Tired of wearing the Scarlet Letter.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tired of wearing the Scarlet Letter.....
23
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 12:19pm

I am getting so tired of OLD. These people are just groess and I don't find anyone that I feel compatible too. NOT to mention the last guys I dated were just not what I really needed. I could get a date in seconds. I get about half a dozen hits from Match.com now and I've been on POF for about 3 days and I have over a hundred emails. OBVIOUSLY, it's not a problem. HOWEVER, they are NASTY AND I really need to ask a question that is starting to REALLY grate on me now.
But dating in general is getting very frustrating. It always has since the divorce of my X husband. And here is why for those that don't know:

I have two children from two different fathers. My question that I need advise on is:
Do I have to tell anyone that when I am dating them? I don't want anyone to know, because EVERYONE treats me like a piece of scum without even knowing the full background or story. AND then THEY look at me as if I am LYING! As if I got pregnant on purpose both times. No, one was not planned, but that was the doctors fault not mine. He gave me a different prescription pill. I can only take a certain kind. I can't even take the patch. And the second one WAS planned, so we both decided to stop contraception but my X changed his mind once I got pregnant and told me to either get an abortion or get a divorce.

Do I have to mention it to anyone and if I do, when do I HAVE to do it? It just makes me feel like I am lieing when they ask if the children are in Europe with their Dad, etc. But, I can't stand the amount of eject buttons I get the second I mention it. I know those wouldn't be the right people for me, but I am not much better. When a guy tells me the same thing, I am quite judgemental. Is it any different from a guy verses a girl to have more children from different partners? So what do I do?

I know I am tired of dating anyway, so I don't care at this point. I miss Jesus Sandals all the time, talk to him daily and he knows me for me, but I know in the beginning before he got to KNOW me, he was just as judgemental. I don't want to be looked like as a floozy and I want to quit feeling like I have to forever pay for having my beautiful children by wearing this darn scarlet letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:19pm

I can so relate to you! I've been married twice and have 3 kids by 3 different fathers!
Talk about being judged, as a matter of fact I wrote about it here a couple of years ago.
I not only have been judged by that, but also have been ridiculed because I never learned to ride a bike or drive a car. God forbid, I now tell anyone that I'm unemployed! New letter to wear. You know what, I'm sick to death of it, I hate to say it but I've adopted a f--k it attutide! Anyone that wants to judge me is not worthy of my time, it's that simple!

Finding someone who is compatible is tough! You prove that quantity does not necessasarily=quality. You get tons of guys that are interested, so that's not the problem. It's a great ego boost, but it's not yielding the desired results, a big problem with OLD in general. Hell my POF inbox was going on a month empty, then tonight a really attractive guy with a great profile emails me, ughh!!! He's from fricking North Carolina, damn!
I think we both could use a break from OLD.

I think the meetup groups should be your thing for now, take a man break, get your bearings, try again in the future.

You're an awesome lady with a lot to offer, don't let anyone upset your life balance.
You don't have to reveal anything, nobody's business but your own!

The T Girl
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:48am

I'm glad you are able to put yourself in the other person's shoes and see how your situation comes across to someone who is stepping into this blind.

I have dated a woman and remained friends with a woman who has had 4 children from 3 fathers and one of whom molested two of them. I did not know that when I first met her but after getting to know her it does not bother me. IF I knew that up front I'd admit that it would be bothering me as I got to know her.

My last 1.5 yr relationship was with this Buddhist woman who had two children from two different fathers. The eldest was a daughter who was molested by her father. Did she tell me when I first met? No. After so many years and relationships of dating, I learned not to care so much about my date's background but more how she is NOW.

And yes it would have bothered me tremendously with both women if I knew of their past when I first met them.

Word of advice if anyone asks you about your children and your background... you can say that you are not comfortable about sharing that until you and he get to know each other more.

Best,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 8:34am

I am just playing catch up now, so sorry I didn't read this before.

I also have two children with two different fathers. I also had one of them at 17, and then got married, had a child and got divorced before the smoke cleared from the candles on my 20th birthday cake. Talk about a scarlet letter!

When I was meeting people, I didn't always tell them about my children. What I mean is, I told them I had two, and was divorced, and sometimes left it at that for a while. If it turned out it was a person I wanted to get to know, they got the full story.

Usually, instead of branding me, the men who knew ended up putting me on a pedestal, which is also not a good way to go. I'm not a superhero but neither am I a pariah. I'm a normal perosn raising her children as best she can.

As far as the men- I try very hard not to judge. After we had our son, my son's father went on to have more children. He now has 5 children with three different women. To me, if I met him today, that'd be unacceptable. But the real reason for this is that I know how little time he spends with my son, and I know he spend NO time with three of his children. It's his parenting more than the amount of children that bothers me.

