are just as frustrated and cannot find a match or someone to date - and they are young and old as well. I don't think it is so much your scarlet letter as it is a matching thing. Attractive, age, location, kids, wants kids or doesn't want kids, special interests - all of those matter. Finding a match or not finding a match does not define you.

You have 2 kids - that is not good or bad. Just special. I don't think it matters so much that your kids have 2 different dads. I think you just need to wait for the match that doesn't mind someone who has kids and can be centered around you and your kids. M was good in that he didn't mind kids, but he was not a match because he was only into his kids and his whole situation with the exw.

I think it is harder in your age group. But it will get easier over time. If I was you I would disclose that I am full time mom because the dad lives abroad - and that does describe both the dads. It lets someone know you are 24/7. But I don't think you have to go into a whole lot of details. I think it is worse in your head and you might overcompensate in your explanation? I mean all of that is behind you and you are now over here, working and doing well on your own.

If you feel you need to take a break and focus on you there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe now is the time to work on a positive spin for your profile - meaning the fun, the good and what you have to offer? You are independent, a fun mom who knows how to cut corners and appreciate what is good without spending a lot, you are going to school, stuff like that. Who would you be great for? I mean I think it is good to state what you do and don't want, but the profile does have to be a marketing spin of some sort, too. Identify the market. Is it someone who likes to stay at home? Someone who enjoys parks and being outdoors? Someone who likes nightlife? I would tend to put more of an emphasis on interests rather than relationships if I was you. You can screen out the relationship part while you talk to them.

Perhaps someone who has their own interests and is looking to date casually to start and build slowly is good. Because someone with their own interests will be happy that you have your own life and don't need to be entertained 24/7.

Just a thought. Sorry to hear you are frustrated. But you have had some good attention and 2 people who were really interested - they just were not a match.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 4:12pm

Thanks Judy,
I think I'm happier just going to these meetup things. They are much more entertaining and allows me to be with other people and meet other people without the pressure of a date. I can make girl or guy friends and no one gets caught up in those type of conversations. It's just a lot more mellow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 4:26pm

That is a good point - and meeting people and getting to know them in person is a great social outlet. You will develop good friends, new interests and take a break from the meat grinder of OLD. Keep us posted - I am sure you will give us all new ideas for fun stuff to do. When is your next outing? Did you join more than one group?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 4:34pm
I did join more then one group, but only went to the one so far. I went out last Friday and Wednesday and then I was supposed to go tonight, but I am heading for the beach instead ( I think). I'm so tired that I don't know if I want to drive so far tonight or not, but I don't think I really want to go out either, so we'll see. I just enjoy meeting other people and no more of the dating stuff. I think it's a good idea to just hang my OLD hat up. Doesn't mean I have to hang up the others. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:17pm

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated too. ITA with everyone that you have nothing to explain. Info on family needs to be "earned" IMO. I know what you mean about wanting to be honest when someone asks you something, but I think they're reasons for asking aren't valid other then gathering information that's non of their biz this early on.

Just out of curiosity...what's a POF?

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