This is probably why I know I don't want anymore children, and probably why I tend to gravitate toward men who have none.

So, after all of that rambling, I'd say that you shoudld disclose as much or as little information as you want. I never dodged questions if asked, and I never lie, but I certainly don't believe every person who meets me needs my full life story. There are people I've worked closely with for three years who don't know the whole story, and don't need to.

Good luck, and don't fret about what people think

Moody, who is fairly normal


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 12:25pm
You don't need to go into details about your children's biological fathers. Just say you have two beautful children. It's the truth and you don't need to discuss anymore than that. I have two children and have never had anyone ask if they have the same father (which they do, but even if they didn't, what's the big deal anyway?).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 1:42am

But, I can't stand the amount of eject buttons I get the second I mention it. I know those wouldn't be the right people for me, but I am not much better. When a guy tells me the same thing, I am quite judgemental.


This is an interesting thread!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:53am

>>Am I judging whether the person meets my Wish List or not, or am I exercising a preference? Why is being judgmental wrong, and exercising a preference okay<<

This could probably be it's own thread ... But I think there is a HUGE difference.... I had a pastor describe it this way... yes, we are aloud to make judgements on a person "track record". This is exercising wisdom.... What is off limits is making a judgement about one's HEART. I can make a judgement that if a person has lied to me repeatedly that that person cannot be trusted. I can then exercise a boundary of not trusting that person with sensitive information. What I cannot judge is his heart... so I can't make the statement that because he lied, he's therefore a bad person.

All the books I've read about successful dating says throw out the frivilous part of the List. Get away from a "type"... Because those things limit your search... But keep the "deal breaker" part of the list. Like for example, good credit, no history of abuse, no drug addiction, etc. (whatever else might be on that list). The idea is that for me, at my age, my old way of dating was not successful so maybe my "type" hasn't been working for me. Perhaps I should experiment other "types"... give someone a chance and not make rash pre-judgements.

Having lots of children doesn't make me "stupid" or "bad" or a "floozy".. that's judging my heart. But it is true that having lots of children means I'm busy or have a full schedule...that's a fact.

AND the pastor pointed out that this goes BOTH ways.. just because someone is Handsome or shows up to church every sunday... doesn't mean I judge his heart and assume he's a good, moral person... Nope, can't do that either... The truth is he's handsome, but I shouldn't judge his heart based on his looks... good or bad.

Hope I've made myself clear... it is a fine line between the two.. but I think in your heart, you know when you've judged a person's heart or made a sound judgement about the facts.

The benefit is that the less you judge others, the less you FEEL judged by others in return. They might still do it.. It's all around, but it won't penetrate your heart.

I look forward to what others have to say...

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:37pm
LOONYBUNNY - this is one of the best posts I have seen on here. Very good stuff - thanks for sharing with us!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:16pm

Loony -

Wow, that was a great post - so insightful and helpful. I know that I sometimes judge too quickly - too often because of what I bring to the table in terms of past experinces not what they do in terms of bad choices. I try to give everyone a clean slate - sometimes easier said than done.

And Cat - you rock. Do whatever you need right now for yourself. People who judge you too quickly without getting to know you are missing out on a terrific person in their lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 3:36pm
I don't think you should lie to the guys b/c as you stated your children are very precious and a a natural part of you. I think a guy could respect a divorced woman with kids more readily perhaps then just a woman with kids. However, there is the whole, "I'm not raising another man's child" attitude that comes up. Then when they find out its 2 men, I can kinda see why some peole freak. I would approach the situation with limited openness. I don't think every first date needs to know all the specifics. I would only disclose the divorced with 2 kids fact upfront, before the first date. If he's willing to go out and get to know you after that take it slow. It would be quite a while into dating that I would give more specific information, when the person isn't as judgmental and has gotten a chance to get to know and appreciate you for being more than just a mother of 2 kids by 2 different men. WOuld it matter if you were married and divorced 2x? I think the more you tell, especially right out the gate, the more susceptible you are to criticism. Afterall, if you spill the beans that quickly it could give the wring impression of you. Have you tried online match-making? Not the free crap that any loser posts to but maybe some more sophisticated sites like eHarmony?
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:11pm

Thank you very much for your post. I enjoyed it and welcome to our board.

Yes, I've tried them ALL! I am just horribly picky by nature; which means I'm a horrible picker. LOL.

I give up on those match things. I really think OLD is too difficult for poeple like me, who is much more intune when hands on meeting someone right away. And not from someone feeding me a line over email or phone. I can watch that person in action right away all night. I like that. Does he hit on every girl? Is he alone or with friends? How does he interact? Etc. etc.